A Semi-Automatic Smile

Change of pace...

2008-07-14T12:23:00.002-04:00

Headed over to word press so I can creep the lives of people who creep my life...

check it out at memoryhideshere.wordpress.com

We'll see if a change of scenery leads to more updates.

Forces me out of bed...

2008-02-14T01:10:00.002-05:00

My mind won't turn off tonight.

February 15th. Tomorrow. Birthday. Miss him. Miss her. April 8th. Horrible weekend. Break up was inevitable. Didn't need you. Just someone that day. Missed her. Who else? That's right. Forgot she was gone. I literally felt gravity upon remembering. Sunrise, sunset. Sunrise, sunset. Last time I felt this way was the day before. September 3rd. It was louder outside then. Frustrated tears then. For the first time in five months. It's been over six since. None since. Nunsense. Need to pick a musical. Need to make a show. Need to make a dance. Need to write a lab. Need to plan a party. Need to make people happy. Need to see him and him. Need to see her and her. Six months. Four years. For years, days stick. September 3rd. April 8th. February 15.

I will see faces in my dreams tonight and in the morning I will be torn about whether to leave them or stay.

'Turn around now - switch...'

2007-12-28T00:34:00.000-05:00

Reading the back and forth over the 15 things entries and those violently opposed inspired me to try something different this year. So here is a list of 15 things that, given the chance along with the guarentee of no Butterfly Effect, I would have done differently owing to 20/20 hindsight:

1) I would not have written the first 15 things entry. Apparently it has resulted in major strife. Sorry.
2)I would not have bothered with a resolution. I should have known better. I think I did know better. I set myself up to fail.
3) I would have let go sooner.
4) I would have opened my eyes wider.
5) I would have put things in persepective sooner.
6) I would have taken people off of pedestals. Or, better yet, not put them there to begin with.
7) I would not have taken four sciences in one semester.
8) I would not have stressed out so much over physics.
9) I would have gone into the city more in the spring time.
10) I would have spent more time with my townhouse in the first semester.
11) I would have made it a point to find my Aunt Ellie after 'Smile' and given her a hug.
12) I would be less inclined to wear my heart on my sleeve.
13) I would have done a little something extra for my part in Urinetown. There was still something left to give, even if I'm not quite sure what that was.
14) I would have gone the extra mile.
15) I would have said exactly what I was thinking the one time I didn't and should have.

However - no regrets. The events and missteps of yesterday make me who I am today. And that person isn't so bad. A year ago I was afraid of 2007. Parts of it sucked. A lot. But a lot of that was my own fault - lesson learned. But the vast majority of it was pretty awesome. And we're on another upswing here. 2008 has the potential to be highly interesting...in a good way.

Don't let me down, '08.

'And I can't go home - cuz you're my home...'

2007-12-22T21:13:00.000-05:00

mmm SoCo - you allow me to survive traffic jams in states that should be too small to have major highways in them.

So the Maryland trip has sadly come to a close. It was a whirlwind four days, that's for sure, but I hand a fantastic time. To recap:

~I met the mom. Patrick says it went well. I think it could have. I just get nervous. We talked a lot about admissions-type things. She was very interested in school stats. I happen to know school stats. Patrick was dying for a change of topic. I definitely don't think she hates me. This is good.
~I like the brother. Chip is fun and funny. I feel like had he gone to La Salle we would have become friends anyway. He asked my opinion on the Christmas gift he got for his lady friend. I take this as a good sign.
~I got to see Annapolis. It was so quaint. I wish New Jersey's state capital was as cute. And the Governor's Mansion is located right in the middle of the town. I think our governor would get shot if he tried that. Good fudge place in the middle of town reminded me of the shore - and made me miss the shore. Shiver and drank tea after I'm pretty shore we trespassed on to a dock. It was worth it.
~I pumped my own gas for the first time ever. It sucked. God bless the catering to laziness in New Jersey.
~Tolls suck. Delaware sucks more. Seriously - people cross into that state and suddenly become incapable of driving.
~Cracked out food shopping with Mehow and Mel after many hours of driving is the greatest experience ever.
~The Cerkez's are awesome for letting nine of us crash in their house. And for cooking kickass food. And for having a really comfortable bed for me and my wife to sleep in.
~National Treasure is a pretty decent movie. I want to see the second one now.
~Videoes of Kyle singing and dancing to OKGo after driving through the same toll three times are hysterical.
~Washington DC is the stupidest city ever when it comes to street names. Whose brilliant idea was it to have multiple 7th streets and D streets in the same city. The capital should have stayed in Philly - we've got our shit together when it comes to a map.
~The spy museum was pretty kickass. We scored a four out of five on our mission. Then Emily ruined lives. It was excellent.
~Amanda was a pretty good spy. I was not.
~The museum really makes you think about stuff. Maybe there is a lot of stuff going on that we don't know. I'm trying to go back to being blissfully ignorant.
~Seriously - the Cerkez's know how to cook.
~My friends and I are old ladies and gentlemen who take naps at 7 PM.
~Game Show Network really is amazing when you watch it with friends.
and finally
~Jamie Lynn Spears is pregnant and I find it hysterical. This makes me a horrible person and I might be okay with that.

That's about it. I miss my friends again already - can't we just stay at school over break and do like day trips? Yeah, I like that...

Let's do the time warp again...

2007-12-18T21:29:00.000-05:00

A month and a half. That's all the time that has passed since my last post. When I think of that it makes me feel ridiculous for everything that i've done in that time. It makes me feel like I'm moving too fast. But only when I think of that.

The fall semester is over. It is unbelievable how much I managed to fit into it. I think what I'm most excited about are the friendships I've strengthened over the past couple months. I didn't see them coming at all but I couldn't be more thankful for them. With some others cooling off, I don't know what I would have done had they not come along. Thank you...you know who you each are.

Cryptic-ness is to be saved, though, for December 31st and my second annual 15 Things list. I'm feeling more straightforward tonight than I have in a good long while.

London gives me back my best friend tonight. I'm thrilled. We probably would have gone the semester without seeing each other even if she had been in the country, but it's amazing how the physical distance seemed so...physical. We have so much to catch up on. But that will have to wait until I return from Maryland. The trip has the potential to be fantastic. Patrick is taking me into Annapolis, as I've never been. The trade-off is I have to meet the family. I'm irrationally nervous. After a day there it's off to the boondocks and Liz's house where we'll spend a night before going to the spy museum in DC for Amanda's going away celebration. I'm way excited. Don't judge me.

Something weighs heavy on my heart, though. I feel like a secret is being kept by some of the people close to me. I see it in their eyes. It's making me nervous and I'm inclined to pray more. I hope I'm being dramatic.

So much for not being cryptic...but that one isn't my fault.

'So kiss me hard - cuz this will be the last time that I let you...'

2007-11-02T16:28:00.000-04:00

It's a sad song kind of day.

I have a special playlist for just such an occassion. I also have a sweet song playlist. I never listen to that one.

'You ask me "How?" - it's like "How does your heart beat?" or "Why do you breathe?"'

I'm not stressed. I haven't been particularly stressed all year. No anxious heart beats since late August. I'm unsettled though. I need a constant.

'I am no prince, I am no saint, and if that's what you believe you need you're wrong; you don't need much - you need someone to fall back on.'

It's funny how you can say things to other people that you would never be able to realize on your own. 'Sometimes "great" just isn't enough. Wouldn't it be great if that's all there was to it? There are plenty of awesome guys that I would never consider dating. And plenty of assholes I would. Him being a great guy doesn't mean anything if to you there's still something missing.' I've tried everything. Everything isn't always enough either.

'And it's no one's fault; there's no black and white - only you and me on this endless night. And as the hours run away with another life, oh darling, can't you see it's now or never.'

I'm getting impatient. On multiple planes.

'Oh say you'll miss me one last time - I'll be strong. But whatever you do, please don't get me rescued...because I'm feeling like I might need to be near you.'

I never had the whole 'I'm so alone in the world thing' down. I was more disappointed in that though - being one of the masses. A million people listen to these songs everyday and each relates to them. I don't feel alone. I just feel bad for people.

'Cuz we have spoken everything, everything short of 'I love you' - right where you are from right where I am - somewhere between unsure and a hundred.'

I'm getting impatient.

I'm a loser, baby, so why don't you kill me...

2007-10-26T22:51:00.000-04:00

Why today, you ask? I'm writing this wearing one of my costumes from Urinetown that came in the mail today. I was a little excited to get them and they actually fit, so I'm kind of excited. Plus in the one dress all the jokes about my chest might actually read. Sweet.

Speaking of Urinetown, this entry may just have a theme for once. Assorted musings concerning the musical.

A) We aren't ready. And we are not collectively good enough to be messing around as much as we do. At least I know I'm not good enough to not need every second of rehearsal time they can give me. I'm turning into the actor-bitch I was during Footloose. I just want things to be as good as they can be. And that means staying focused. I shouldn't be saying this to a journal, I should be saying it in a constructive way to my fellow castmates instead of snapping. Soon.

B) Sometimes I secretly have more fun at tech than rehearsal. I'm not quite sure why. Maybe it's the constant productivity that is evident aside from the goofing around. The visible progress that I don't see with the show itself. Whatever the reason, "Girls Building Shit" (and it's many sequels)are rapidly becoming the parts of my week about which I get most excited. (Sad that I took the time to figure out how to not end that sentence with a preposition.)

C) I need to learn to say "no." I can't walk away. Ever. I'm going to get myself rundown and screw things up but here I was again today instead of taking the afternoon to sleep I set up for the haunted house for six hours. It's just too much, logically - but I don't want to miss a thing. I'm like a three year old that won't go to bed for fear of being left out. Grow up.

In other news, I flirted with someone brand new the other day. Not even a La Salle person. And he flirted back. It was blissful. No, there was no information exchange, but it was like there didn't need to be. I just needed to know that when I can find some time, I will be able to get back in the game. Or whatever.

I thought about writing in this for a long time but now I have no idea where else to go. I've used up all my words for today. When I find more, I'll find you.

Seasons of Love

2007-09-08T18:24:00.000-04:00

Yes, Val, Jesus does speak through iTunes.

This morning, I heard Frank Sinatra's 'My Way,' Simon and Garfunkle 'Bridge Over Troubled Water', Gary Jules' 'Mad World,' Yellow Card's 'Believe,' 5 For Fighting's '100 Years,' Josh Groban's 'You Raise Me Up,' New World Symphony's Largo Movement, Coldplay's 'Yellow' and 'We Never Change,' Jack Johnson's 'Breakdown,' and the the piece de resistance - 'Seasons of Love' from Rent

I was on my way to my Aunt Ellie's funeral.

I find it a cruel irony that the way to the funeral home took me past the church where Mrs. Sena's memorial service was held three and a half years ago. I got there at 9:10 for a viewing that started at 9. There were already fifty people there. By the time we made it over to the church at noon, there were easily 500 people present. They filled the church,the crypt chapel, the back vestibule, and they had to set up speakers outside so people could hear the service. There were 31 priests there, as my Uncle Jim is a deacon and his brother is a priest himself. My Aunt Ellie loved an audience - she would have been thrilled.

My mom met Ellie Boylan when she was in third grade and Ellie was in fourth. They went to SCB catholic school and became fast friends. Aunt Kathy and Aunt Louise joined the group in high school. My mom, Kathy, and Louise did costumes - the Elves (to the Holy Cross kids - you know the Elf Room? Yeah, that's how it got it's name) My dad was a recent grad helping with stage crew, Uncle Shawn (who would come to marry Aunt Kathy) was on stage, with a fiery, scene-stealing little Irish girl - my Aunt Ellie. At 5 foot if she was very lucky, Aunt Ellie had a stage presence people still marvelled over long after she stepped off the stage. She had the role of Dolly in 'Hello, Dolly' her sophomore year. I never got to see her perform. But she was the one I would get nervous to have come see me in anything I ever did. IT was senseless - she would never judge - but I always heard how good she was from my parents - I never thought I could compare. I don't think I ever did.

Aunt Ellie married my Uncle Jim - a St. Joe's Prep boy (gasp!) on a ridiculously rainy evening. My mom had to help her into a trashbag so her wedding dress wouldn't get ruined. They had three boys - Will, Jimmy, and Tommy. Will became one of my best friends. This made my mom and Aunt Ellie so happy - you could see it in their faces when we would play together.

I was two, Will less than a year, and we were in Vermont - I taught will not to touch the stove - 'Hot'.

I was 5, Will was 3, we were ballroom dancing in my living room in the summer. A picture shows Aunt Ellie laughing on a chair behind us.

I was 16, Will was 14 and we were at a scholarship brunch for Holy Cross. The Woodward-Lorscheider and Boylan legacy continued.

We did our first show together that year, he and I. The more memorable show was A Christmas Carol when Will and I played Mr. and Mrs. Crachitt. Our parents would laugh at how scary it was as Will and I gathered our four children four a picture and made inappropriate comments about our rippled son/daughter - 'Not in front of the children, dear.' Will stopped doing shows to wrestle, but Aunt Ellie was always there too watch them. She was on PTA and a million other things but made it out.

I graduated. They were there. My graduation party, they were there. Will and I asked for their crazy high school and college stories, got halfway through one involving putting my dad's hair in curlers and ran screaming.

I broke up with Brian - Will was there to teach me to surf, Aunt Ellie was there to offer their shore house.

I left for school. 22 months ago I got a phone call from my mom saying Aunt Ellie had nearly died. They caught the ovarian cancer very late and Uncle Jim asked would please say a prayer. For some reason, I felt that wasn't enough hand actually went to 1:00 mass that day. She made it through, but things were rough from there on out.

She went into remission for awhile - I had never been so happy. But the cancer came back. Still, she was so strong. She made it to Will's prom. We talked at promenade about little things I remember being really happy to see her and telling her I'd have my mom call. She was at Will's graduation. She made us take a picture and it came out beautifully. She was at Relay for Life this June, but she was tired.

The last time I saw my Aunt Ellie was so fitting. She came to see Smile - a show I couldn't stand in so many ways, but loved in so many others. Will and I have never been as close as were over the course of this summer. She almost couldn't make it to the show. She started having blood clots. But nothing would keep her from the boys she loved so much. She refused a walker - 'I'm not fifty - no way in hell am I using a walker!' and opted for a wheelchair instead. I had the first line in the show and with the lights the way they were, I couldn't see more than 3 people in the audience. But she was right here. I gave my monologue to her. And she smiled at me.

My Aunt Ellis died on Monday from complications due to ovarian cancer. She was surrounded by her friends and family. She was loved. And that's the one thing she wanted more than anything. Love. Not for herself, but for others. Will gave the most beautiful eulogy I ever heard today. And he told us to love. Make it a verb again.

So i start with him. My William. I've cried so much in the last week not for me, and not for Aunt Ellie, because she's at peace now - I know it - but for my Will. I know he doesn't ask for it, but he more than anyone, along with his dad and brothers, did not deserve this. These are good people. Why do they lose their wife and mother now while people far worse then they take their own loved ones for granted everyday? It doesn't make sense to me how these things happen. Aunt Ellie would tell me not to try. But when I saw Will today my heart broke.

'My starlight,' he said. 'My sunshine,' I said back and gave him a hug. I had been waiting all week for that and told him as such. He kissed my forehead and asked how I was as tears poured down my face. I told him I was supposed to ask him that. He said, we need to ask each other. I asked how school was - he loves Scranton already. But I told him he always had a spot at La Salle. I hugged Jimmy and Tommy and asked Tommy how his first day of high school went. He said he liked it a lot. I told him Holy Cross would be good to him, like it was to all of us. I walked over to my Aunt Ellie and she didn't look like her. She wasn't smiling and laughing. But there were flowers everywhere. And family and friends. My parents knew literally 3/4 of the people there. They'd all gone to school together. Everyone knows each other from Holy Cross. I liked that today. So many people asked how I was. I was touched. They were my family.

After going to the cemetery, he reception was held, so fittingly, in Holy Cross's cafeteria. IT was the only place big enough. Saying goodbye to Will was harder this time then it ever has been before. I couldn't stop hugging him. But neither of us were crying. I finally gave him the mailer from La Salle I'm on the cover of - we went in to our typical 'Scrubs'-esque scenario making about how I came up with my quotes for it. It was as it should be. Between us there was love. Around us shared among family and friends - so many family and friends - there was love. And through it all was my Aunt Ellie, no doubt basking in the love for her and for each other.

I love you Aunt Ellie.
Sunrise: December 5, 1957 - Sunset: September 3, 2007
May angels lead you in.

Come to your senses...

2007-09-02T22:49:00.000-04:00

I feel like writing until the words I'm looking for show up. They don't have to be in order or anything either - they could be mixed in with the useless stuff and it would be a huge puzzle that only the paranoid schitzophrenic would figure out. (Thank you, John Nash, for giving me purpose - another Nobel prize to whoever makes sense of it.)

I've picked an audition song. This may or may not prove pointless. I'm trying to figure out where I'm needed most. I use 'needed' loosely. Where I could be put to more use is better. If that's off stage, that's fine. I do love tech now, too. It would be surreal not being on stage, but if that's what would help, I'd do it. People don't give straight answers, though. Help me do the right thing - it will preserve the self-worth I have in the end. You know who you are.

I was named Ethan's godmother today. He makes me happier than anything has in a long time. A screaming pink ball of flesh with gunk in his eyes is the best thing I have going for me? I'm strangely okay with that, if it means I have him. I'm really flattered that Aunt Julie and Uncle Steve considered me. It means a lot. He's going to be spoiled rotten.

I did more homework than should ever be done in the span of a weekend in the past 3 days. It's always like this at the beginning of the semester for me. Get as far ahead as possible because you need that head start to have a prayer of finishing par for the course at the end. I hope my grades dip this year. It would be reflective of my current attitude towards school and only fair. I don't like chem anymore. I liked it on a superficial level. Blowing things up and changing colors. But I don't want to explain. I have no interest in theory. Just let me go and crack some backs. Georgia is calling me.

I went to volleyball games this weekend and was a good roommate. It was fun being supportive. We took a our first house picture after the game Saturday. I'm at least 6 inches shorter than all of them. It makes Tammi feel better. That works for me.

I find myself cranky far too often this year. I'm frustrated with the style of living in the townhouses. So much drinking. For the first time I'm feeling left out and its manifesting itself in a desire to withdraw. Well hello, psych class lingo. It's no one's fault or anything, people should do as they please. It's been fine for the past two years, there's probably some deeper issue yet to surface or something and I'm just projecting. Or whatever.

I miss Chris, Amy, and Jaime. A lot. I keep looking for Chris at the table or on a smoke break outside the Union. 'm in the mood for silly time with Amy, and I am trying really hard to put together happy stories for Jaime. I know that everyone is dealing with or has dealt with this. But if that's supposed to make me feel better, it doesn't. It just makes me feel sorry for those people, too.

If you go back and read every fifth word of this entry from finish to start, it won't make any sense - but it would be cool if it did.

Read Me

2007-08-13T22:27:00.000-04:00

New links. Self-centered, so typical. Don't like yours, just say so - I'll try again.

The Eagles played like crap tonight. I will be highly disappointed if the whole season looks like that. I don't think it will though. I would not be disappointed, however, if all males looked like Jeremy Bloom, Kevin Curtis, or Stuart Bradley.

'Smile' is over. I'm only sad about it now as a result of probably the last two days. It took me that long to click with the cast. The cast part was wonderful. Team Swayze. Scorpius the Cat. My dark future. Perfect distancing. Car lines through Wendy's. SWAT teams for ziti. Escape Plan C. Pinwheels to look for meteor showers. The Wooden Feet. - inside jokes I don't mind you not getting. I will miss working with the kids again. I was growing accustomed to being the motherly (read: creepy) elder cast member. So much talent, though my wish for many of you is focus to match it. I brought home three new dresses from set strike. They are ridiculous. I will get at least one wear from each.

Things that should give me perspective don't. Further proof I am dead inside.

I'm reading Wuthering Heights and loving it. Heathcliff and I would have an awesome discussion should we find ourselves lying in a field stargazing. Cynical about my favorite and least favorite topic. When did I stop being unfazedly happy for others? I should work on faking it.

Also, stop checking. Accordingly, stop guessing. Additionally, stop caring one way or another.

But about those links, I hope they don't bother anyone. I didn't mean it.

Things I learned tonight:

2007-08-06T00:07:00.000-04:00

~Tickle Me Elmos are inappropriate.

~Bitchy J and Dobby Elijah are perfectly acceptable names for Jewish, moonwalking children.

~A circle and two lines is all you need to draw an astronaut.

~The new Mall Madness sucks, but Dreamphone will never die.

~Jenna Marie only associates with one type of person because I have another version of myself attending American University.

~I couldn't be happier about it.

I laughed until my chest hurt. Or that could be because when Jessie and I hug (over things like having the same random poses or a love for long winded scenarios to supplement life) they get squished because we are the same height.

It's good to know that when I'm not around when J goes to college, I actually still am.

'Tell me you'll never forget me because if I thought you would, I'd never leave.'

2007-08-03T20:58:00.000-04:00

If I didn't tell you where that was from you'd never guess.

Winnie the Pooh.

Seriously.

I can't cry anymore. Not in that 'I've cried my eyes out to the point where I just don't have any tears left' way, but as in I just don't cry anymore. I haven't cried all summer. If you'd had the same summer I did you'd see why this is an interesting situation. I used to be an emotional person. But I've got this little brick wall thing going on now. I'm okay with it. Selfless, cold, and composed. Thank you Ben Folds. This is officially my motto for the school year. I know it doesn't seem likely I'll follow through but I think I finally have motivation to. It's time to grow up a little. Not get so excited, so hung up, and so over-invested in the goings on of those around me. I have learned a lot in the past few weeks. I was a silly, silly girl sophomore year. Time to start keeping secrets. No lies, just no more offering up...superfluous...information. I think I know what qualifies now. It's time to start listening. Consider it a refocusing on the resolution. Which, half a year in, has admittedly not gone to plan. But it has taken an effect that I notice. Never you mind what it is. Secrets, secrets.

In other news, my new cousin Ethan is precious. I just can't get over him. I'm a baby person, but this is out of control. He's just this miniature but perfect little person. And one day he wasn't there and the next he was. Doesn't this amaze anyone else? I got two hours of unshared baby time on Thursday. It was bliss. I fed him and changed his outfit and rocked him to sleep. Everything he does is fascinating. He was crying this pitiful little wail, quivering lip and all, and it wasn't frustrating, at least not yet. It's so new - let him test things out. He has these huge eyes which are seeing everything for the very first time. He kept waking himself up as I rocked him and looking around like he was scared he would miss something. He knows nothing but unconditional love right now. I would like to keep him that way. He fell asleep with his whole hand wrapped around the top half of my little finger. He looked so peaceful. I would wager my face is not so free of expression when I sleep. I stand to learn something from him.

Hush now baby don't you cry;
Rest your wings my butterfly.
Peace will come to you in time
And I will sing this lullaby...

Maybe it's best you leave me alone...

2007-06-29T10:35:00.000-04:00

What to do, what to do.

I deal in facts. Always. I make the next logical move after careful thought and analysis. I avoid involving emotion until I deem the situation safe through careful use of logic.

I have a fact.

Rock, paper, scissors. (Cheney...Colbert, anyone?). People suggest scissors. Is this really what's best? Really? I've done it before. But it doesn't feel right this time.

It's not about what I want. What's best for me. Who knows what that is - because I sure don't. What I want is now second to what others want. Because what I want isn't an option. So I gladly take a backseat. I get tired of making decisions and first-moves. Don't I deserve to have an effort made for me? Maybe not.

People mean a lot to me. I don't believe them when they say the same to me. In my mind I have become replaceable. Unremarkable. I am content to simply be allowed to care, unreciprocated, for people. If they'll let me. But I'm thinking that people might be bothered even by that. Don't be cared for, don't care.

I'm considering a social experiment. Did you know people literally wither away if they don't have some type of physical contact - be it only a hug or a handshake? This is fascinating to me. I'm starting to think I would like to be completely self contained. I would like to beat the theory.

I had a dream last night. There was a transfer student in it I had never met. It was raining and he originally went to a school with a giant glass pyramid like the one at the Louvre. You couldn't go in it before his freshman year, though. This probably has no deeper meaning other than the fact that I should get out of the office more.

This was not written to be commented on. I'm just trying to sort things out.

The Sound of Settling...

2007-06-18T23:21:00.000-04:00

'And when I see you, I really see you upside down
But my brain knows better, it picks you up and turns you around...'

I have found myself in a Deathcab mood for nearly four months now. So many lyrics I can apply to myself in so many different situations or moods. So many I wish someone had written for me...

'Love of mine
Someday you will die
But I'll be close behind
I'll follow you into the dark...
If Heaven and Hell decide that they both are satisfied
Illuminate the 'No's' on their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you when your soul embarks
Then I will follow you into the dark'

I would like to be someone's muse, I think. At least serve as an inspiration. Or maybe it would be better to have on of my own. Something that at least yielded productivity. Instead of just infatuation I would at least get something cool out of it. A song or a painting or a dance or a play.

'You may feel alone when you’re falling asleep,
And every time tears roll down your cheeks.
But I know your heart belongs to someone you’ve yet to meet
And someday you will be loved
You’ll be loved, you’ll be loved
Like you never have known
And the memories of me will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved'

Stupid itunes putting the above with the following...

'This is the moment that you know,
That you told her that you loved her, but you don't.
You touch her skin and then you think,
That she is beautiful, but she don't mean a thing to me...'

I sat in my car with my head on the steering wheel. Stupid music and stupid my need to relate it to everything else.

'There are different names for the same thing...'

Suffocating

2007-06-17T17:21:00.000-04:00

This heat is oppressive. Why my mother refuses to turn on the air is beyond me. The sad thing is we're only one day into this little heat wave. I should go swimming but I'm oh so lazy. Maybe I will when I'm done this anyway.

My social streak continues. Maybe having Liz living with me forces it, but whatever the reason it's nice to see people...I think. Miniature golf last night was fun despite what others said. At the very least it was a little different. Apparently I'm six feet tall...but not tall enough to ride the go-carts at top speed. I lost at Cranium for the first time in at least year. This is devastating. I'm waiting on a Smile schedule so I can map out the rest of the week.

I feel like everyone is turning 21 lately. Or about to. Against my better judgement I'm starting to look forward to nine and a half months from now. I say against my better judgement because for as long as I can remember I have been just fine without drinking or going out to bars. I feel people become too dependent on alcohol - using it as an excuse or not being able to loosen up without it. I've never needed more than a bottle of water and have maintained the ability to take responsibility for every one of my actions. I don't want to have the option of an out - I do not want to have that as a crutch. And don't try and say that it won't become one. I know myself well enough to know that I don't have the most willpower in a lot of situations. I feel like I'll be setting myself up for a fall. And we all know that I don't fall gracefully. So then why am I starting to look forward to it? Maybe it's because I'm tired of being a social pariah. I laugh off the judgements that come my way with every new group of people and successfully dodge the 'just one drinks' and each party but it can be absolutely exhausting sticking to a decision, no matter what your reasons are and how soundly you've made up your mind. I'm just so tired of the looks and the thoughts that are running through peoples mind. Even the occasional admiration stings. You wish you could be like me? Then why aren't you? Because then maybe you could let me know how to get over the insecurities that come with the territory. And I know I have Kelly and Kate in the same boat as me but they have always seemed so much more resolute for some reason to me. There's like some inner peace that got dealt that I missed out on. Or at least they're more composed than I am. I've become defensively judgmental towards all the people I feel are judging me. Vicious, vicious cycle.

Anything I write anymore ends up in a place I didn't intend for it to go. Where do these little rants come from? I'm going to end up starting trouble if I'm not careful. I really just need to fix that which is at the root of this...unrest. I think I know what part of it is. At least fixing that would tell me if it was everything or if there's more to it. I hope there's more to it. If not, I'll feel far too vulnerable and it could ruin my outlook on a lot of things, future and past. I can't bring myself to believe it could be so simple to get myself into a situation yet so seemingly impossible to get myself out of it. It should be much harder to find yourself in such a place, at least. If that's not the case, though, it jades everything in such away that all else seems trivial. That is not an outlook I want to have from now on - it might ruin me. Admission is the first step to recovery, but part of me feels that by admitting to something I'm not ready to hear will cause even more trouble than I started with. Don't try and make sense of that as I can't myself.

My horoscope today was uplifting for the first time in weeks. People were supposed to think I was pretty. Of course I haven't seen anyone all day. I can't believe I'm wasting my one day of cosmic good-fortune.

I really feel that one of these would make everything alright...

2007-06-11T22:01:00.001-04:00

Seriously. I think that one of these could fix anything. I had a lovely weekend and then I came home this afternoon and it's like the thunderstorm that was absolutley awesome outside work today had gotten into my head where it wasn't nearly so entertaining.

The bike race on Sunday was spectacular. I'm a nerd and I don't care. There was all this activity on Lemon Hill and the city just seemed so...healthy. We walked all over the place and despite the fact that my hips wanted to abandon the rest of my body, it was worth it. Check facebook in the near future for pictures. Yesterday was just another piece in creating the Best Life Ever.

Today though I've just been so cranky upon returning home from work. I think it's because there was so little talking at the office today. I was allowed to sit and think for far too many hours. Plan speeches and hypothetical responses. I came home and the new door we got shut on my foot and made it bleed. We didn't even have cool bandaids for it. Just plain sheer ones. I went to rehearsal where I found my part to be bland with no opportunity for real character development. Entirely forgettable and lacking in any substance. And with no singing. In a musical. I know, I know - it's a part and I should be grateful I have anything. I feel worthless in a performing sense, though. I think Greg might have said that in the coming season at La Salle I'd see myself with parts. I don't agree though. The parts in Urinetown aren't really in my range (or lack there of) and Picasso has a small cast, or so I hear. I'm starting to think I should call it a day with acting, believe it or not. She doesn't have a flame, she'd prefer to burn out like a torch - Something Corporate has a song or lyric for any mood at all I've found. This is why I love them. I need to find something that gets me excited again. Theater used to, but I'm not finding that to be the case as much anymore. I used to not be able to sit still all day before a performance and I did nothing but smile backstage before walking out. It effortlessly took all my focus, if that makes any sense. It does to me. Nothing does that anymore. Isn't this a void you're supposed to fill with volunteering? Yeah, that didn't work either. I loved Appalachia and all but I'm pretty sure it was for the wrong reasons and at any rate was far too transient. That was a word my horror-scope of the day used. All of them have been so bad for the past month or so - which isn't nearly as upsettiing as how much stock I've been putting in them in that same time period. To be rational again. I guess to just be seventeen again. I was an oddly rational yet blissfully optimistic seventeen year old. It was a good time. Glory days. Now at 20 I'm cynical and disenchanted. And these stupid entrys all end up sounding the same. As each other, as every other cynical disenchanted 20 year old's, since the beginning of time. I am painfully ordinary and just becoming painfully aware of it.

But if I had a giant hampster ball...now that would be something extraordinary.

Impromptu...

2007-05-28T15:41:00.000-04:00

I never did look at the summer as a time for relaxing. Not in that lay-around-the-house way at least. It's always been a time for me to run around like a maniac shoving as many random plans in as possible. And I do mean random.

Liz made the mistake of playfully saying 'come visit meeee' while bored online on Saturday. Bit by the summer bug and a new haircut with a mind of its own, I said 'okay', convinced Papa he really wanted to come with and drove the 4 hours to SMC. It was practically pointless - Liz will be back in a week - but in that it was absolutely perfect. A new group of people to question my not drinking, falling asleep to 'Quantum Leap'...twice, enchilada's, the 'grand tour' of SMC, and constant harassment for my no-stopping policy on the way down. I was there for less than 24 hours. It was totally worth it.

This afternoon holds a mini-bbq. Just a precursor for the wonderfulness that is to be a Pool-Party at the Woodward's filled summer. We have strawberries and this excites me to no end.

I'm in a good place for the moment. Sweet.

drumroll please...

2007-05-20T23:56:00.000-04:00

Well...here it is before...

And now...

All gone? All gone...

(Out of focus, so check out that sundress and let me know how you feel about it...don't get too attached though; I'm probably returning it as it makes me look a little pregnant)

It tastes shorter...

Sooo now what?

Great Expectations

2007-05-20T11:52:00.000-04:00

I think I'm expecting the haircut I'm scheduled for in an hour to change my life. Like suddenly by having a new hairstyle things will fall perfectly into place. Short hair is the answer to any and all questions. This is ridiculous. In actuality a haircut will change nothing at best and make me want to hide in my house at worst. But I believe the nervousness I'm feeling in relation to this appointment is not related to the later, but is rather anticipation for something that will inevitably not happen. Does that mean regardless of the outcome I will be disappointed?

Hmm.

No purpose...

2007-05-19T23:33:00.000-04:00

I feel compelled to start writing again. Maybe it's the summer. Maybe it's the feeling like everything is just sitting in my brain and stagnating there and maybe if I move it around through something like this it will sort itself out. I have this picture of my brain like a Rubick's cube now. Maybe that makes a lot of sense.

I have nothing to actually say. That's a lie. I do have things to say but not the words to do so. I don't even know what those things are exactly, to be honest, but I know they're there. Just fuzzy and out of focus. My brain feels fuzzy. Now I have this picture of my brain like a peach.

Something isn't sitting right. I'm restless. I'm not content. People refuse to believe that it's just because I'm single. For awhile I wasn't one of those people. Now I'm thinking of joining their ranks. Something bigger is the issue here. I'm not doing enough and I'm doing too much. I want to change but I don't want to give up what I have. There is no in between on these issues. My resolution I promised lasted all of about a month and a half. Then I started talking again. Zero willpower. There have been changes, I've noticed. Want is still there but action is not. I've been more under control. I still care too much. That last part is why I say that I have been unsuccessful - it was the important part.

I'm projecting. Thinking ahead and making a plan. I think things will be staying very much the same as they are until I move to Georgia. I can't foresee anything happening that is going to really register in the long run happening before then. The big question is can I maintain my sanity if that really is the case. Or will I finally stop waivering between extremes and force a change before then? Zero willpower. I submit that I will not. And I will be waiting out the next two years. They'll be enjoyable enough. I will laugh and I will make unforgettable memories and fast friends. But I will be discontented. Admitting this alternately makes me feel better and worse.

I came to the conclusion awhile ago that I am not actually smart. I am just very good at school. I think this is going to bite me in the ass in approximately 5.5 years. I will be no good at real life. Perhaps I should consider a field invovling a longer schooling process. As if a doctorate wasn't enough.

I'm getting my hair cut tomorrow. Short. I haven't tried something like this before. It's a change. I'm terrified.

No purpose to this post. The fuzzy Rubick's cube still has 6 different colors on each side. And to top it off I write in half-sentences and bad metaphors. Maybe picking this up again was a bad idea for your sakes. My apologies.

I should study physics...or sleep...or something

2007-04-09T00:39:00.000-04:00

What does your drawing say about YOU?

You tend to pursue many different activities simultaneously. When misfortune does happen, it doesn't actually dishearten you all that much.
You are a direct and forthright person. You like to get to the core of the issue right away, with few signs of hesitation.
You like following the rules and being objective. You are precise and meticulous, and like to evaluate decisions before making them.
You have a sunny, cheerful disposition.

...well how about that.

The Final Countdown...

2006-12-31T11:39:00.000-05:00

List 15 things that you want to say to people but never will. Don't say who they are. Never discuss it again.

1) I'm starting to worry I was wrong about you. I have this flawless image of you in my head and I don't want to believe that you are punching holes in it with every in-circles conversation we have. I want to keep you perfect.

2) You are starting to grate on my nerves and i can't place exactly why. I am not as predictable as you would like to think - nothing personal.

3) I miss you. I never thought you would completely put me in your past - I had every reason to think you'd be there in some aspect. That was selfish off me. I admit it...now please come home.

4) I practically idol-worship you. Well, not literally, but I just wish I could be like you. You would think I was crazy for saying that - but I would take your flaws over my best qualities any day of the week.

5) I wish you would trust me. Some has to help you at some point, and I promise you I would never let you down. There are few things you could do that I wouldn't forgive you for. I will always be there to catch you if you fall, even if you refuse to acknowledge it or me. I don't care, because I do.

6) If you asked me today, I would marry you tomorrow.

7) You treat me too well. I don't deserve it or you. People do not appreciate you nearly enough - if they had any idea how much you cared about them, they would be floored. I wish they could see that - I wish you would let them.

8) I think you are beautiful. It makes me jealous, but in a good way. I'm glad you are happy. You have no idea.

9) I'm scared about what I will do without you. I don't think you realize that every smile in your direction is sincere. Your apology was unnecessary and made me think even more highly of you. I miss you and you haven't gone anywhere.

10) You're not so bad. We even have some stuff in common - who knew? That doesn't mean you can hug me though - please don't try yet.

11) 'What ifs' weigh heavy on the minds of friends. You are in a good place and I hope you stay there.

12) Thank you for dealing with me. I'm a pain in the ass and what's worse is I know it. I hope I can change this and start to make it up to you. Your patience is awe-inspiring. I hope I can learn from it.

13) That person you're stuck on doesn't deserve you. I wish you would expand your horizons. Let someone love you. I'm sorry I don't always listen when you talk.

14) People can see right through you. Stop being so fake and throwing what you have in everyone's faces. They've caught on finally - have you?

15) You have the most beautiful smile I have ever seen - it's as confident as you are. I'm lucky to still have you. You know me as well as anyone - and if I forget that, you are quick to remind me. Keep cutting me down to size and reminding me that I don't know as much as I think I do.

Goodbye, 2006

(I'm scared of you, 2007)

Forgive me if I slip away...

2006-12-28T23:10:00.000-05:00

Josh Groban. I wish my words were half as beautiful as his. I wish my voice was worthy of speaking the same language...or a language from the same common mother-tongue. It's not. I forget how much I appreciate him. And then this CD comes out. I was blown away. He made use of his falsetto on this one - to great success. So much control over his voice. I feel compelled to convince you to give it a listen. I figure I'll stick to the English songs for now - I'll translate the others eventually. But for now...

Don't Give Up (You Are Loved)
I worried after the opening peice - a powerful Italian number - this would lose something. I was so wrong. He almost made me believe it; I'd be loved by Josh Groban any day. Perhaps a song to look to when things get rough this year.

February Song
I can not wait until February so this can be my song quote in my AIM profile. So sad. But already, this is my new theme song - the origin of my title today. Rings true to me in so many ways. A safe song. Tied for favorite with

So She Dances
Positively haunting at the beginning and then completely uplifting in the middle. Mark my words, I will choreograph a routine to this. Ideally with a guy who will be willing to dance, and with other people. But I will dance alone to it if I have to ('I will dance so freely - holding on to no one' - Let Me fall, also by Joshy) I can see it so clearly in my head - I wish I had a reason to put this together and show it off. I can barely sit still and listen to it.

In Her Eyes
Of course it's partially the title, but this one does remind me of Jekyll and Hyde. It's a very good compliment to In His Eyes. I have to wonder if it influenced him, particularly the piano part.

Now or Never
I liked this one right away - very ...driving. It seems forceful in away - I guess it makes sense according to the title - I'm having trouble finding words for this one. Some of the lyrics I love...others I give my 'really?' look to occasionally. But still, beautiful.

Lullaby
I will sing this to my children one day. Or play it for them nightly. It would lose something if I did it - the harmonies. It's starts out a cappela. And then piano comes into accompany. It paints a picture of a father tucking in his little child perfectly - you can see him brushing back a curl of hair and turning out the light. I'm going to see this scene for real one day. Look at that hope.

Weeping
I guess if I had to have a least favorite one, this would be it. It has a sort of African flair to it - it's like a story. Still, if this is my least favorite, it's clear that I'm in love with this CD.

Machine
When I read the title of this I thought immediately of what the background music should be like - it should sound almost metallic, definitely mechanical - as the name suggests. Damned if it didn't - which made me feel like I knew what I was talking about for once. Distinctly different from any of his other songs. More synthetic. And jazzy. There is a part that sounds exactly like Fields of Gold by Sting, which makes me happy as that song was my childhood. Other parts remind me of Michael Buble meets Michael Tolcher. Which makes me smile. Horns make me think of Matchbox 20. All my favorites rolled into one song with a pretty good result.

Awake
The title track. My goodbye 2006 song. Perfect. Piano, words I can relate to, and that voice...that voice. I'm such a sucker for a distinct voice.
And I know that only time will tell us how
To carry on without each other

So keep me awake to memorize you
Give me more time to feel this way
We can't stay like this forever
But I can have you next to me today

Yeah.

My mind is wandering again. Making lists and boundaries. Cans and Can nots. I feel myself compelled to do strange things sometimes. Like now.

My first boyfriend is dead. His name is - was - Shawn. Drugs. Kindly stop jumping to conclusions. We were two when he was my boyfriend, when it was nothing but innocence. He was a cousin of a cousin on the other side. We danced at our aunt and uncle's wedding. Video records show he spent a good portion of the night avoiding me. Some things never change. It was one of those things family members joke about forever. He was 20 days younger than me. He died on his birthday this past year. We hadn't been in touch for years. I would see him briefly at family parties - where we'd smile sheepishly at each other blushing at the memory of the relationship that had essentially been forced on us by those around us. Where does one go from having been together and broken it off before either of us could really speak in full sentences? We took 'different paths'. ('And it's no one's fault/ there's no black and white/ And as the hours run away/ with another life/ darling, can't you see it's now or never?' sings Joshy) But I would never think of him anything but fondly. But why now? For Christmas, the aunt and cousins we shared gave me a simple gift. I openned the picture frame upside down, nervous at what it might show. Expecting an embarrasing face with the girls and I, I laughed nervously as I turned it over. And then my breath caught. I knew of so many pictures - tricycles in the kitchen on top of a red dress with white apron perfectly complimenting a white shirt with red bow tie half hidden by a pooh-bear birthday cake. I'd never seen this one before. It's in my pool. Something has our attention in the deep end as we watch on the steps. My stomach is hanging out (I repeat, some things never change). He is precious. The whole scene is. So candid. How do you go from one to the other? We were both there. So why am I here now without him? Not to say we would be together in a romantic sense at all - I had broken up with him over the Price Is Right at the sitter's house...He wasn't paying enough attention to me. I recall he was devestated. But no one had any idea. And I looked at the picture on Christmas as I look at it now - torn between smiling at the memory and wanting to scream 'do something different and change what's coming'. The Butterfly Effect. Such a strange thing to think of. It's just a picture.

Where has that old friend gone
Lost in a February song
Tell him it won't be long
Till he opens his eyes
Opens his eyes

Where is that simple day
Before colours broke into shades
And how did I ever fade into this life
Into this life

And I never want to let you down
Forgive me if I slip away
And all that I've got is lost and found
I promise you, I
I'll come back to you one day

Someday when it's me...

2006-12-26T19:31:00.000-05:00

MEREDITH: "I can't, I can't remember our last kiss. All I could think about was 'I'm going to die today' and I can't remember our last kiss. Which is pathetic but the last time we were together and happy... I want to be able remember that. And I can't, Derek. I can't remember."
DEREK: "I'm glad you didn't die today."
[pause]
DEREK:"It was a Thursday morning, you were wearing that ratty little Dartmouth t-shirt you look so good in. The one with the hole at the back of the neck. You'd just washed you hair and smelled like some kind of... flower. I was running late for surgery, you said you were going to see me later, and you lean to me, put your hand on my chest and you kissed me. Soft. It was quick. Kind of like a habit. You know, like we'd do it everyday for the rest of our lives. Then you went back reading the newspaper and I went to work. That was the last time we kissed."

Strikingly similar to the internal conversation I had with myself a couple of days ago, minus the whole almost dying thing, time, circumstances, and dress. That may not seem to leave much, but it does. Enough for me to have thought immediately of this quote when I tried to remember the situation in my own words. I think I'm lucky to remember my last kiss, even though I didn't know at the time what it was. I will not mention which of my relationships or non-relationships it belonged to at this point - just one that's been weighing in lately. I can even give an exact date, and recall the circumstances leading up to it - one of the many benefits of my need to record the general things I do in my planner. I can look back at a date and in many situations remember more than just the event happening, but the details. Those details are very clear to me. Five more days and I will put them out of my mind. I hope that since they're recorded as usual, I'll be able to think of them again when this is over and in as much detail.

It's easy thinking this could work from my cloistered position inside my house. I find myself breathing easy concerning it until about 1 o'clock each night. Then it comes time for sleep and I get anxious again. This is a new situation for me. I am not going to be comfortable. And in five days time I'm done discussing it, even obscurely. Another new thing for me. 2007: the year of the new.

Look, it's kicking in already...I don't even want to write anymore currently. Voila.

Student Leader #537

2006-12-18T23:11:00.000-05:00

Apparently AD-ing the dean of students show is worth receiving a La Salle tracking bracelet. I find it amusing and will continue to do so until I am shocked for unwittingly doing something that contradicts the Affirmation.

I have done absolutely nothing in the past two days. Yesterday I didn't get out of my pajamas. The only reason I did so today was to take a shower and throw on sweats and my oversized AU long-sleeved T-shirt. The one that makes me look about six years old. I took a long nap on my couch as South Park droned in the backkground. It lead to strange half-dreams about fake tooth-fairies and profanity. I woke up at 9:30 PM feeling like I should be studying something.

I'm trying to detox. Rid the system of everything. For New Years, for my academic sanity, for everything. It makes me feel empty. I hate feeling empty. Somehow I'd rather be suffering than numb. Numb doesn't feel alive. I am forever worried I don't do enough living and as little pieces of my mind and heart grow dull it only seems to confirm said worries. But in typical contradictory fashion, I feel like it's what needs to happen. In not thinking and not feeling I'm feeling stronger. I think.

I got an A in physics. Not even an A minus. I should be happy about this. I always thought I took my grades for granted and that if I would just have to work for them they would mean something. I worked so hard for this and I feel disgusted by it. Seeing it made me literally scowl at my computer. I still do not know what I am talking about. I did not earn this grade. The rest of my poor class, in struggling more than I did, earned it for me. This does not make me feel better. I'm done trying to compete with people. I'd rather understand. It's like I was finally ready to get what I deserved - a bad grade. I was ready to see what happens when you don't understand things. And it was taken from me. How am I supposed to learn to fail if things keep interfering with my doing so? I guess I've been trying to prepare myself for such failures ever since the no, thank you came from Yale. Two years ago this past Sunday, actually. It was before a performance of A Christmas Carol. I didn't cry much. Things just got very quiet. And then I went back to school and played my part. I was unprepared for how to deal with something like that. I never went without getting something I wanted like that. Parts in shows, positions on committees, grades. I get what I try for. For eighteen years, without fail. I was spoiled. And then a huge slap in the face. One that I still am trying to come to terms with. And that's not healthy. This is why I can't condone teams not having cuts when kids are younger and finding a place for everyone. People will be so ill-equiped for dealing with the failure that comes about eventually in life - they need to be conditioned early. Learn that sometimes your best isn't enough, but that you will get through it. I haven't learned that myself yet. I'm trying. And ironically failing. Does that count?

My ipod broke on the way home from school. I am forced to listen to Pandora.com which introduces me to tons of good new music, but I really just want to listen to Transatlanticism by Deathcab on repeat until I fall asleep.

Now you learn the hard way...

2006-12-08T01:11:00.000-05:00

One day I'll know better than to listen to music that is anything less than up-tempo. One day i'll know better than to put on love songs. I have to wonder though - Michael Buble is working his way through my speakers and into my heart right now, but is any of it real? Here is a man singing a love song and he's so convincing. But is it all a market ploy or does it really happen? Do guys ever really fall in love like he makes it sound or do they just do what it takes to sell a record? These are the things they should warn people about if they aren't real. Just so we know better from the start.

If I write it down I have to do it, right? Or at least try. Because it's closer to being proof then a half-concious verbal complaint from a work weary-mind. People will see it and come closer to believing it. And then it's not just mine anymore, it's a collective expectation. And we all know how I feel about letting people down. So i'll write it down and come that much closer to following through.

In 2007 I will be taking a hiatus from boys - complaining about them, pursuing them, pretending to be pursued by them, consciously flirting with them. It's too much of my life. It's all I talk about, too much of what I think about and worry about. I annoy myself with it, so I can only imagine how others feel. So it's done. I know it won't be that easy - it's going to a concious effort for me. That is so sad. I fear I'll become much quieter, at which point people start to worry, and question, and tell you what you're doing wrong. But this doesn't feel wrong - it just feels difficult. So in about 23 days expect me quieter, hopefully more serene.maybe I'll be a good listener again. i've never been very good at resolutions - I lack willpower when it comes to so many things - but this one's important for everyone. Maybe people will want to be around me more if I quit being so self-absorbed. I guess we'll see.

In these next three weeks, I hope to get everything squared away. It's the last time I'm stepping up though. part of me knew I would have to - I just let hope get the better of me sometime. The world keeps beating the optimism out of me. It's too soon to say everyone was right. I still give too much credit, I think. I have no reason to, but it's like instinct. I am nice for the wrong reasons. I don't know what they are, but they don't feel virtuous. I talk myself into a philosophy class too often. Why do I always feel guilty and nervous? I'm a Catholic - that must be it. But there I go making excuses for myself again...

...yes, it's time to downsize.

A little mood music...

2006-11-15T20:35:00.000-05:00

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And the worst part is there's no one else to blame
Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me, I am small and needy
Warm me up and breathe me
Ouch, I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found
Yeah, I think that I might break
Lost myself again and I feel unsafe
Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me, I am small and needy
Warm me up and breathe me
Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me, I am small and needy
Warm me up and breathe me

Chills every time. Every single time. From the first time Chris played it for me over a year ago for The Land of (ambrosia cake) Cockaigne. We gave everyone such a hard time about the show. Fought it tooth and nail. And yet at the end, when this song would come on at the end and the six of us would look up to the cats for just a second, I didn't care how tough the show was. I never felt more in character than I did in those few seconds. Things fell together there. Ryan, Gwen, Ange, Melissa...it felt right. It played on an episode of a show when I wasn't expecting it (Life As We Know It, maybe?) and tears were in my eyes by the time the first measure was done. We were in New York and it came on in an American Eagle and took my breath away. Help, I have done it again. And now I can't seem to take it off repeat. I should stop. It's hitting close to home and there's that ridiculous knot in my chest again. I'm teetering again and it's too soon. People start to notice from the outside in and I hate it. I have been here many times before. I'm crying for attention when I don't want to. I'm writing this and it's going to be read. I could set it to draft but won't. But I don't want to hear about it. I don't want questions and looks. I could write in my book. It's been staring me down lately but I'd rather not go there. We aren't there yet. Hurt myself again today. But I'm drawn to it. So strange. I'm looking for a pattern and can't find it. It's illogical and I can't stand it. There is no reason. Well not no reason, but nothing I deem significant enough. And the worst part is there's no one else to blame. I'm starting to consider being quiet. But I'm too easily convinced otherwise. Too easily convinced by everyone else of everything. A follower. I don't trust myself anymore. Ouch, I have lost myself again. When did that happen? Keep it together, keep it together. Got a call about Kairos. I could use it again. Though it does something to me. I wasn't meant to lead that. I just need to go and spend four days there curled in a ball with about 4 people there. Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found. People barely connected to one another but that I connect so strongly with the retreat. I hadn't particularly missed any of them lately - until now. I've been subconciously yearning for it recently. All the notes. When I should be paying attention all I can do is write. Try to keep connected. Yeah, I think that I might break. Hold on, hold on. I can't decide if getting away is what I need or not. The prospect of Thanksgiving is alternately enticing and painful. Like so much lately. Lost myself again and I feel unsafe. I suddenly wish my Grandma was here. Before she got sick. I feel like she would have known what to do. This is irrational and I hate it. This was not where this was supposed to go. Stream of conciousness takes me places I don't want to go. Be my friend. Hold me, wrap me up. Unfold me, I am small and needy. Warm me up and breathe me.

what have you done?

2006-09-30T01:12:00.000-04:00

thaaaanks sara...

i couldn't help it...

http://kevan.org/johari?name=asemiautomaticsmile

Try a little tenderness...

2006-09-24T01:19:00.000-04:00

I've been listening to Michael Buble on repeat for approximately two hours now. It makes me want to old-person dance with a boy. And I want him to know the words and sing them in my ear. And I want people to see. Rather than being the one who sees the cute couples doing their cute things, I want to be the cute couple.

In that vein, I want to go on a real date. Not this fake college "maybe we'll stop by the dining hall and then head back to my room to 'watch' a movie." A real date to some place just a little different. The zoo, perhaps. Something involving walking outside. I miss walking and hand holding in the process. I wonder if I'm still capable of that kind of multitasking.

I want to be surprised. I want someone else to make the effort relationship-wise. I want to make someone nervous. I want someone to make me nervous. I want to hear "You and I" and not feel like I'm feeling right now - like I could put my head down on the keyboard and cry if it weren't for a fear of short circut-ing something. I want to never have to be in a pseudo-relationship again. I want someone to get excited to see me and to miss me right after the door closes. I want what every other hopeless romantic wants.

I want to be wanted - above all, before all, after all, all-in-all.

New World Symphony

2006-09-23T02:03:00.000-04:00

My hair smells like camping. This reminds me of home and early spring weekends camping in the pine barrens. Hating it and growing to love it. Loving it and growing to miss it.

I walked home tonight alone. I wasn't afraid. I heard Piebald playing and I stopped and stared up at the Union. I felt left out for no reason. Walking by the football stadium my shadow looked very thin. My reflection in the mirror did not equate. I don't know why. I came home and on a Friday night listened to the classical music that everyone knows but no one knows the name of and decided to write an atypical and crappy post for some reason. It was after writing something more touching for the La Salle blog. I feel like a hypocrite.

Songs without words can make me cry. Every time I hear the Coming Home movement from New World Symphony I feel like my heart is too big for my chest. It has been this way since I first heard it in sixth grade. It was played in concentration camps. I often find myself shamefully desensitized to this point in history from studying it too much before I was old enough to understand. I don't feel that way when I hear this song. They used it on an insurance radio commercial once and I got mad because I felt they were exploiting it.

People make me feel like I'm doing something wrong sometimes. I make me feel like I'm doing something wrong sometimes. But I don't want to listen. This could prove disasterous in the long run. Or the short run. Nothing good can stay as I have a habit of being enthusiastic inappropriately or not recognizing when I have it all. I'm doing that now.

I wrote half a post at the end of the summer. It is highly depressing and will upset people should I finish it. I find myself compelled to finish it. For me. Formeformeformeferme. Ferme la bouche. That's French for 'shut up'. My high school french teacher was crazy and she said that a lot. I think I'll listen now.

You you you oughta know...

2006-09-10T20:32:00.000-04:00

My La Salle blog has been picked up for another season...sweet. So you should probably add it to your list of places to stalk me. It's requiredthat I update fairly regularly, so there will be things to read there often. They will probably be superficial and positive.

Mean this one could get very dark very fast. Or obscure. Basically I'll be saying on here what I can't say on there. Must make the University look amazing, you know.

So it's right here - enjoy

MAMACITA...

2006-08-09T15:19:00.000-04:00

If you haven't seen Y Tu Mama Tambien, that title will never have the significance it should.

So the last several days have been amazing - leading me to believe that the Pam and Felicia BEST LIFE EVER Foundation may just be a huge success.

Tech week for The Matchmaker went well. I love box office, even though it wasn't as structured at Footlighters as I would have made it...no assigned seats which meant no seating chart, which I was really looking forward to, but hey. I also got to help pick out the music for the show. I was relieved of scene changing duties, which was highly upsetting, but they swore it wasn't because I was doing anything wrong. With all of that an my workshop on stage managing, I'm a little more confidant that I won't be totally useless if I don't get cast this year - something I'm getting increasingly worried about again. But that's not important right now. The cast continually becomes closer. It's amazing that few weeks ago I really didn't see how that was going to happen. Community theater is strange, though - so different from high school or college. It's not like after this one we're going to see each other all the time between classes and on weekends. Odds are, unless we keep doing shows in the community, when the show closes its over. But I don't want to think about that either - it's too sad. Tonight we open, and for the next four days we get to show off our hard work. Kevin, our director, had a good point though. He said he'd much rather rehearse and rehearse a show than ever perform it. Final dress was the last time we were just doing it for ourselves and each other. And that's what really matters. Because you don't remember specific audiences, you remember each other. You remember what the cast thought was funny - not what the audience laughed at hardest. Audiences cheapen it...they make you question your hard work when they don't react as you expected and they give you a big head when they react strongly. Anyone who's ever had the pleasure of taking part in a production knows that the back stage memories will last much longer than the ones of the performance. So the best part of the show is behind me now - time to sell the product. I feel like a prostitute...

In more upbeat news, Felicia and Pam time abounded this past week. And it was fantastic. It all started with her last 24 hours as an 18 year old. I came in for the last five or so. Her gift? A Christmas ornament of Ariel on her rock...THAT TALKS TO YOU. That's right. And her little sayings are to be used as pick lines for one Dr. McDreamy. Sweet. And for my birthday gift - don't think about it - I got...A NEON FLAMINGO. Now, this plays a huge role in Felicia and my history. See, our habit of creating ridiculous scenarios and obsession with Sister Physics began over the attempted creation of a model of a neon flamingo lamp for science class. After you spend an afternoon trying to pose as a flamingo and palm tree, friendship is basically imminent. Needless to say, the flamingo has been named Claudette in honor of Sister. Yes, it is coming to school. After the gift exchange and a failed attempt at going to Reading for a party, we discussed the wonder that is Diego Luna. We then decided to spend our last $11 on Diego Luna movies...and Walk the Line just because. So we bring them home and proceed to start Y Tu Mama Tambien. My, oh my. We were caught a bit off guard. I'd forgotten how different foreign films are. Despite the strange story and explicit nature it was very good. Are we to be considered losers if we found a movie that we only understood by reading English subtitles legitimately funny? Hmm. Upon finishing it we basically stared in disbelief for a bit before watching the deleted features...a whistling old man has never been so entertaining. It was late so we opted to save the other movies for anther day.

Flash forward to Tuesday night. In a reminiscent mood we discussed our favorite Felicia and Pam scenarios. Wouldn't it be amazing if there was one day where all of them actually happened? Imagine that. IF that was the case, on that day at 11:59 PM I would have to retire my favorite phrase: "Best day ever". But then - here's a thought - what if we went for the best LIFE ever. That would require a series of Best Day's Ever in sucession. This was something that needed funding. Cue the creation of an infomercial and the Pam and Felicia Best Life Ever Foundation...please contribute. Time out for food. Dinner at the Andorko's is always an event. Seriously - I love it. There one of the few families I know who have active conversation during dinner still. It's amazing. Add a trip to Coldstone chauffered by Jimmy and listening to Wicked and we were set. We tried to start The Terminal, but then Cherisse came over and it was FAPs reunited. And we naturally had to show her the highlights of Y Tu Mama Tambien. So The Terminal was put on hold. We chatted for a bit before Dimple headed out. Then it was time for the creation of the FAP facebook group. This led directly to the discovery of the greatest pictures of all time. One of Sister Physics with Slinky...with a capital 'S'. You have to understand, this woman is happier with a coiled piece of metal than any human being. It's quite a concept. But the treasure of the night was undoubtedly the finding of the one picture that sums up one of our very best friends, the lovely, one-of-a-kind Amy Windsor. A picture is worth a thousand words? At least. I don't even have to tell you which one she is - by looking at the following picture, you will get a very good idea of her...and why we love her so much:

Yup.

BEST LIFE EVER

I just cried over the Wedding Episode of Full House...

2006-08-02T13:06:00.000-04:00

..what the hell is wrong with me?

'No change in heart - a change in me...'

2006-07-30T17:16:00.000-04:00

I got bored with regular titles as links, so I opted for Disney characters. I don't know why exactly - perhaps because it was one of the few things not already used. Now I can keep things alphabetized even when people change their titles =) This makes me very happy.

If you are unhappy with your name, or simply want an explaination, let me know - I shall be happy to accomodate...within reason.

'I am taking you with me' 'I am keeping you here...'

2006-07-29T18:38:00.000-04:00

So I'm back. From vacation, from the Tour, from everything. This is gonna be huge - get ready!

First, I have to discuss this. So I wake up on Thursday morning to the press screaming about Tour de France winner Floyd Landis. A sample tested after stage 17 (the most amazing stage in cycling history) showed 'abnormal levels of testosterone/epitosterone' in Landis' system and if a second test shows the same results, he could be stripped of his title. My heart broke upon first hearing the news. Why? Why why why why why? Is nothing honest anymore? But then, I started thinking about it. How could someone be so dumb as to take steroids in the middle of a race, and then make the biggest comeback ever in the Tour? Could he really think he wouldn't be tested for every type of drug known to man? The answer is no - he couldn't have. So this leads me to believe him when he says that it's a natural metabolic occurance. This used to happen all the time in the beginning years of the race - people had bad days and their levels dropped, good ones and they went way up. In Floyd's case, they are waiting for a second sample to come back. If the levels are normal, he will be cleared immediately. If not, as will likely be the case, it's going to be trickier. He maintains however, that he has always been one to produce high levels of testosterone and can be tested outside of Tour conditions to prove this. He wants to clear his name, even if it's impossible to clear his reputation. Seriously though, the reasons against a doping case are astounding. How many cyclists were involved in a doping scandal right before the Tour began? 56. And how many were barred from their scheduled start? All nine that were part of the 56, including 2 projected winners. Add to that testosterone is a mass-building horomone that would more hinder than help a cyclist, and maybe Landis has some credibility here. The press does tend to get a bit crazed over this - especially the French concerning American's and their Tour. Personally, I have my fingers crossed. Regardless of this outcome however, the UCI has to do something about doping and cycling. It is officially out of countrol.

Okay, that's out of my system. I am tossing around another Tour-related idea that is absolutely crazy but rather than mention it here and be told a million ways that it is dumb, I'm going to think it over a bit more first. Now we're gonna go back in time and I'm gonna cover a few big events that I missed during the course of the Tour that nonetheless have played a major part in my summer.

Pool Party: The Sequel and The Golden Girls' Reunion

A bunch of other people have covered it already, but as the hostess, I get to, also. So I took off from work on Friday the 14th to get all set up for the festivities. I had to pick K-Laz up from the airport when her plane got in at around 12:20. I was actually nervous, I'd never been to pick someone up from the airport before, so there were a million ways I could mess up. Well, I found the place and after her plane finished taxi-ing around, oh, an hour or so later, we headed home. Much wonderful conversation and music followed on the ride home and as we waited for the others to arrive. Apparently, the time I give for things means nothing, as people show up when they are ready. Fortunately, the parentals are accomodating to out-of-towners. Dino, Kate, George, and Alysssa got to my humble abode at around 4:00 followed by Liz and the night of madness began. Events included:

Jump Contest aka The Leap of Imminent Pain: Let's figure out how flinging ourselves in to the air and water will inflict the most amount of damage on those imitating it afterwards. Awesome. Cartwheels, handstands (which I am no longer allowed to do), toe-touches, leaps (which Dino is no longer allowed to do), and flips that turn into backflops, if you're George, which I imitated to perfection topped the list of death-defying feats. Anyone who was to afraid to attempt, was thrown in, and usually ended up in even more pain as a result.

(insert the arrival of Amanda Greg, Chris, Jo-Anna, Davey and Felicia (from home))

10 on 2 Basketball aka How many people can you have attached to your being in a ten-foot pool before you drown - and more importantly, would you let go of the ball?: This was by far the most insane game of basketball I have ever participated in in my life. I will forever have the image of Dino backing Kelly in to a wall, towering over her, screaming 'WHAT? WHAT?' after he - approximately a foot taller - scored on her. Despite many attempts at drowning various boys, they still beat us. I think it has something to do with the fact that we can't shoot a basket to save our lives, most of the time...or that most of us were about half the size of George and Dino. Chris and Greg have no excuse. My contribution came with a flying leap off the stairs in the more evenly matched game to steal the ball from Chris. No one saw it coming, least of all Felicia, whose head I dove over in the process.

Five Team Chicken Fight aka Not-So-Sudden Death: As we paired off for the second round of chicken fighting, the teams were deep in conversation. About three and a half minutes into the plotting, Jo Anna astutely pointed out that 'It's a chicken fight'. This true statement was mulled over for .087 seconds before it was met by shouts of 'WE ARE STRATIGIZING FOR LIFE' by the males, who promptly went back to planning. After a quick weigh-in, I was deemed least likely to permanently paralyze Davey and we took to the Ring of Death. After a no-holds-barred, "I see boobies", insult-filled battle, I am quite pleased to say that we did not come in last. Fourth, thank you very much. If I was sore waking up the next morning, I do not evny the boys.
(exit a not totally up right Davey, and Alyssa)

Cranium aka Battle of The Sexes: The evening closed out with a not-so-friendly game of Cranium. From my apparently robotic representation of "evolution" and butt-shaped tombstones, to Chris's sacreligious yet futile portrayal of "congregation" and Dino's lack of creativity in acting out Shakespeare's plays it was utterly ridiculous. Jo Anna, Kate and I are unbeatable.

And so concluded the pool party portion of the weekend. After K-Laz's first trip to a Wawa, the remaining Golden Girls, sans Kate, headed off to my grandma's where we talked til the early morning, broke a glass, then slept til 11 AM. Cue Saturday. The morning was spent lounging and chatting at Grandma's. We then headed back to Edgewater to catch up on Stage 12 of the tour, as Liz is my fellow cycling-junkie, and to watch an episode or two of Grey's. Lovely. Then it was off to Collingswood to see the utterly amazing, ever entertaining, indescribably gorgeous Matt Duke. Yum. 'If he sang it, I would do it.' Yes, yes I believe I would. The trip home involved much swooning, and sightseeing of assorted place's one Matt Duke mentioned, and of Moorestown, the best town in America to live two years running - seriously. More Wawa, and then off to bed with us. Sunday morning was the Golden Girl's Church Fashion show. Sorry most of you missed it. Back home to watch stage 13 and get K-Laz and Amanda hooked to the Tour. Amanda, however, though intrigued could not understand much of the common courtesies of the tour. "Dear Bobke - why aren't they better?" And so concluded an amazing weekend - the girls headed off, I took Kelly to the airport and went home to a much emptier house in sadness. The evening, to raise my spirits, Christopher and I taught ourselves the beginning dance sequence of Tango: Maureen. We are amazing.

Family Values

Tuesday was much more interesting than I expected it to be. I had taken off from work to chaperone my six-year-old cousin Tommy's trip to the Franklin Institute with his Day Care. Having discovered that I was cool enough to be introduced to his friends, the following conversation ensued:
Thomas: 'Well, you have a boyfriend, don't you?'
Me: (amazed I'm discussing my relationship status with my six year old cousin) '...actually I don't anymore'
Thomas: 'Huh...well what happened?'
Me: (still amazed) 'He, uh,er...found a new girlfriend...'
Thomas: 'Oh...I liked Brian'
Me: '...guh-der-i-ah...I did too...'
Thomas: '...well?'
Me: 'He found a new girlfriend, too.'
Thomas: (deep in thought) 'huh...' (pause) ' Why don't you date him?' (gestures to freckle-faced boy in his class)
Me: (Looking from Thomas, to boy, and back to Thomas) 'Tom - how old is he?'
Boy: (self-satisfied) 'I'm ten.'

Me: 'Right.'

Ladies and gentlemen, my life has hit a new low. But that will forever be my favorite exchange with Thomas Seeds, my bleeding heart, ever helpful cousin.

Jersey's Finest

More moments with Thomas followed this past week as my entire maternal side of the family headed down to the Jersey Shore for our annual Sea Isle trip. Can I just say that I love that my two uncles own a house down there but we don't stay in it because our family's too big? Yeah - try fifteen, plus Jenna or another friend I bring with. This trip, whether I admit it or not, and whether my family believes it or not, has always been and still is my favorite part of the summer. Highlights included:

(as my brother shared his music with Tom)
Aunt Martha: Do you know what your listening to Tom?
Tom: '...no.'
My Mom: 'Oh, it's that Party at the Psycho.'
Me: 'Panic! at the Disco, Mom? Party! at the Psycho? Seriously? Seriously, Mom?'

- Will Grogan, Jenna, and I laughing for hours on end - 'MAX! MAKE ME A TURKEY SANDWICH!'
- Cousin Kelsey and I getting asked 'If we'd met Johnnie Ray?' and four questions by lifegaurds (1. SPF of preference, 2. Three people we'd spend the last day of our lives with 3. Gorgeous and bland personality or hideous and hysterical for a husband? 4. Supporter of gay marriage)
- The entire clan going to play miniature golf.
- Felicia and I walking 10 miles and sitting on the huge rocks in the tide pool, discussing the future and how we seriously want to settle down.
-Planning the future bar crawl and reward cruise.
-Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights

Seriously, this vacation was beautiful. Not nearly long enough though. I didn't get o go surfing with Will and I miss it like crazy. Just like I missed him. Our mom's were best friends at Holy Cross, we grew up together. I taught him the dangers of fire when our families went to Vermont when we were toddlers and he taught me to surf last summer. He is my perfect partner in comedy. And I don't see nearly enough of him. Spending time with Jen on Sunday was nice even if we just stayed in and watched movies. And Felicia and I had a great time at the end of the week. Seriously, despite our falling out last summer, she is still my closest friend from Holy Cross. Even with all of the changes, we have the most in common. I love it. And Havana Nights? I'm serious, people. I didn't want to watch it - she made me - and I love her for it. Jesus, why can't that be me? I want to go to Cuba and meet a ridiculously sweet boy and have him teach me to dance and wear amazing clothes and gaaaaahhhhh. Watch it and tell me I'm wrong.

Come Together

My beach trip was broken up and cut a few hours short by my running back and forth for play practices. We are off book, final line call is on Monday. It's going well. Today was a huge tech day. Prop Hunt 2006: Team Eta! I got to work box office. ATTENTION!!!! If you are interested in coming to see The Matchmaker, August 9-12 at 8 PM in Cinnaminson, NJ please let me know so I can reserve you a ticket. The Theater is small and we do SELL OUT. They are $10 when you pick them up the night of. I love box office. We had a workshop on stage managing - I have a huge huge respect for them, They do more work then you could ever realize. Then we had a costume parade - I am in love, L-O-V-E love with my costumes and hats. Vintage and amazing - I was born in the wrong century. I painted (and got paint on my shoe =( ) and clean paint off the carpet a million times. More importantly over the last few weeks the cast and crew is getting close. Finally. They're amazing, really. So tech week is almost upon us, and I can't wait! Love the part, love the clothes, love the people - love theater.

This post has made me very happy, so I will not dwell on the few icky things that have been occurring, because they are vastly outnumbered by the good. Vastly. Here's to hoping that sticks around.

Stage Twenty...

2006-07-23T12:30:00.000-04:00

Stage Twenty:
1st: Thor Hushovd - Norway - Credit-Agricole - 3:56:52
2nd: Robbie McEwen - Australia - Lotto - 3:56:52
3rd: Stuart O'Grady - Australia - CSC - 3:56:52

Overall:
1st: Floyd Landis - USA - Phonak - 85:42:30
2nd: Oscar Pereiro - Spain - Caisse d'Epargne-Illes - (+ :57)
3rd:Andreas Kloden - Germany - T-Mobile (+ 1:29)
4th: Carlos Sastre - Spain - CSC - (+ 3:13)
5th: Cadel Evans - Australia - Lotto - (+ 5:08)
6th Denis Menchov - Russia - Rabobank - (+7:06)
7th: Cyril Dessel - France - AG2R - (+8:41)
8th:Christophe Moreau - France - AG2R - (+9:37)
9th: Haimar Zubeldia - Spain - Euskatel - (+12:05)
10th: Michael Rodgers - Australia - T-Mobile - (+15:07)
11th: Frank Schleck - Luxembourg - CSC - (+17:46)
12th: Damiano Cunego - Italy - Lampre - (+19:19)
13th: Levi Leipheimer - USA - Gerolsteiner (+ 19:22)
14th: Michael Boogard - Netherlands - Rabobank - (+19:46)
15th: Marcus Fothen - Germany - Gerolsteiner - (+19:57)
19th: Jose Azevedo - Portugal - Discovery (+ 38:08)
24th: Christian Vandevelde - USA - CSC - (+50:19)
25th: Yaroslav Popovich - Ukraine - Discovery (+ 52:02)
32nd: George Hincapie - USA - Discovery (+ 1:11:22)
53rd: Jens Voight - Germany - CSC - (+1:50:41)
74th: David Zabriskie - USA - CSC - (+2:33:36)

Yellow Jersey (Overall Leader): Floyd Landis
Green Jersey(Top Points Earner): Robbie McEwen (Austrailia)
White Jersey(Best Young Rider): Damiano Cunego (Italy)
Red Polka Dot Jersey (King of the Mountain): Michael Rasmussen
Yellow Numbers (Best Team): T-Mobile
Red Number (Most Competitive): David de la Fuente

So after three long, heartwrenchng and ultimately shocking weeks the 2006 Tour de France has come to a close. And for the eighth time in eight years - the eleventh time in twenty-one years and American has won the Tour de France. Floyd Landis officially took his place atop the podium in Paris today and got the winner's yellow jersey. The yellow jersey race was pretty much done as of yesterday, though that was not the case for the white jersey. There was a shaky moment for Cunego, who allowed main rival Fothen to get in a breakaway that was nearly successful on the Champs d'Elysais, compounded when Cunego got a flat tire. The breakaway was caught, however, though there were several more attacks in an attempt to ruin the stage for the sprinters. No such luck though. It appeared as though McEwen was going to take the stage, but Thor hushovd, winner of the prolouge put in the extra effort and took the final stage, going full circle. None of this matter in the overall standings, however. The jersey competition was completed. An awesome, awesome tour in the end. I was a bit skeptical, but in the end I was very very pleased. Way to go Floyd Landis, way to go America. Vive le Tour!

Stage Nineteen...

2006-07-22T12:04:00.000-04:00

Stage Nineteen:
1st: Serhiy Honchar - Ukraine - T-Mobile - 1:07:45
2nd: Andreas Kloden - Germany - T-Mobile - 1:08:26
3rd: Floyd Landis - USA - Phonak - 1:08:56

Overall:
1st: Floyd Landis - USA - Phonak - 85:42:30
2nd: Oscar Pereiro - Spain - Caisse d'Epargne-Illes - (+ :59)
3rd:Andreas Kloden - Germany - T-Mobile (+ 1:29)
Other notables:
4th: Carlos Sastre - Spain - CSC - (+ 3:13)
5th: Cadel Evans - Australia - Lotto - (+ 5:08)
13th: Levi Leipheimer - USA - Gerolsteiner (+ 19:22)
19th: Jose Azevedo - Portugal - Discovery (+ 38:08)
25th: Yaroslav Popovich - Ukraine - Discovery (+ 52:02)
32nd: George Hincapie - USA - Discovery (+ 1:11:22)

Yellow Jersey (Overall Leader): Floyd Landis
Green Jersey(Top Points Earner): Robbie McEwen (Austrailia)
White Jersey(Best Young Rider): Damiano Cunego (Italy)
Red Polka Dot Jersey (King of the Mountain): Michael Rasmussen
Yellow Numbers (Best Team): T-Mobile
Red Number (Most Competitive): N/A

It's all but official. Floyd Landis wins the yellow jersey, making it the eighth year in a row and American has won the Tour de France. Although Pereire is only about a minute down, the odds of an attack are highly unlikely, as tomorrow is seen almost as just a formality. There will likely be a sprint finish, but that competition is pretty locked up as well. Today's time trial went to plan, with Honchar dominating as in Stage Seven, but Landis easily beating his main competition. Pereiro did hang in a bit longer than expected and in the end, he held on for second place overall. Well done for a man not known for his time-trialing. The news of the day came in the white jersey competition when Cunego held on and extended a five second lead over competition Fothen to remain the best young rider in the race. Not a huge surprise when you realize he won the Tour of Italy at 22, but still a bit unexpected. So there you have it. I may or may notbe updating tomorrow as I am off to the shore, but at my earliest convenience I'll put the final standing and figures. You guys have practically made it through my coverage of the Tour - good job.

Stage Eighteen...

2006-07-21T23:40:00.000-04:00

Stage Eighteen:
1st: Matteo Tosatto - Italy - Quickstep - 4:16:15
2nd: Cristian Moreni - Italy - Cofidis - 4:16:15
3rd: Ronny Scholz - Germany - Gerolsteiner - 4:16:17

Overall:
1st: Oscar Pereiro - Spain - Caisse d'Epargne-Illes - 84:33:04
2nd: Carlos Sastre - CSC - Spain - ( + :12)
3rd: Floyd Landis - USA - Phonak - (+ :30)
Other notables:
4th: Andreas Kloden - Germany - T-Mobile (+ 2:29)
5th: Cadel Evans - Australia - Lotto - (+ 3:08)
13th: Levi Leipheimer - USA - Gerolsteiner (+ 15:01)
19th: Jose Azevedo - Portugal - Discovery (+ 34:01)
25th: Yaroslav Popovich - Ukraine - Discovery (+ 48:45)
32nd: George Hincapie - USA - Discovery (+ 1:07:33)

Yellow Jersey (Overall Leader): Oscar Periero
Green Jersey(Top Points Earner): Robbie McEwen (Austrailia)
White Jersey(Best Young Rider): Damiano Cunego (Italy)
Red Polka Dot Jersey (King of the Mountain): Michael Rasmussen
Yellow Numbers (Best Team): T-Mobile
Red Number (Most Competitive): Levi Leipheimer

Compared to the last few days, today's stage was quiet. A relatively flat stage with a perfect sprinters' finish, a breakaway of 15 riders survived, with three leaders separating from that to win the stage. Leipheimier tried valiantly for a stage win, but attacked too soon and was picked back up. Other than that, nothing really changed. Egoi Martinez was in the breakaway for Discovery, further proving they were trying to salvage an otherwise distasterous tour with stage wins. No luck on that, though. All anyone was really talking about was the miraculous turn-around for Landis, and how, essentially, he is the front runner, despite being in third. The time-trial is his play ground and in the Stage 7 ITT, he finished over a minute ahead of the two men ahead of him. I don't want to jinx it...but he's right there. Barring extreme circumstance...but you can't really do that on this tour. It is literally coming down to this. Tomorrow's stage should be fantastic. Please please please don't choke Floyd!!

Stage Seventeen...

2006-07-21T00:32:00.000-04:00

Stage Seventeen:
1st: Floyd Landis - USA - Phonak - 5:23:36
2nd: Carlos Sastre - Spain - CSC - 5:29:18
3rd: Christophe Moreau - France - AG2R - 5:29:34

Overall:
1st: Oscar Pereiro - Spain - Caisse d'Epargne-Illes - 80:08:49
2nd: Carlos Sastre - CSC - Spain - ( + :12)
3rd: Floyd Landis - USA - Phonak - (+ :30)
Other notables:
4th: Andreas Kloden - Germany - T-Mobile (+ 2:29)
5th: Cadel Evans - Australia - Lotto - (+ 3:08)
18th: Levi Leipheimer - USA - Gerolsteiner (+ 22:01)
19th: Jose Azevedo - Portugal - Discovery (+ 34:01)
24th: Yaroslav Popovich - Ukraine - Discovery (+ 48:51)
32nd: George Hincapie - USA - Discovery (+ 1:07:33)

Yellow Jersey (Overall Leader): Oscar Periero
Green Jersey(Top Points Earner): Robbie McEwen (Austrailia)
White Jersey(Best Young Rider): Damiano Cunego (Italy)
Red Polka Dot Jersey (King of the Mountain): Michael Rasmussen
Yellow Numbers (Best Team): T-Mobile
Red Number (Most Competitive): Floyd Landis

Holy God. If anyone needed to understand why I'm so attached to this tour all they had to do was watch yesterday's and today's stages in succession. These posts make me sound bipolar, but the impossible happens day after day in this thing. Everytime it seems like the field is sorting itself out, something totally incredible happens. Today's instance: Floyd Landis. Everyone - announcers, fans, Floyd himself had pretty much said 'Alright, good game' after losing over eight minutes yesterday and falling out of the top ten. And then today, he got into an early breakaway and dropped the leaders. He looked nothing like the man from stage sixteen who hit the wall. He was back to typical form. And it looked like he was simply riding out for a stage victory. And then he started putting on time over the breakaway containing about 35 of the big names (and 4 Discovery members, hanging in there). Then he caught up to the leaders. And then he was in the lead. And he wasn't racing for the stage anymore. He was racing for the yellow jersey again. At several points on the road he gave himself enough time to get it, but with the last climb of the day he lost a bit of his lead. Still - he went from being eight minutes down to thirty seconds. SECONDS. He's in third place. I don't know how to say it - but that just doesn't happen. This stage was unbelieveable. People in the booth put down their calculators because once again the board was turned upside down and it came down to the clock at the very end to see who would be where in the standings. Landis was accused of having no panache by the French press when he was in the yellow jersey. This would be a big f-you to them from Mr. Landis. You don't get anymore amazing than that. Now with tomorrow bwing a fairly inconsequencial undulating stage, it comes down to the final 54 km individual time trial on Saturday to decide this race. Floyd's specialty is time trialing...he could amaze us all. I love this thing.

Stage Sixteen...

2006-07-19T20:08:00.000-04:00

Stage Sixteen:
1st: Michael Rasmussen - Denmark - Rabobank - 5:36:04
2nd: Carlos Sastre - CSC - Spain - 5:37:45
3rd: Oscar Pereiro - Spain - Caisse d'Epargne-Illes - 5:37:58

Overall:
1st: Oscar Pereiro - Spain - Caisse d'Epargne-Illes - 74:38:05
2nd: Carlos Sastre - CSC - Spain - ( + 1:50)
3rd: Andreas Kloden - Germany - T-Mobile (+ 2:29)
Other notables:
5th: Cadel Evans - Australia - Lotto - (+ 2:56)
9th: Levi Leipheimer - USA - Gerolsteiner (+ 7:46)
11th: Floyd Landis - USA - Phonak - (+ 8:08)
20th: Jose Azevedo - Portugal - Discovery (+ 19:46)
26th: Yaroslav Popovich - Ukraine - Discovery (+ 34:36)
52nd: George Hincapie - USA - Discovery (+ 53:18)

Yellow Jersey (Overall Leader): Oscar Periero
Green Jersey(Top Points Earner): Robbie McEwen (Austrailia)
White Jersey(Best Young Rider): Marcus Fothen (Germany)
Red Polka Dot Jersey (King of the Mountain): Michael Rasmussen
Yellow Numbers (Best Team): CSC
Red Number (Most Competitive): Michael Rasmussen

This stage broke my heart. It didn't make me angry, just very sad. It was another punishing mountain stage. Rasmussen, the King of the Mountain winner of 2005, shined from 5 km on, a clear cut winner from the beginning. But in the race for the yellow jersey, there was pandemonium. A breakaway of 14 followed Rasmussen and two others and contained a few Discovery riders, including Popovich. With four mountains to cross thoughm they could not stay seperated from the major contenders. The carnage known as the Peleton was scattered across the Alps after the first mountain of the day and highest mountain of the Tour, the Col de Galibier. Five riders dropped out today alone, bringing the field down to 147 riders. The decents of the day were treacherous, but oddly enough the safer ones saw more crashes. By the final mountain of the day, several of the main contenders were traveling together - Kloden, Evans, Landis, Sastre, and Menchov. Members of T-Mobile and CSC were present to help Kloden and Sastre, respectively, but Landis and the yellow jersey were alone. And he paid for it. An acceleration at the front of the group was not answered by Landis. He totally cracked. It was so sad. The group picked up more and more time on him and he rode most of the final ten km by himself, with people passing him left and right until one of his teammates, Axel Merckx who has worked so hard for the last couple days, caught up and led him into the line. It's hard to say anything for definite with this tour as things are constantly being turned inside out, but with time running out and another tough stage tomorrow, Floyd may have just lost his chance at winning or even taking the podium. It's devestating. Also disappointing on the day was an ineffectual attack by Leipheimer. He was gaining time for awhile but ended the day right where he started, actually losing a few seconds. Poor, poor USA. Periero, on the other hand is totally defying the odds and looking amazing in the mountains, which are not typically his strong point. The other contenders are kicking themselves for letting him get that half-hour lead before the rest day. Most of us called that though. Tomorrow is the final day in the Alps, and then its just 2 more stages before Paris. What a Tour.

Stage Fifteen...

2006-07-18T22:49:00.000-04:00

Stage Fifteen:
1st: Frank Schleck - Luxembourg - CSC - 4:52:22
2nd: Damiano Cunego - Italy - Lampre - 4:52:33
3rd: Stefano Garzelli - Italy - Liquigas - 4:53:32

Overall:
1st: Floyd Landis - USA - Phonak - 69:00:05
2nd: Oscar Pereiro - Spain - Caisse d'Epargne-Illes -(+ :10)
3rd: Cyril Dessel - France - AG2R (+ 2:02)
Other notables:
6th: Andreas Kloden - Germany - T-Mobile (+ 2:29)
7th: Cadel Evans - Australia - Lotto - (+ 2:56)
9th: Levi Leipheimer - USA - Gerolsteiner (+ 6:18)
13th: Yaroslav Popovich - Ukraine - Discovery (+ 7:36)
25th: Jose Azevedo* - Portugal - Discovery (+ 13:47)
38th: George Hincapie - USA - Discovery (+ 26:18)

Yellow Jersey (Overall Leader): Floyd Landis
Green Jersey(Top Points Earner): Robbie McEwen (Austrailia)
White Jersey(Best Young Rider): Marcus Fothen (Germany)
Red Polka Dot Jersey (King of the Mountain): David de la Fuente (Spain)
Yellow Numbers (Best Team): CSC
Red Number (Most Competitive): Stefano Garzelli (Italy)

The Alps always hold something special, particularly when the include the famed Alpe d'Huez. If you're a non-cycling fan and you think of one memorable image you've seen in passing from the tour, odds are its from Alpe d'Huez. Lance on the US Postal Team glancing over his shoulder at Jan Ulrich? Yup, 2001. Lance riding alone with his sun glasses on, yellow jersey unzipped and cross dangling as he peddled up hill? Mmhmm, 2004 time trial. How about fans swamping the road so that you can't see where the path is until you're already on it? Yeah, every year. I don't want to hear the cycling has no fan base. On this mountain alone, whenever it's included in the tour anywhere from 500,000 to 1,000,000 fans show upfrom across the world. Unbelievable. And they are insane. Absolutely crazy. And that's even without being completely intoxicated. They run along side, in front of and around the riders in costumes, with flags, or totally naked. They stand in the middle of the road snapping pictures until the last possible second, and are so loud you can barely hear the commentary from the box. Cycling legends are made on this mountain. Today was no exception. On a very strategic day of racing with two other climbs, the tour did not disappoint. A lead breakaway of 25 riders contained no one who is really still a yellow jersey contender, but several big names, like Zabriskie, Jens Voight, George Hincapie, Egoi Martinez, and several others. Martinez actually crashed out, but remained in the race. The same does not go for Tom Boonen who abandoned the race today, daunted by the Alps. He has yet to finish a Tour de France. There were a few attacks through out the day before the final major climb where all hell broke loose. The breakaway fell apart and the Peloton shattered. At the base of the Alpe d'Huez the contenders made their moves. Landis, Kloden, Leipheimer, Evans, Menchov - all were in fantastic form. Menchov and Evans did crack a little though. Landis and Kloden though looked amazing. Periero lost the jersey to Landis by the time he crossed the line, but still road very well considering he was not expected to be in the GC at all. I wish I could go into more detail on the stage, but there was just so much that happened, it's hard to pick and choose what to include. Just know that this year's trip up the Alpe d'Huez more than lived up to its precursors. In other news, Lance Armstrong made the trip to France yesterday and was seen riding the Alpe d'Huez on the rest day. He rode the mountain 4 times in the tour, winning the stage twice - once in 2001, and once when it was made into a time trial in 2004. This time though, no one recognized him. How strange. He rode in the Discovery car today during the stage. I give him a lot of credit for doing that. It has to be insanely difficult. It's like when I go back to Cross to watch a show and I'm just dying to be onstage with them - it's still home in a way. Im sure it's comparable to that. Anyway - tomorrow is another day in the Alps. It's anybody's guess how it will turn out though, just like every other stage, I know - but add to that the fact that no one saved anything today. They are going to be exhausted for a stage tomorrow that will be just as difficult, if not more so than today. Personally, I can't wait.

Stage Fourteen...

2006-07-17T23:40:00.000-04:00

Stage Fourteen:
1st: Pierrick Fedrigo - France - Telecom - 4:14:23
2nd: Salvatore Commesso - Italy - Lampre - 4:14:23
3rd: Christian Vandevelde - USA - CSC - 4:14:26

Overall:
1st: Oscar Pereiro - Spain - Caisse d'Epargne-Illes - 64:05:04
2nd: Floyd Landis - USA - Phonak - (+ 1:29)
3rd: Cyril Dessel - France - AG2R (+ 1:37)
Other notables:
5th: Cadel Evans - Australia - Lotto - (+ 2:46)
7th: Andreas Kloden - Germany - T-Mobile (+ 3:58)
11th: Yaroslav Popovich - Ukraine - Discovery (+ 5:44)
15th: Levi Leipheimer - USA - Gerolsteiner (+ 7:08)
19th: Jose Azevedo* - Portugal - Discovery (+ 9:11)
34th: George Hincapie - USA - Discovery (+ 24:28)

Yellow Jersey (Overall Leader): Oscar Pereiro
Green Jersey(Top Points Earner): Robbie McEwen (Austrailia)
White Jersey(Best Young Rider): Marcus Fothen (Germany)
Red Polka Dot Jersey (King of the Mountain): David de la Fuente (Spain)
Yellow Numbers (Best Team): CSC
Red Number (Most Competitive): Salvatore Commesso

What a stage. It was much harder than one would think at first glance. With two big climbs and another hot day, many were looking to ust get to the rest day. Pereiro's team set the pace today, choosing a tactic different than Phonak's, to keep the yellow jersey through the rest. A breakaway of six occurred, but the only got about five and a half minutes on the Peloton at the most. That was before the crash however. I can't even put into words how horrific this thing was. Of the six riders in the lead, one went down on some loose gravel as he came around a corner and hit a baracade. Matthias Kessler, who won a stage earlier braked to try and avoid him, but couldn't and flipped over the barrier into a ditch. Then, I hadn't even noticed, but in watching the replay, a third memeber of the breakaway went over the rail further down the road. Absolutely terrifying. My words don't do it justice - so watch here. Click on the heading "Three Crashes." Kessler was the only one who managed to get back on his bike. One apparently injured his arm or collar bone and the other, the one who went over the rail had a suspected broken leg. Shaken, the race officials warned the others to slow down. There were no major crashes on the rest of the day, thank goodness. The breakaway group - rather what was left of it - managed to hold on and take the win, just ten seconds before a diminished Peleton. Vandevelde, an American, was a surprise attack off the front just as the group came down to the line. Discovery appeared to be organizing for an attack, but it fell through...surprise. Notice that Martinez and Zabriskie have fallen from my list of contenders. Today was a rest day and tomorrow presents the Alps. Get pumped!

Stage Thirteen (Abbreviated)...

2006-07-16T16:29:00.000-04:00

Stage Thirteen:
1st: Jens Voight - Germany - CSC
2nd: Oscar Pereiro - Spain - Caisse d'Espargne-Illes

Overall:
1st: Oscar Pereiro - Spain - Caisse d'Espargne-Illes
2nd: Floyd Landis - USA - Phonak
3rd: Cyril Dessel - France - AG2R (+ :08)

Yellow Jersey (Overall Leader): Oscar Pereiro
Green Jersey(Top Points Earner): Robbie McEwen (Australia)
White Jersey(Best Young Rider): Marcus Fothen (Germany)
Red Polka Dot Jersey (King of the Mountain): David de la Fuente (Spain)
Yellow Numbers (Best Team): CSC

Love love love VCRs. So notice the change in yellow jersey. Strategy by Phonak apparently. Dumb strategy, if you ask me. A breakaway occurred again and Phonak, for some reason, let the riders gain almost half an hour on them. Yeah, you read that correctly - a half hour. We're talking about almost 30 minutes here. That moved Pereiro from 48th place to FIRST. But Discovery (coughHINCAPIEparticularlycouch) wishes they were apart of that one. So Phonak apparently didn't want the pressure of guarding the malloit jaune for the rest of the race. The feel like then can get it back. But it was like they had to TRY to lose it this time. I mean the people in the breakaway were little to worry about before....but now? Pereiro isn't noted for his climbing skills, but now Landis is about a minute and a half down...this could really come back to bite him this week. Tonight I can be all caught up to stage fourteen, and then tomorrow's a rest day. It'll give the riders (and me) a chance to recuperate. One more week. =/

Stage Twelve (Abbreviated)...

2006-07-16T16:14:00.000-04:00

Stage Twelve:
1st: Yaroslav Popovich - Ukraine - Discovery

Overall:
1st: Floyd Landis - USA - Phonak
2nd: Cyril Dessel - France - AG2R (+ :08)
3rd: Denis Menchov - Russia - Rabobank - (+ 1:01)
Other notables:
10th: Yaroslav Popovich - Ukraine - Discovery - (+ 4:30)

Yellow Jersey (Overall Leader): Floyd Landis
Green Jersey(Top Points Earner): Robbie McEwen (Austrailia)
White Jersey(Best Young Rider): Marcuz Fothen (Germany)
Red Polka Dot Jersey (King of the Mountain): David de la Fuente (Spain)
Yellow Numbers (Best Team): T-Mobile

Abandoned: Paolo Salvodelli and Ben Noval - both Spain - both Discovery

You thought I'd miss it. Ha. Ok, so this update isn't nearly as detailed as most, but as I haven't been online I didn't get to double check my facts, so I listed the ones I knew. Dammit, Discovery - talk about your mixed messages. Salvodelli dropped out at the beginning of the stage following his descent from the mountains of stage 11. He was riding downhill, as it was faster than waiting for a car and, sans helmet and AFTER the day's race was over...and he collide with a crazy french spectator. Fifteen stitches later, he can't pull through today. And who knows the deal with Noval. Honestly, guys - Armstrong beat cancer. CANCER. No excuses for you. Seriously, this would not have happened last year. Or any of the last seven years to be honest. ::sigh:: But then, you have Popovich, last year's most promising young rider, in a breakaway. One that Phonak didn't rush the Peloton to catch. So all of a sudden, it was the end of the race and the breakaway still had about four and a half minutes on the group. So Popovich attacks the other riders once, twice, three, and finally four times to get away and take the stage...and cut his time deficit in half, moving in to the top ten. Just when my hope was almost lost, he pulls me back. I can't deal. Landis stayed in yellow, comfortable currently. I love VCRs.

Stage Eleven...

2006-07-13T23:54:00.000-04:00

Stage Eleven:
1st: Denis Menchov - Russia - Rabobank - 6:06:25
2nd: Levi Leipheimer - USA - Gerolsteiner - 6:06:25
3rd: Floyd Landis - USA - Phonak - 6:06:25

Overall:
1st: Floyd Landis - USA - Phonak - 49:18:07
2nd: Cyril Dessel - France - AG2R (+ :08)
3rd: Denis Menchov - Russia - Rabobank - (+ 1:01)
Other notables:
4th: Cadel Evans - Australia - Lotto - (+ 1:17)
6th: Andreas Kloden - Germany - T-Mobile (+ 2:29)
13th: Levi Leipheimer - USA - Gerolsteiner (+ 5:39)
18th: Jose Azeedo* - Portugal - Discovery (7:27)
23rd: Yaroslav Popovich - Ukraine - Discovery (+ 9:00)
40th: George Hincapie - USA - Discovery (+ 23:01)
41st: Paolo Savoldelli - Italy - Discovery (+ 24:22)
52nd:Egoi Martinez - Spain - Discovery (+ 31:26)
71st: Dave Zabriskie - USA - CSC (+ 41:33)

Yellow Jersey (Overall Leader): Floyd Landis
Green Jersey(Top Points Earner): Robbie McEwen (Austrailia)
White Jersey(Best Young Rider): Marcuz Fothen (Germany)
Red Polka Dot Jersey (King of the Mountain): David de la Fuente (Spain)
Yellow Numbers (Best Team): T-Mobile
Red Number (Most Competitive): David de la Fuente

Oh man. This stage was well worth the wait. FINALLY the cyclist that are the most capable started to set themselves apart. It started with the daring attack of de la Fuente. He's a new rider but is proving himself to be very capable. On a day of five climbs though, it was impossible for him to stay in the lead. Finally, a group of about 18 top riders broke off the Peleton, which was shattered in to an indeterminate number of groups. The first group, however, had your leaders - Landis, Kloden, Leipheimer (who finally had a good day!), Evans...but without Hincapie. Discovery continues to let me down, falling to 10th in the team placement. They had their possible new leader Azevedo in the group at first, but her was dropped, like many others towards the end. Popovich stayed with the second large group, where Hincapie could not. This from the man who one a stage in the Pyrenees just last year. Riding as a leader is totally different than riding support though. Still quite upsetting. So the lead group went from 18 to nine to five to three. And the end was made all the better because Landis had to win by 4:46 to take the jersey. He crossed the line third, earning him an eight second time bonus...and then waited. Dessel was rancing the clock and came in at 4:45...without the time bonus. So Landis - and American(!!!) takes the lead in the tour de France - so forget his hip problem, he's in it to win!

Stage Ten...

2006-07-12T14:16:00.000-04:00

Stage Ten:
1st: Juan Miguel Mercado - Spain - Agritubel - 4:49:10
2nd: Cyril Dessel - France - AG2R - 4:49:10
3rd: Inigo Landaluze - Spain - Euskatel - 4:50:06

Overall:
1st: Cyril Dessel - France - AG2R - 43:07:05
2nd: Juan Miguel Mercado - Spain - Agritubel - (+ 2:34)
3rd: Serhiy Honchar - Ukraine - T-Mobile - (+ 3:45)
Other notables:
5th: Floyd Landis - USA - Phonak - (+ 4:45)
9th: Andreas Kloden - Germany - T-Mobile (+ 5:35)
11th: Cadel Evans - Australia - Lotto - (+ 5:37)
12th:Dave Zabriskie - USA - CSC (+ 5:38)
15th: Paolo Savoldelli - Italy - Discovery (+ 5:55)
19th: George Hincapie - USA - Discovery (+ 6:15)
24rd: Yaroslav Popovich - Ukraine - Discovery (+ 7:12)
33th:Egoi Martinez - Spain - Discovery (+ 8:18)
58th: Levi Leipheimer - USA - Gerolsteiner (+ 10:28)
129th: Jens Voight - Germany - CSC (+ 32:18) *Pretty much out of contention

Yellow Jersey (Overall Leader): Cyril Dessel
Green Jersey(Top Points Earner): Robbie McEwen (Austrailia)
White Jersey(Best Young Rider): Marcuz Fothen (Germany)
Red Polka Dot Jersey (King of the Mountain): Juan Miguel Mercado*
Yellow Numbers (Best Team): AG2R
Red Number (Most Competitive): Juan Miguel Mercado
*Should be Dessel, but one jersey at a time, people

Mountains today. And tomorrow. Here's where the field gets turned upside down, and this year it has proved that there is no clear-cut leader of this tour. Again and again no-namers from teams that never dreamed of getting the yellow jersey are winning stages and taking the lead. Today T-Mobile almost willing conceded the malloit jaune to Dessel, allowing the leader of the breakaway, which started with 13 riders and split up further so that just two finished together, to be as far as 11:00 minutes ahead of the Peloton. Not a smart idea when you've got functional climbers ahead of you. Still, I guess they don't have the depth to defend the jersey when it's still fairly early in the race. The biggest mistake, in my opinion, came from Discovery which didn't put a man in the breakaway yet again. They also allowed way too many other teams to put their men out there while a few Discovery guys fell quite behind. Team Discovery is down to 8th in the team standings which is unheard of and really disappoints me. I thought that since Martinez and a few others were up towards the front of the Peleton today they might try something (anything) but nope. Leipheimer, who added to his deficit yesterday, acquiring a flat tire in the final stretches was at the front of the Peleton today in an attempt to gain back some time. Voight, who was in the original breakaway ended up losing more time in the end. He's pretty much out of it. Discovery had better hope that tomorrow the riders of today are exhausted and not ready for the five major climbs set for stage 11, the most difficult stage in the Pyrenees.

Stage Nine...

2006-07-11T23:01:00.000-04:00

Stage Nine:
1st: Oscar Freire - Spain - Rabobank - 3:35:24
2nd: Robbie McEwen - Australia - Lotto - 3:35:24
3rd: Erik Zabel - Germany - Milram - 3:35:24

Overall:
1st: Serhiy Honchar - Ukraine - T-Mobile - 38:14:17
2nd: Floyd Landis - USA - Phonak - (+ 1:00)
3rd: Michael Rogers - Austrailia - T-Mobile (+ 1:08)
Other notables:
5th:Andreas Kloden - Germany - T-Mobile (+ 1:50)
7th: Cadel Evans - Australia - Lotto - (+ 1:52)
8th:Dave Zabriskie - USA - CSC (+ 1:53)
11th: Paolo Savoldelli - Italy - Discovery (+ 2:10)
17th: George Hincapie - USA - Discovery (+ 2:30)
23rd: Yaroslav Popovich - Ukraine - Discovery (+ 2:37)
36th:Egoi Martinez - Spain - Discovery (+ 4:33)
72nd: Levi Leipheimer - USA - Gerolsteiner (+ 6:43)
114th: Jens Voight - Germany - CSC (+ 11:34)

Yellow Jersey (Overall Leader): Serhiy Honchar
Green Jersey(Top Points Earner): Robbie McEwen
White Jersey(Best Young Rider): Marcuz Fothen (Germany)
Red Polka Dot Jersey (King of the Mountain): Jerome Pineau (France)
Yellow Numbers (Best Team): T-Mobile
Red Number (Most Competitive): Christian Knees (Germany)

Big news yesterday on the break day. Floyd Landis, the one American who's actually primed to go and win this thing, dropped a major bomb on the cycling world. Apparently, due to a fall back in 2003, he has developed avascular necrosis in his right hip. Basically, bone cracked in the joint and prevented blood flow to the bone. The hip is, essentially, dead. The condition results in constant pain, which oddly enough in Landis's case is less severe when he is on a bike. The only option is surgery, which will likely occur within a month or to of the conclusion of the tour. No one has ever come back from such a surgery to race professionally again. Not that such odds mean anything to American cyclists. Greg Lemond, the first American to win the tour, did it again after being shot in a hunting accident. And then there was this guy Lance Armstrong - look into it on your own. So yeah, it's not affecting his riding, but that still sucks. On the brightside, he's having his best season ever. Only time will tell what comes next. With that hanging over the heads of the riders, stage nine began. It was the flatest stage of the tour, which makes the fact that tomorrow is a mountain stage even tougher. The breakaway did not survive, and it ended in the best sprint finish of the tour, Freire beating McEwen by a quarter of a wheel. McEwen was very gracious - he did get to keep the green jersey though. One crash on the day at the back of the Peloton, but all the riders involved got back up and finished with the group. The field remains at 170 riders, 6 having dropped (the ones mentioned and Fabio Sacchi who dropped with bronchitis before stage six). Tomorrow is where the sprinters' time at the top comes to an end. The treacherous Pyrenees loom ahead. Stage ten probably won't show many attacks, but stage eleven is going to be absolutely brutal. How exciting! Unfortunately, I don't quite know how I'm going to fit stages eleven through thirteen in with work and visitors and such...but it will be happening. No way I'm missing the best stages of this tour. So to all my guests, if I dissappear for two to four hours, don't worry - I'm just highly devoted. I love you all very much still. But tomorrow is my day off, which means there will be no issues in watching. Thank goodness =)

Stage Eight...

2006-07-09T22:37:00.000-04:00

Stage Eight:
1st: Sylvain Calzati - France - AG2R - 4:13:18
2nd: Kjell Carlstrom - Finland - Liquigas - 4:15:23
3rd: Patrice Halgand - France - Credit Agricole - 4:15:23

Overall:
1st: Serhiy Honchar - Ukraine - T-Mobile - 34:38:53
2nd: Floyd Landis - USA - Phonak - (+ 1:00)
3rd: Michael Rogers - Austrailia - T-Mobile (+ 1:08)
Other notables:
6th:Andreas Kloden - Germany - T-Mobile (+ 1:50)
8th: Cadel Evans - Australia - Lotto - (+ 1:52)
9th:Dave Zabriskie - USA - CSC (+ 1:53)
13th: Paolo Savoldelli - Italy - Discovery (+ 2:10)
17th: George Hincapie - USA - Discovery (+ 2:30)
23rd: Yaroslav Popovich - Ukraine - Discovery (+ 2:37)
36th:Egoi Martinez - Spain - Discovery (+ 4:33)
63nd: Levi Leipheimer - USA - Gerolsteiner (+ 6:17)
120th: Jens Voight - Germany - CSC (+ 11:21)

Yellow Jersey (Overall Leader): Serhiy Honchar
Green Jersey(Top Points Earner): Robbie McEwen
White Jersey(Best Young Rider): Marcuz Fothen (Germany)
Red Polka Dot Jersey (King of the Mountain): Jerome Pineau (France)
Yellow Numbers (Best Team): T-Mobile
Red Number (Most Competitive): Sylvian Calzati

As you can see very little has changed from yesterday, causing me to remain in a fairly stormy mood over my beloved tour. Blah Blah flat stage blah sprinters blah breakaway that was successful. Wait, what? You read that right. Today there was finally a semi-successful breakaway that start out with 6 riders. Three survived to take the top spots in the stage, though Calzati finished 2 minutes before the others. I had a little glimmer of hope when Zabriskie was part of the original six, but he didn't stick with it. Story of my life. So there was no big exciting finish today, what with the race being pretty much decided at 5 miles out. There was a bit of a sprint for fourth with Boonen leading out, but as usual McKewn popped in for the win. Boonen has been frustrating me. He sits up so soon when someone starts to get ahead of him. He gives up. Not much from the world champion who's one 17 races so far this year. But the motto of this tour has become expect the unexpected. Discovery was silent today. T-Mobile kept things under perfect control. ::Sigh:: What's happening here at the end of the first week? Rest day tomorrow, then back to work Tuesday, with the first mountian stage on Wednesday. Maybe, maybe...

Stage Seven...

2006-07-08T14:10:00.000-04:00

Stage Seven:
1st: Serhiy Honchar - Ukraine - T-Mobile - 1:01:43
2nd: Floyd Landis - USA - Phonak - 1:02:44
3rd: Sebastian Lang - Germany - Gerosteiner - 1:02:47

Overall:
1st: Serhiy Honchar - Ukraine - T-Mobile - 30:23:20
2nd: Floyd Landis - USA - Phonak - (+ 1:00)
3rd: Michael Rogers - Austrailia - T-Mobile (+ 1:08)
Other notables:
6th:Andreas Kloden - Germany - T-Mobile (+ 1:50)
8th: Cadel Evans - Australia - Lotto - (+ 1:52)
10th:Dave Zabriskie - USA - CSC (+ 2:03)
13th: Paolo Savoldelli - Italy - Discovery (+ 2:10)
17th: George Hincapie - USA - Discovery (+ 2:30)
23rd: Yaroslav Popovich - Ukraine - Discovery (+ 2:37)
36th:Egoi Martinez - Spain - Discovery (+ 4:33)
62nd: Levi Leipheimer - USA - Gerolsteiner (+ 6:17)
120th: Jens Voight - Germany - CSC (+ 11:23)

Yellow Jersey (Overall Leader): Serhiy Honchar
Green Jersey(Top Points Earner): Robbie McEwen
White Jersey(Best Young Rider): Marcuz Fothen (Germany)
Red Polka Dot Jersey (King of the Mountain): Jerome Pineau (France)
Yellow Numbers (Best Team): T-Mobile
Red Number (Most Competitive): N/A

Lost to Injury: Bobby Julich - USA - CSC (Broken Wrist)

GRRR. I seriously almost didn't update today, I was so furious - absolutely LIVID - about how the ITT went. What the hell, America? Discovery? Just about all of the people that should have done fantastic today and set themselves apart for the next two weeks were horrible. WHO THE HELL IS HONCHAR? Leipheimer quite possibly had the worst time trial of his career. Zabriskie is the most aerodynamic man in cycling and he only pulled a 10th place finish? He holds the record for fast ever average speed in a time trial. EVER. ARRRGH. And DO NOT get me started on Team Discovery today. WTF (mate)? WTF? They are down to FIFTH in the team standings - they've been in first since day one. I can't even fathom what happened there. All of them. Except maybe Martinez who started to climb back up. But seriously - Hincapie, what are you trying to do to me here? Fourth to seventeenth? In a time trial? For shame - Amstrong would kill him. Rawrawrawr. The only guy who seemed to have his act together was Landis. And I will give him a lot of credit. The officials made him lower his hands on the bars at the start of the race, which caused them to crack so he had to change bikes in the middle of the stage. Even for all of his bad luck with time trials this year (like being eight seconds late to start the prologue because of a malfunction) he STILL managed second. So no excuses for these other guys. Ooooo they had better work their asses off in the Pyrenees or so help me God I will...get really angry. And to add to this distaster of a stage Bobby Julich is out. He took one of the most horrible falls I have seen since I started watching. He lost all traction and bam...landed hard on a curb. Ouch, seriously. So he's out, in an almost identical situation to the only other time he had to pull out of a tour in 1999 when he crashed in a Stage Eight ITT. Poor Bobby Julich. Here's an idea - hey other American riders - step it up so he's not out of it for nothing.

Roar.

Stage Six...

2006-07-08T00:38:00.000-04:00

Stage Six:
1st: Robbie McKewn - Australia - Lotto - 4:10:17
2nd: Daniele Bennati - Italy - Lampre-Fondital - 4:10:17
3rd: Tom Boonen - Belgium - Quickstep - 4:10:17

Overall:
1st: Tom Boonen - Belgium - Quickstep - 29:21:00
2nd: Robbie McKewn - Australia - Lotto - (+ :12)
3rd: Michael Rogers - Austrailia - T-Mobile (+ :13)
Other notables:
5th: George Hincapie - USA - Discovery (+ :25)
7th:Paolo Savoldelli - Italy - Discovery (+ :35)
8th: Floyd Landis - USA - Phonak (+ :36)
12th: Cadel Evans - Australia - Lotto - (+ :40)
17th:Dave Zabriskie - USA - CSC (+ :43)
18th: Andreas Kloden - Germany - T-Mobile (+ :44)
21st: Bobby Julich - USA - CSC (+ :45)
23rd: Yaroslav Popovich - Ukraine - Discovery (+ :47)
25th: Levi Leipheimer - USA - Gerolsteiner (+ :48)
89th:Egoi Martinez - Spain - Discovery (+ 1:57)
90th: Jens Voight - Germany - CSC (+ 1:59)

Yellow Jersey (Overall Leader): Tom Boonen
Green Jersey(Top Points Earner): Robbie McEwen
White Jersey(Best Young Rider): Benoit Vaugrenard (France)
Red Polka Dot Jersey (King of the Mountain): Jerome Pineau (France)
Yellow Numbers (Best Team): Discovery
Red Number (Most Competitive): Anthony Geslin (France)

Just when you thought I missed a stage...ha. Caught up on Stage Six while babysitting tonight. It's all about making it work. Another sprint stage. I'm tired of saying that. This is such a rare occurence to have so many flat stages in the tour. There are 12 this year. TWELVE. No offense, but ugh. The finishes are great but the rest either drags or is really dangerous. Give me the team time trial any day...which they don't have this year. Damnit. Lance and I are pissed. But yeah, typical stage today. One climb, no crashes. Lots of flat land, another long breakaway. You've heard this all before. The ending was super-organized today, though, which was nice. Still, alot of good Quickstep and Lampre-Fondital leading out did, because as usual, McKewn came out of no where to win it. Seriously, in the last 500 km, he was still 20-25 riders back. But after yesterday's mistaken early lead-out, it wasn't about to hapen again today. It could not have been more perfectly timed. Lotto team really sat back all day, biding its time. Beautifully executed. Most of the teams were quiet today, because the big deal is tomorrow: a long individual time trial. Here is where the big players will set themselves a part. The yellow jersey will most likely be taken from the sprinters...and quite possibly placed in an Americans hands. The USA has major depth. I love it. Bed for now though - can't miss my favorite stage tomorrow!!

Stage Five...

2006-07-06T19:56:00.000-04:00

Stage Five:
1st: Oscar Freire - Spain - Rabobank - 5:18:50
2nd: Tom Boonen - Belgium - Quickstep - 5:18:50
3rd: Inaki Isasi - Spain - Euskeltel - 5:18:50

Overall:
1st: Tom Boonen - Belgium - Quickstep - 25:10:51
2nd: Michael Rogers - Austrailia - T-Mobile (+ :13)
3rd: Oscar Freire - Spain - Rabobank - (+ :17)
Other notables:
4th: George Hincapie - USA - Discovery (+ :17)
7th:Paolo Savoldelli - Italy - Discovery (+ :27)
8th: Floyd Landis - USA - Phonak (+ :28)
12th: Cadel Evans - Australia - Lotto - (+ :32)
16th:Dave Zabriskie - USA - CSC (+ :35)
17th: Andreas Kloden - Germany - T-Mobile (+ :36)
20st: Bobby Julich - USA - CSC (+ :37)
22rd: Yaroslav Popovich - Ukraine - Discovery (+ :39)
25th: Levi Leipheimer - USA - Gerolsteiner (+ :40)
88th:Egoi Martinez - Spain - Discovery (+ 1:39)
93th: Jens Voight - Germany - CSC (+ 1:51)

Yellow Jersey (Overall Leader): Tom Boonen
Green Jersey(Top Points Earner): Robbie McEwen
White Jersey(Best Young Rider): Marcus Fothen (Germany)
Red Polka Dot Jersey (King of the Mountain): Jerome Pineau (France)
Yellow Numbers (Best Team): Discovery
Red Number (Most Competitive): Samuel Dumoulin (France)

The sprinters are having a rough time this year, I must say. Today's stage was the closest they've come to an organized sprint thus far, but they almost let a 195 km, two-man breakaway spoil it for all of them. The timing is just off for everyone, it seems. Everyone but Freire. His finish was perfect as he accelerated from the back to the opposite side of the field to steal the win from Boonen. McEwen broke too early into the headwind and therefore couldn't score higher than 5th. he holds the lead in the points competition by one over Boonen, who remains in the yellow jersey and increased his lead with the second place time bonus. Discovery scared me today, when yesterday's best competitor, Martinez took a spill. He almost didn't get back up, but did manage to finish out the race 1:17 behind the lead, losing him his 5th place overall standing. Zabriskie was also caught up in a crash, but it was within the 3 km mark, so he took the same time as the leaders. Personally, I am desparate for a time trial. I need a little separation here. These tightly packed stages make me so nervous. Being so involved with this thing is not good for my heart.

In other news, today marks one year. One year since my hardcore addiction to the tour for reasons most of you can probably figure out. In the words of Lance - Live strong...

Stage Four...

2006-07-05T11:46:00.000-04:00

Stage Four:
1st: Robbie McEwen - Australia - Lotto - 4:59:50
2nd: Issac Galvez - Spain - Caisse d'Epargne - 4:59:50
3rd: Oscar Freire - Spain - Rabobank - 4:59:50

Overall:
1st: Tom Boonen - Belgium - Quickstep - 19:52:13
2nd: Michael Rogers - Austrailia - T-Mobile (+:01)
3rd: George Hincapie - USA - Discovery (+ :05)
Other notables:
*5th: Egoi Martinez - Spain - Discovery (+ :10)
7th:Paolo Savoldelli - Italy - Discovery (+ :15)
9th: Floyd Landis - USA - Phonak (+ :16)
*13th: Cadel Evans - Australia - Lotto - (+ :20)
17th:Dave Zabriskie - USA - CSC (+ :23)
18th: Andreas Kloden - Germany - T-Mobile (+ :24)
22st: Bobby Julich - USA - CSC (+ :25)
24rd: Yaroslav Popovich - Ukraine - Discovery (+ :27)
27th: Levi Leipheimer - USA - Gerolsteiner (+ :28)
98th: Jens Voight - Germany - CSC (+ 1:39)

Yellow Jersey (Overall Leader): Tom Boonen
Green Jersey(Top Points Earner): Robbie McEwen
White Jersey(Best Young Rider): Marcus Fothen (Germany)
Red Polka Dot Jersey (King of the Mountain): Jerome Pineau (France)
Yellow Numbers (Best Team): Discovery
Red Number (Most Competitive): Egoi Martinez (Spain)

As for as the Tour goes today was rather uneventful. Maybe that's because I was kind of tired and kept dosing off, but I don't know. The field was down to 172 racers, three riding injured, including USA rider Christopher Horner with a dislocated finger and sprinter Stuart O'Grady with a cracked veretebrae. Unfortunately for O'Grady, today was another sprinter's stage. This one, unlike yesterday played out like one. It was an uphill finish, perfect for McEwen. He won this one by several feet. Boonen seemed to give up early into the sprint. He just can't quite get his timing right to take a stage so far this year. Regardless, he kept the yellow jersey. No major crashes today, which is good. One guy went down right at the end, but no one else got caught up, and several Spanish riders got into an accident coming around a tight turn but no one was hurt there. The * today are people that I forgot, once again would be major contenders, particularly Cadel Evans. He hasn't done anything remarkable thus far, but he isn't a sprinter, either. As for Martinez, he's another Discovery guy. In addition to my being quite particular to Team Discovery Channel, he's part of team manager Johan Bruyneel's apparent new plan. With no more Lance as a clear cut leader, he's using a tactic formerly employed by the Russian team, where individual team members 'leapfrog' as a way of keeping people guessing who the actual leader is. Expect different Discovery members to be parts of breakaways all week creating a powerhouse team. There are 4 Discovery racers in the top 25 right now and all can be expected to continue to perform well in the mountains. Tomorrow is yet another day for sprinters...I want mountains and time trials, dammit. Then the real race contenders will start to sorty themselves out. Unfortunately, tomorrow is back to work for me and play practice and Pirates at night, so catching the stage will be tough. Have no fear, though - I'll find a way

Stage Three...

2006-07-04T12:40:00.000-04:00

Stage Three:
1st: Mattias Kessler - Germany - T-Mobile - 4:57:54
2nd: Michael Rogers - Austrailia - T-Mobile - 4:57:59
3rd: Daniele Bennati - Italy - Lampre-Fondital - 4:57:59

Overall:
1st: Tom Boonen - Belgium - Quickstep - 14:52:23
2nd: Michael Rogers - Austrailia - T-Mobile (+:01)
3rd: George Hincapie - USA - Discovery (+ :05)
Other notables:
5th: Paolo Savoldelli - Italy - Discovery (+ :15)
7th: Floyd Landis - USA - Phonak (+ :16)
15th:Dave Zabriskie - USA - CSC (+ :23)
16th: Andreas Kloden - Germany - T-Mobile (+ :24)
19st: Bobby Julich - USA - CSC (+ :25)
21rd: Yaroslav Popovich - Ukraine - Discovery (+ :27)
25th: Levi Leipheimer - USA - Gerolsteiner (+ :28)
138th: Jens Voight - Germany - CSC (+ 1:39)

Yellow Jersey (Overall Leader): Tom Boonen (Belgium)
Green Jersey(Top Points Earner): *Daniele Bennati (Italy)
White Jersey(Best Young Rider): Marcus Fothen (Germany)
Red Polka Dot Jersey (King of the Mountain): Jerome Pineau (France)
Yellow Numbers (Best Team): Discovery
Red Jersey (Most Competitive): Jose Luis Arrieta (Spain)
*Should be Boonen, but two jerseys can't be worn at once

Retirements -
Alejandro Valverde - Spain (borken collarbone in crash), Erik Dekker - Netherlands (broken collarbone in crash), Fred Rodriegez - USA (crash)

Rough, rough day today. It was expected to be a sprinters day today despite the many hills, but such was not the case. Two hard crashes at slow speeds ended the tour for sprinter Dekker, and for expected potential race winner Valverde. Valverde had managed to beat Armstrong in the mountains last year, and was expected to be a real contender this year. As for the end results of the stage, a short but steep hill right at the end prevented most of the sprinters from getting into position. Kessler, who broke too soon yesterday, timed things properly today, finishing about 15 feet ahead of the pack. Boonen was the only sprinter to finish at the front, coming in fourth and desparate to where the yellow jersey when the race starts in his home of Belgium tomorrow. He managed to still get the yellow jersey as a result of the main pack spliting at the end, resulting in tdifferent times for finishers. That group included Thor Hushovd, who lost the malliot jaune and fell to fourth overall. My current favorite, Mr. Hincapie, managed to stay towards the front of the peleton with several Discovery riders (though they really weren't mentioned much today), and finished in the first group moving up to just five seconds off the lead in 3rd place overall. Jens Voight who was part of a long breakaway tired himself out and fell back, losing over a minute to the leader. Floyd Landis quietly and steadly climbs up in the standings and several other of the top riders jumped up 10 places or more today, following hills and crashes. The field is beginning to spread out as a flat stage starting in Belgium before heading back to France to stay is set for tomorrow.

Happy Fourth of July!

Stage Two...

2006-07-03T12:09:00.000-04:00

Stage Two:
1st: Robbie McEwen - Australia - Lotto - 5:36:14
2nd: Tom Boonen - Belgium - Quickstep - 5:36:14
3rd: Thor Hushovd - Norway - Credit Agricole - 5:36:14

Overall:
1st: Thor Hushovd - Norway - Credit Agricole - 9:54:19
2nd: Tom Boonen - Belgium - Quickstep (+ :05)
3rd: Robbie McEwen - Australia - Lotto (+ :08)
Other notables:
4th: George Hincapie - USA - Discovery (+ :10)
5th: Dave Zabriskie - USA - CSC (+ :16)
*7th: Alejandro Valverde - Spain (+ :16)
*10th: Paolo Savoldelli - Italy (+ :20)
11th: Floyd Landis - USA - Phonak (+ :21)
25th: Andreas Kloden - Germany - T-Mobile (+ :29)
29st: Bobby Julich - USA - CSC (+ :30)
31rd: Yaroslav Popovich - Ukraine - Discovery (+ :32)
35th: Levi Leipheimer - USA - Gerolsteiner (+ :33)
47th: Jens Voight - Germany - CSC (+ :36)

Yellow Jersey (Overall Leader): Thor Hushovd (Norway)
Green Jersey(Top Point Earned): Robbie McEwen (Australia)
White Jersey(Best Young Rider): Benoit Vaugrenard (France)
Red Polka Dot Jersey (King of the Mountain): David de la Fuente(Spain)
Yellow Numbers (Best Team): Discovery
Red Number (Most Competative): David de la Fuente(Spain)

This was the second longest portion of the race and another day where the leaders changed a million times. It's so nerve wracking not having a clear cut winner. They said today was for sprinters, but there were several hills on the course, which made it difficult, including some at the end. Two guys were out in front for about 200 km - both from Spain and new the the race. They almost spoiled it for the sprinters, often taking the top points in the intermediate sprints, and one took the lead in the king of the mountains race. However, the peloton caught up with them eventually. Then this guy from T-Mobile jumped to the front within the the last 5K and he seriously almost had it until his legs locked up on him at the end. Then the sprinters came forward and finished it off. I swear, McKewn comes out of no where every time. You couldn't even see him til the last 150 meters. Ridiculous. Hushovd picked up third and a time bonus, but he had already gotten the yellow jersey back when he crossed one of the intermediate sprints in the third. Damn. I'm kind of getting hooked on Hincapie. I'm not really worried about the guys ahead of him right now in the overall standings - they're sprinters and won't be a threat in the mountains. However, the two guys with * were some I'd forgotten about and are good all around. At least Salvoldelli is on Discovery, too. No big crashes today, though there as a minor one within the last 3K, which slowed Landis down. One rider was lost to a fever, so the group is down to 175.

Oooobsessed =)

Stage One...

2006-07-02T13:48:00.000-04:00

Get used to this kids...the race isn't over til the 23rd.

Stage One:
1st: Jimmy Casper - France - Cofidis Credit - 4:10:00
2nd: Robbie McEwen - Australia - Lotto - 4:10:00
3rd: Erik Zabel - Germany - Milram - 4:10:00

Overall:
1st: George Hincapie - USA - Discovery - 4:18:15
2nd: Thor Hushovd - Norway - Credit Agricole - 4:18:17
3rd: Dave Zabriskie - USA - CSC - 4:18:21
Other notables:
9th: Floyd Landis - USA - Phonak - 4:18:26
26th: Andreas Kloden - Germany - T-Mobile - 4:18:34
31st: Bobby Julich - USA - CSC - 4:18:35
33rd: Yaroslav Popovich - Ukraine - Discovery - 4:18:37
38th: Levi Leipheimer - USA - Gerolsteiner - 4:18:38
50th: Jens Voight - Germany - CSC - 4:18:41

Yellow Jersey (Overall Leader): George Hincapie (USA)
Green Jersey(Top Point Earned - Sprinting): Jimmy Casper (France)
White Jersey(Best Young Rider): Benoit Vaugrenard (France)
Red Polka Dot Jersey (King of the Mountain): Fabian Wegmann (Germany)
Yellow Numbers (Best Team): Discovery
Red Number (Most competitive): Walter Beneteau (France)

So today was a sprinter's race. Flat course for the most part - one small hill allowing for King of the Mountain points. HIncapie made an absolutely brilliant move by sprinting up to third at one of the intermediate markers and earning a two second time bonus. Those two seconds put him in the overall lead. Awesome. The finish in sprints always scares me. The riders are going at about 40-45 mph and they are so close together. One goes down and 10 easily follow. Today, there was no real clear cut leader even up til the last couple seconds. No teams were really getting into formation to pull for their sprinting specialists. Strange. Tom Boonen and Robbie McEwen had a huuuuge rivalry last year. Boonen is the current world champion, but he kind of gave up in the last few meters. McEwen came out of nowhere to take second. And a little French guy they hadn't mentioned all day beat out both of them and Stuart O'Grady and Prologue winner Hushovd. Hushovd, in the last kilometer coming up to the line apparently hit his arm on a spectator waving something in the track and was really hurt, even though he managed to cross the lined. The fans get so close, it's a wonder more people don't get hurt this way. When most people come up with an image of the Tour, its the one of Lance Armstrong getting caught on a spectators bag and going down hard in 2004.

I get so worried about my boys.

Up early tomorrow for stage two =) Yes, I know - this is gross...but Liz gets it.

"Haven't you people ever heard of closing the goddamn door..."

2006-07-01T18:45:00.000-04:00

Panic!...plays tonight at the pier. I want to go, but know is really around for me to go with. I should be brave and do it alone. But I'm not brave.

Long, long time since I've had an update of substance. Settle in for a novel, kids. Much has happened. Everytime I think about sitting down to write, I stop myself saying, 'just cover it all after [insert big event here]'. Lately, however, the big events have been coming one after another. Kida cool when you think about it, but not so conducive to writing.

Since we last met, work has been highly eventful. Friday the 23rd held the filming of Jo Anna and my horror movie trailer spoof Ditmore which can be viewed here. It's really not bad when you look at it, considering this was done in about two days, and on the clock. My job kicks your job's ass. Still not convinced? This Friday we had free breakfast for our boss's birthday and free lunch for one of the counselor's baby shower, which also meant an afternoon sans work. Add to that the rest of Friday was spent playing with an abandoned puppy one of the ladies found on the way in to the office and you should be sending in your applications now.

Last weekend was a mini-Basil's reunion. Stacey came up from Maryland for the weekend and Britni and Mel came down from North Jersey. We played catch up and went out to dinner. We watched American Beauty when the weather prevented us from going mini-golfing. Weird, but wonderful movie. I really do love the artsy-type movies. It makes me feel all mature and stuff for legitimately liking them. And admitting that immediately negates the maturity I might have just acheived.

Stacey and I went to a graduation party before she headed home on Sunday. It was so good to see her again. It's weird living with a person and seeing them the minute you wake up and the minute you go to sleep for 8 months and then not having them around at all anymore. I really didn't like it. But less than two months til we're back in business (wow). After she headed home, I went off to Matt Becker's (my costar in Cross' Footloose) graduation party. Here, I totally integrated myself into the Becker family. Seriously, I was the long lost cousin. I played with the toddlers and sang Karaoke and yeah. It was sooo much fun even though I was the only friend there for most of the party. Haha - I love the Beckers.

Monday, Monday, Monday! Possibly the best day of the summer thus far (I say that a lot). I had my first big girl party. A large group of Masque kiddies from Jersey, New York, and PA came over to swim. Yeah it rained all day and was only about 65 degrees - your point? We seriously had a blast. I know I always hosted pretty enjoyable parties in grade school and high school, but I was nervous about this one. I don't know why. The success of the party really has nothing to do with me - it's all about the guests. And of course the theater kids are going to be awesome. The night consisted of chicken fights (almost deadly), instructional diving, and tons of good conversation. In fact, the evening was such a success that I will be hosting another on July 14th beginning at 7 PM. A lot of the Golden Girls SHOULD be in town for our little reunion, and they were a bit jealous to have missed the first. So I figured it was a good time for a second. If you missed your invite, let me know - all are welcome, I just need a count.

In the Masque vein, Chris and I decided it would be a wonderful idea to go and surprise Angela at work being as she disappeared for awhile. So we loaded into my car with our directions and 162 showtunes and headed for Washington Township in search of the Dairy Queen. Got to Washington Township in about a half an hour. And then proceeded to hunt for said Dairy Queen. For three hours. Madness ensued, but the overall experience was soooo much fun. Lots of singing and hysterical laughing at the absurdity of our situation. We did finally find it and surprise Ange, and then got home in about a sixth of the time it took us to find the place. Ange returned the favor by coming up to see me last night where we also played catch-up and watched The Family Stone. Great movie. A bit unrealistic, but good. And please, someone, if I am ever as neurotic as Sarah Jessica Parker in that movie, please please PLEASE get me help. I wanted to punch her. Next weekend Chris, Ange, and I are going out again. I love my little Masque family. So there.

Continuing in the theater discussion, play practice has been going along smoothly. It's all been seated readings thus far, which are helpful, yes, but I'm dying to start blocking. I need to move - to stretch. It's so obvious during rehearsals too; I'm fidgity in my chair...I just need to interact and make faces and gestures. Which I tend to do anyway, but it's kinda weird during seated readings. But you all know this. The only peopel reading this are theater kids anyway. August is rapidly approaching and I really should start to get off book...should. I will - eventually.

Lastly, I did get to see Felicia the other day. We went to the diner after my rehearsal because we needed to discuss the fact that Josh Groban is once again single. We needed to plan our attack. So we just talked over coffee and Sprite. We seriously bonded with our waiter, who decided Feesh was a pothead and they should smoke together. Wonderful. We then stood outside in the lightening storm saying how much we'd missed each other, parting only when our lives were seriously in danger.

So yes, the only guy I am interested in finding right now is Josh Groban. As for as attainab;e guys go, I'm done. Just done. After getting stood up earlier in the month it dawned on me that I just don't care enough to get my hopes up when it comes to guys anymore. What a shame. It's not worth it. If anyone wants to take the time to pursue me for a change, I'll be the one who's totally uninterested and oblivious to your attempts at a relationship, as I am done. And that's fine. I'm too busy for boys and to easily upset for them too. And I don't like girls, so don't suggest. I'm happy alone. And for that reason, I'm done.

That's a lie. I have fallen in love with a boy. Actually, more than one. 176 to be exact. The Tour de France started today. Even I don't totally understand my obsession with this race. It began two years ago when I caught part of it down the shore with Jenna. And last year, Lance and Team Discovery got me through the worst month of my life. I seriously did not miss a day. Everything around me was falling a part, but I knew that I could depend on the Tour to go exactly to plan. Kind of sad, but it gave me hope and consistancy. And I've kind of become an officiando. I understand it, I know more people than just Lance, the teams, who to watch, etc. It's really not just a bandwagon thing. Today was the prologue. Individual time trial. There was a huge doping scandal yesterday which caused 13 riders to be barred from the race including the two front runners Ulrich and Basso. I say watch Dave Zabriskie, Yuroslav Popovich, George Hincapie, Bobby Julich, and Floyd Landis. Maybe Levi Leipheimer and Jens Voight. My early predictions. I could be way off, but I like these guys. I'm still pulling for Team Discovery, but Zabriskie has a place in my heart after last year. Alright, you guys reaaally don't care about this and I don't blame you, but the Tour has a special place in my heart. I owe it the next 22 days of my life.

Prologue Winner & Yellow Jersey: Thor Hushovd - Norway - Credit Agricole - 8:17
2nd George Hincapie - America - Discovery - 8:17
3rd Dave Zabriskie - America - CSC - 8:21

Viva le Tour!

"You're it..."

2006-06-25T22:45:00.000-04:00

i've been hit...

current top six in no particular order and subject to change by tomorrow:
1.Vienna - The Fray
2.Heroine - Something Corporate (the slow pretty version of Punk Rock Princess)
3. She's Got a Way - Billy Joel
4. Feels Like Rain - Motion City Soundtrack
5. Someone to Fall Back On - Jason Robert Brown
6. Am I Wrong? - Brand New

Tagging...
Kate
Liz
Doug
Mark
Creed
Feesh (should either of the last two read this)

still promising that really entry soon

"Make new friends, but keep the old..."

2006-06-21T13:57:00.000-04:00

That song is fitting in so many ways for me right now.

Last night I partook in something that I thought would never happen again. Ever. At around 10 PM last night, the three girls that I was attached to through eighth grade and I went out to a diner together. We hadn't had time with just the four of us really since seventh grade when we added two new people to our little clique, and hadn't all been together at all since the summer before our sophomore year when we went to London with our girl scout troop (Reason #1 why the title fits). That's four years. I went to high school with Collette and Kristen, while Jenna went to public school. J was my best, and Kristen and Collette had each other, save for a small blip freshman year. I was the only one who really talked to everybody, and even that was rarely. So when Kris IM's me out of the blue one day to ask if I'd read a book in a series we were both into, I was a little surprised - but compelled to get together.

You see, these girls were my life from 5th through 8th grade. We had things in common. of course. All ridiculously involved, smart, cute (well, they were...I was in my awkward stage), and such. But God we were so different, too. Collette was the athlete, an amazing soccer player from the outset and the most outgoing of the group. Then there was Kristen, Collette's best friend, the quietest of the group, but with the best taste in just about everything. Jenna was the politician, the go-getter, and the singer. And then there was me - the smart one of the smart ones, the good girl of the good girls, and the actor. And we were always together - our talent show numbers stopped everything. We found out later we sent girls crying to the guidance counselor because they wanted to be part of "The Six" (the four previously mentioned, and then our other two bests Sarah, the feisty one and the one who definitely had to deal with the most shit, and Candace, our little rebel). We had no idea. It's not that we meant to be so exclusive, we were just best friends. And never were we outright mean, maybe just a little too into our own little inside jokes to notice if people were trying to be with us. Besides, you needed to approach us in pairs so as not to offset the balance, of course. But before there were six, there were four. And we were so close - interchangeable for the most part on our little play dates. I remember afternoons at Kris's using yarn in her room to play Entrapment and pretending to avoid tripping alarm systems, picnic's in her back yard with American girls, and dancing to Titanic in her den. I remember sleepovers in Collette's RV...in her garage, her huge closets in her beautiful house, and the fact that she was always the one who swore she would stay up latest but the first to pass out. There was going to the beach with Jen (a tradition that still holds with the two of us), hanging out in her basement, and her bowling birthdays. And there was my house, the pool, the parents always willing to give rides and provide food. We spent all our time together. We took over student council in 8th grade, we had an amazing dance routine for the talent show - and then we had drama.

We were the group that could hangout with any of the guys, which was cool but inevitably caused trouble. J and Let liked the same guy, who was Let;'s boyfriend. Things other than that got competitive for the first time. And by the time we graduated, we were not really as close as we should have been. I remember being devastated. I never did do change. And everything was falling down around me. My best friends didn't talk anymore, but I talked to all of them. I would cry - "why can't we just stay best friends?" - and they couldn't understand why I wouldn't let go. Eventually I did, and have since perfected the art of cutting people off when they hurt me. It's my defense - and I'm damn good at it. So high school happened. Let, Kris, and I had the occasional class together, and we were friendly, but never hung out outside of school. J and I stayed close, but barely ever saw each other, what with both our ridiculous schedules. She didn't talk to the other two. Effectively, our friendship was dissolved.

And yet, something stuck. As we grow up, we are more mature about things. For example, if someone is in a fight with one of our friends, we don't necessarily freak out and stop talking to that person. You acknowledge, the situation, yes, but in most cases, you realize that it is not your fight, and you continue to carry on with that person, and the said friend is okay with that. That's how it with my high school and college friends anyway. But to this day, let anyone say anything about my grade school girls and I am down their throat, screaming "You don't know them! Shut up because you don't know." It doesn't matter that I haven't seen them or talked to them in months or years, I will always defend them, almost irrationally. And last night I came to find out I wasn't alone.

We met at the diner, showing up in two cars, though it wasn't planned that each set of bests would show up together, it's just how things happened. I laughed as they walked up, because we were each dressed differently in ways that just projected our personalities. Collette was in a sport tank top, Kris was model-esque with out even trying, Jen was all business in a dressy top and skirt, having come from a town meeting, and I was in chucks, and cargo khakis with a black top, looking exceptionally artsy for some reason, having just come from play practice. From that second on, I knew it was going to be fine, because somethings never change. We sat down and began with catching each other up on college stories. They were proud of Jen for her...maturation?...at school, and not disappointed, but sighed at my lack of progress - yet pleased with my consistency. Story of my life. We talked til 11 when the one diner in Jersey that closes was closing, then went back to J's where we talked until 2:30 in the morning about past present and future. It was beautiful. It was like we had never skipped a beat. I knew that's how it always was between Jenna and I, but it didn't occur to me that his was how it would be with all of us, too. It was so relaxed. Amazing to see how some of our experiences paralleled each other. Finally, we headed home, and with a fitting end to the night Let couldn't find her keys for awhile. So wonderfully typical. We swore we would do this again very soon.

And I hope to God we do. I've missed my forever friends.

"I can't believe I went out with a kleptomaniac..."

2006-06-20T08:50:00.000-04:00

Ah, good song in honor of my stealing things again from Sara Allen...I can't help it. Nothing to do at work already and its only quater of 9? Yup, it was necessary. So with out further ado - the Name Game.

1. YOUR ROCK STAR NAME: Joyce South Arthur
(middle name and current street name)

2. YOUR MOVIE STAR NAME: Patricia Hersheysbarwithalmonds (emphasis on the 'bar')
(grandfather/grandmother on your dad's side, your favorite candy)

3. YOUR "FLY GIRL/GUY" NAME: P-Woo (Hollerrrrr)
(first initial of first name, first two or three letters of your last name)

4. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: "Pygmy" Marmoset Green
(favorite animal, favorite color)

5. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: Joyce Willingboro
(middle name, city where you were born)

6. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: Woolorcha (<~~ my Star Wars name kicks your Star Wars
name's ass)
(first 3 letters of your last name, last 3 letters of mother's maiden name, first 3 letters of your pet's name)

7. JEDI NAME: EcyojRediehcsrol (...pronounced?)
(middle name spelled backwards, your mom's maiden name spelled backwards)

8. PORN STAR NAME: Shelby South Arthur(...oww oww)
(first pet, street you grew up on)

9. SUPERHERO NAME: The Green Durango (I feel like I should be in a western...)
("The", your favorite color, the automobile your parents drive)

and 5 minutes later I'm back with nothing to do...perhaps a real entry later.

"I am not anyone's wildest dreams but...I'll be someone to fall back on..."

2006-06-13T20:14:00.000-04:00

If you have not heard anything by Jason Robert Brown - change this immediately. I'll get back to this topic soon, but I just had to get that out there.

So life is carrying along pretty nicely currently. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a streak! Sweet. Actually, I didn't think much had happened between my last entry and this one, but in reflecting - and filling in my calendar - I have found that I was mistaken. Let's recap, shall we? Wednesday, J and I went out for a bit of a celebratory lunch in honor of The Matchmaker announcement. TGIFriday's all around. That evening, the two of us and her dad and sister went to go see The Omen. Meh. It was alright. It didn't scare me all that much, which is saying a lot, being as I frighten easily. Julia Stiles was a bad choice. Mia Farrow was a good choice. See it, don't see it - you'll be fine either way. Next big day was Friday. I watched the clouds all day, praying and wishing and bartering with God that it would stay sunny out. Naturally, it was a beautiful day until 4:00 when a freaking tornado thing rolled in. It was pouring and lightening and wind-ing and yeah. Why was it imperative that the weather be nice and a disaster when it wasn't? My babies were graduating from Holy Cross. And I'd be damned before I missed it. If it was nice and outside, it wouldn't be an issue. Should it rain and be moved inside, however, SOMEONE wasn't going to have a very nice graduation party because MOM-MOM was gonna be found in the bathroom with a shoelace around her neck so that little Miss Woodward could get a ticket and see her lovies walk. So as it stormed, I got dressed up and planned how I was getting in. Several options came quickly to mind:

Plan A: Nanna Go Nahnies - see above
Plan B: Sing, My Angel of Music - get former music teacher, now friend Ray-Ray to let me sit in the pit with Music Ministry
Plan C: Lights - Sneek up to the spotlight room and watch from there
Plan D: Camera - Show up with my digital camera and handy-dandy La Salle ACE business card and say I was there to take pictures and write a piece on the 23 members of the class of 2006 that would be headed to La Salle in the fall.
Plan E: Action - Bring my old HC uniform and blend in with the student workers.

I was seriously going to try these things. I was personally quite fond of plans D and E. Fortunately, however, the clouds parted as I arrived at the school and parents were streaming out of the auditorium and headed to the football field. From there, Bill and I watched Chris, Niko, Matt Becker, and the others grow up. I was so proud. I'm such a mom - those were my kids out there. I wrote them all cards that hopefully started to express how much they meant to me. Sappy, sappy, sappy. Anyway, Saturday I woke up at - get this - 6 AM...and happily. I was helping at a walk for autism research. I can't begin to tell you how excited I was. Or why. It just was something I was really looking forward to. So a couple of us from the high school crew and then some college friends of Feesh and Joe all worked together, first being the tape crew, and then directing the walkers. They were all really nice, and I got two T-shirts and a big bag out of it. Loooove volunteering. Went to a graduation party and then almost, almost got to see Liz. That fell thorugh last minute though...damnit. So I went with J to see Matt Duke. Insert swoon here. Lord, he's amazing. He talked to us afterwards, and he and J seemed to hit it off. I was jealous, but hey - share the love. And then, as if I didn't have enough lovely music on Saturday, last night it was off to NYC to see Jason Robert Brown. I wasn't all that familiar with him to begin with. I knew he'd written music for The Last Five Years, Parade, and A Brave New World, but I'd never really heard any of it. So I went with Creed, her sister, and their friend Cherie to The Birdland Jazz Club, where, I have to say I felt sooo sophisticated really classy, with about 150 people at most. We had listened to a little JRB on the way up - stuff from his CD Someone Else's Clothes - so I was a little better aqauinted. But, God, what a performer. He plays piano and sings. There was so much energy and he was just so into it and aaah. Yeah, loved it. So check it out. He's also writing two new shows - 13 with the guy who directed Camp (who, coincidently, held the door for me last night), and Honeymoon in Vegas based on the Nicholas Cage/ Sarah Jessica Parker movie. He and a friend performed one of the songs from it and oh man - I would love to audition with it. We'll see. Anyway, it was amazing, and I have a new person to add to my favorite artists. And you should, too. Work today was the usual, aside from a trip to Dittmore (cue horror movie noises). My God, that place is terrifying. Jo Anna and I saw maaajor potential for at least a scary movie trailer to be filmed in there. I can't wait. Tomorrow holds my first Matchmaker rehearsal - I'm way excited.

My little music as life thing is on my xanga - fairly dead on - sooo scary. To close, a game:
5 Guilty Pleasures
1. Updating my planner...even after a day has passed - I need, need, need to write down what I did on that day. I guess in this vein, numbering the days of my relationships when I cross out what day it is. So obsessive, I know, but it's my OCD, leave me be.
2. Making sure my ears are clean - by far my favorite post-shower ritual. Q-Tips are a gift from God.
3. Sudoku - It's gotten to the point where I have to do one before I go to sleep at night.
4. Keeping my Buddy List alphabetized...and reading away messages - don't act like you don't do the same thing
5. Napping in the middle of the afternoon for unnecessarily long amounts of time - I know I won't sleep at night and I know I'm wasting a good portion of the day, but it's so niiiice.

Tag - you're it.

"I will dance so freely holding on to no one..."

2006-06-06T20:27:00.000-04:00

My heart feels squiggly inside...I don't know why.

So I've started to fall back in love with New Jersey. Scratch that - I've started to fall back in love with summer. Being around the girls again is doing me good. I missed them more than I would admit. Saw two of them last night near midnight - not low. Took it well for me...and they're beginning to get that. I like that we're reaching this point. Here's to middle ground. Work has been fantastic. Much to Schu's lament, we're bonding - she, Annie, and I are getting along really well, as are Mark, Rachel, and Diana. Since the bosses have been away and work came to a screeching halt - first due to lack of paperwork and today because of a downed server - we spent two days eating on the university dollar and watching Grey's Anatomy in the lobby. And as if I didn't get enough there, I've just finished watching the episodes from season two I didn't see - behold the power of the internet. I am way too emotionally attached to this show.

And in perhaps the biggest and most surprising news of the summer thus far, I'm in another show. I decided to audition, on a whim and a suggestion from Matt, my costar in Footloose ::shudder::. It was for the Intern Company's production of The Matchmaker - the straight show Hello, Dolly was based on. This company sounded really interesting...like the Masque but even more - you learn about all aspects of theater. Actors don't just get away with being actors - they're learning to design sets, finding out what goes into a performance before and during a show. It sounds like exactly what I'm looking for at this point. Of course I didn't know that going into it. I decided to audition the morning of, thinking what the hell? So I read through the suggested scenes once before getting asked to go to a baseball game with Jen, got back an hour before, cleaned up a little, typed up a quick resume, re-read, and headed out. I didn't go in thinking I stood any chance - I knew I was unprepared. Just how unprepared became clear very quickly. These kids - and I do mean kids, as the Intern Company is only open to 15-22 year olds - were amazing. I felt so out of my league, to be honest. They had head shots and credentials and what do I have? Last minute preparations. I wasn't expecting a thing though - at least I would get some experience auditioning for community theater. So I watched these 30 or so girls audition for six parts and I was floored. Absolutely fantastic, and I really do mean all but a couple. I didn't like how I read for my first character - Minnie Fay, but I didn't really like the scene all that much either. As I was waiting for my name to be called to do an on-the-spot with a scene, I started to get attached to a character which, as anyone who knows me will say, I hate doing - it only leads to trouble. Ermengarde. It's silly - there was just one line that I knew I could do from that scene different than the others were doing it...what's even more is it was just one word. "Where?". I knew I could make it work. So I was thrilled when I got assigned that scene. The thing was, I didn't feel like I'd done anything else with the part. Just that word. And it had the effect I'd thought it would. Just a little giggle and murmur from the other people. But an audition doesn't turn on one word...right? Wrong, apparently. And apparently I underestimated the audition. I got a call today from the director asking if I would accept the part of Ermengarde. I asked him if I could be excited. He said it was a free country. So I was excited. But more shocked. I wonder if people think I fake my attitude. But it was real as I worried to myself all day that I wouldn't be able to check my email with the server down to get the rejection Kevin was sending out. I didn't even take my phone with me. I just wonder when I will maybe see myself as legit. Stop writing myself off. Now I'm desperate for a cast list. I know Matt got Cornelius, the part he wanted, and Meg - my protege from Cross - is Minnie Fay - and I couldn't be happier for her...or proud. But there were a few more Cross people who went out that I'm pulling for. My original theater family. Selfish, I know, and I am looking forward to meeting new people. But I still have my fingers crossed. That said, I'm actually really excited about this.

And yet this evening I got that squiggly feeling. You know the one, I'm sure. It feels like not only did your rib cage shrink in on your internal organs, but there are a hundred worms that have taken up residence right in the middle. In your heart. It's so strange - it's a happy day. But then I was watching an episode of Grey's and the next thing I knew I was in tears. And I can't blame horomones, so don't suggest. Why? I'm happy. The happiest overall I've been in months - since winter of my senior year, I'd wager. The pieces of me are back together. Except for one. He's missing. And no, there is not a particular "he". I don't even know if I've met him. I just miss being in love. Even the shitty parts where you can't sleep at night because you want them to be thinking about you so bad, or where you know they don't reciprocate. Cuz through the pain, you know you're alive. I don't have that now. Not even a crush, really. So a little part of me feels empty - less alive, and less human. I'm in love with love. Who isn't, though, right? And with all that I've got going for me lately, who am I to complain? Things are on the upswing - and I'll be damned if I miss out on one more day being upset - I did enough of that in the past 12 months. With so much to be happy about, why waste time on the other things? It will all fall into place with time.

"Where?"

"Well then why can't I bring my pistol?"

2006-05-30T11:17:00.000-04:00

One of many incredible quotes from an absolutely incredible weekend. Top to bottom, from Thursday night on, I had the best time I've had at home since the middle of senior year, I'd say. And having had that, I'm really looking forward to the rest of summer now. Time to recap:

Thursday held Holy Cross's prom. I got there and got to see my babies. They all looked fantastic. I was slightly jealous, I must say. Dress-up is my favorite pasttime. So yeah, I considered punching someone and stealing their dress, but the only options were shades of pink. I wasn't in the mood. So I contented myself with playing mom and taking a million pictures. I'm gonna be such a stage mom/photo whore with my own children. Something to look forward. Afterwards there was a quick trip to Panera and Starbucks, where I was caught up on the drama and gossip within my little Bookclub. My, my - not as angelic as we may seem to many back home, hmm? I worry. There still is the issue of the applied earmuffs by some of the girls when I'm around, but we're getting better. There is surely hope. Off to Vaughn's where I watched Team America. Horribly wonderful...or wonderfully horrible. Catchy lyrics..."America -- fuck yeah"...yeah.

On to Friday. Had a small heart attack when I could not for the life of me remember what I did on Friday. I always assume the craziest things are wrong with me when I can't remember. Maybe I've been rufied, have early-onset Alzheimer's - courtesy of my late grandmother - which has taken its hold, etc. A brief panic attack afflicts me every time I can't recall what I had for breakfast, only to subside momentarily when I remember that, in fact, I didn't have breakfast, and pick up steam again as I wonder why that didn't just occur to me in the first place. My fear of degenerative diseases of the mind is beginning to weigh in fairly heavily. Secret meaning behind my addicition to Sudoku - keeps the mind sharp. Too often it's as if I can feel it decaying physically. Morbid, I know. But I've seen what Alzheimer's can do first hand. I don't want that. Ever. Take everything from me, but leave me my memories, as untainted as is possible for memories to be. Though I acknowledge the fact that memories are so easily biased - truth is not what happens but how people remember its happening. But I digress from my digression. Let me have my mind. It's the one thing that is truly mine - "I think, therefore, I am." I am. Please let me be.

Anyway - Friday. Work concluded early and yet it was the longest half-day of my life. I wanted to put my head through a desk, wall, or electronic device. After talking myself down and recuperating at home for a bit, I went on a shopping excursion with the family. I got a new straightener just like Elise's as it occured to me that if she wasn't living with me next year, I wouldn't have 24 hour access to hers. And being as she once told me that "maybe if [I] used it, [I] would be pretty," I've developed a bit of a complex. $137.94 later, I was the proud owner of a Chi straightener. It's glorious. Money well spent. As if the temptations of Favorite Store A (Ulta) weren't enough, we headed to Favorite Store B (Barnes and Noble), where, Praise God, I had a gift certificate. A new Sudoku book was purchased along with A Wedding in December and Goodnight, Nobody - which was pointed out to be very ironic, considering me new comeback of choice: "I'm dying alone." I don't care - it was a good book.

Saturday was the beginning of Pam and George's Summer Extravaganza Part One. After arriving about 2 hours later than expected, but bearing manna from heaven in the form of New York Bagels, we began our fun-filled weekend with a trip to pick up my other half. Ms. Jenna Marie was not yet decent, however, so we had a slight delay before introductions. The two of them really seemed to hit it off. As Jen went shopping, Georgie and I made our way to Riverside to get the essential Boost Slushie. It's a Burlington County thing. We determined that since Georgie has a slushie machine and I have Boost, that will be our drink of choice next year. Yumm. Thoroughly refreshed and having recovered personally from a rather serious bout of brainfreeze,

we went on a tour of my little town. Edgewater Park has three parts - typical suburbia (my part), the old part (with the huge river houses from the 1700s), and the rich part (with the huge houses from the 1990s). It was a good waste of gas and time. Then we waited for J to arrive and it was off to Billy D.'s for ghost hunting...at 4 in the afternoon. After our group grew and then shrank (following the line quoted in my title), we ended up with 6 people - Georgie, J, and I, and Billy, Jim, and Mitch. We headed for the woods and found an awesome look-out tower. Not at all scary, but pretty cool. What in retrospect was probably a dumb move, we climbed it to the top and you could see all the way to the shore. Pretty awesome. And away from wild dogs. After a little walk in the woods, we waited until dusk to look for the asylum. We found what was left of it and took some pictures. Then as it got to be night, we followed a trail a little deeper than the mile and a half or so we already were into the woods. Now, I'm not all that worried about finding a ghost or whatever, because frankly, I'm skeptical. What I am worried about are pineys and animals - both of which are located in Warton State Forest. So when Jim, who knows the Pine Barrens best after hunting in them, says "Keep going at a steady pace, and don't freak out, but there is something following us," that's when I get scared. We made it back to the cars in one piece and started the drive back to the main road. On the way out, the last car containing Billy and J started flashing its brights and honking. Naturally, George and I stopped to see what was wrong. "There's something behind us - go go!!" Billy screamed. Lo and behold, I could see headlights in my review mirror. So Georgie picked up the pace, only to have an oblivious Jim and Mitch in front of us. Oh, to have had a camera in front of the line of cars to catch Jim and Mitch's bored looks and conversation, George and my's confusion as he tried to dodge potholes and I frantically dialed Jim and Jenna's numbers, and Billy and Jen in tears as they were doing their best to get away from this car that came out of no where. A little ways into the pursuit, I looked back only to see that the lights were gone. Thinking the car had turned off the road, but not remembering a place where that could happen, I let it go until we stopped at a ranger station. Here, Billy and Jen tumbled out of the car in hysterics saying the car had disappeared, not turned off the road. Eerie, probably easily explained away by most, but undoubtedly entertaining. We rounded out the night at the diner, as all true South Jersians would.

Sunday, post-Mass, Georgie and I watched Transamerica. Good movie, a bit graphic and morally creepy at times, but still well done and amazingly acted. Then it was BBQ time! Abbreviated family, but still nice. The surprise moment of the night occured when Elise and Dino decided to come join us. We tried to get Stacey up to have a whole Quadropod reunion, but she wasn't into it. Boo. So we settled for 3/4, Dino and Jen. Got to take a look at The Complete Works. I was pretty impressed, actually. I was a little mad that my dad missed a lot of the action on the sides of the stage, being as he taped the first time he saw the show, but it was our best night. But he missed my "Oob" =(. Oh well. A couple episodes of "Child Stars: Where Are They Now?" closed out the evening.

On Georgie's last day in the Garden State, we stopped by Coldstone so he could meet my Dimple and Dave. I realized how much I miss it there. Dave said he would give me the same hours I worked at La Salle if I would switch. So tempting in some ways. Since the store was empty, I did get to jump on the stone and make up some things. ::sigh::. Then it was off to Billy D.'s for a bit to see my loves. Mrs. Drummond is amazing - she and Chris made great food. Had a relatively okay conversation with Brian. Baby steps, I suppose. Took George back to my house and sent him on his way. Sadness. I then grabbed Jen from her BBQ after saying hi - or rather "hewwo" - to her new goddaughter, Mia, and we went back to to Bill's. There, the three of us watched the wonder that is Brokeback Mountain (not because it's some huge statement, but because it's cute - I just want them to be together!).

Driving home, Jen talked about how sometimes she is surprised we were still best friends. That we made it through high school. We would sometimes go months without talking because we were so busy. But I never doubted that we would make it. It was because whenever we did get to see each other we picked up right where we left off. But it was harder for her. Our high schools were so different. She was lucky when she had one close girl friend to talk to. I, on the other hand, had nine, each of whom I could go to for different things. J and I's rough points just came at different times. Mine was more conducive to she and I spending time together, being as it was summer. But having spent so much time with her already this summer, I'm really excited. And she said it, too. She claims that she'll be around a lot because she doesn't have any friends here now. Well that's fine by me - and many of my friends, actually. She's like me but cooler, more laid back - she fits with us. The prospect of us having this summer both single and neither upset over a guy is incredibly appealing. Reconnecting and just hanging out should be amazing. Plus we can bond over our office jobs.

So in all, it was an amazing weekend. Thanks to everyone who played a part.

In other news, I got my first mosquito bite of the summer. It itches.

"Excuse me, I believe you have my stapler..."

2006-05-25T13:10:00.000-04:00

Oh, Office Space - As I've mentioned before, it honestly has become the story of my life. Not to mention my boss looks oddly similar to Bill Lumbergh. I'm there right now, taking a break from Sudoku and staring at the wall to write this. Aside from the relative boredom, things are going well. I've actually had a good week over all. You have five seconds to be shocked...

Ok that's enough. Saturday evening I got to play catch-up with some of the ladies from home and with Vaughn. Fantastic. We watched Just Friends - and you should to, if only for the first five minutes and the credits. Absolutely wonderful. Sunday held The Fray concert. They were amazing, especially considering I just started actually listening to them. I don't usually like going to see bands when I don't know the majority of the words, because (surprise, surprise) I like to sing along. They were really good though. One of my absolute favorite things at concerts is when the different bands will randomly come out and sing with each other. It's so cute when it's spontaneous. So they did that with the opening act The Damnwells, and it was awesome. I actually really liked The Damnwells, too. Yay for finding new bands.

This week has been La Salle's reunion week, it seems. Tuesday night I headed up to visit Mary Ellen in north Jersey. It was great. I got to meet a bunch of her friends and, despite the North Jersey/South Jersey rift, we really hit it off. But then again, how could you not over a night of Taboo, Leeches!, Komodo vs Cobra, and prank phone calls about devil moose? We also took in three episodes of Grey's Anatomy from Season 2 that she had on her computer. I am way too addicted to that show. Way. In addition to that trip - which was also my first major solo road trip (be proud for I only got lost once and found my way without panicking) - the hour approaches in which The Favorites will be reunited! Georgie is coming down this weekend. Madness will surely ensue. He gets to meet Jenna and most likely the majority of the rest of south Jersey. An expedition into the depths of the Pine Barrens is planned plus plenty of spontenaity. Yes, you read that correctly - I am going to be spontaneous. I can't wait. I miss my Georgie. And I miss the rest of you, too. Particularly the rest of my Quadropod who I have not heard from nearly enough this summer - Elise, where are my drunken phone calls? Stacey, where is that smiling face I need to see? Not cool. I don't like being so spread out. Story of the college student's life, I know. But now that I'm starting to see the kiddies from home more it's not as bad. Tonight is Cross's prom. A couple of the girls and I are going to Promenade to see everyone. My babies are getting so grown up. I am such a mom - I'm taking a million pictures. I'm glad I'm feeling better about home now. I think it was just apprenhension before. Now that I've started to see the girls again, I'm much more comfortable. Thank God.

Cut back to the office. I am currently playing the part of the receptionist. Pam the Receptionist. It's been done. Anyone watch The Office? Anyone? Quality. And my life.

"Somewhere between 'unsure' and 'a hundred'..."

2006-05-19T23:26:00.000-04:00

I have been ordered to update. I am offically a member of the Blogspot community.

What to say, what to say. Life has been relatively uneventful. What with school being out, events seem just as spread out as friends. The highlight of my break thus far occurred yesterday afternoon. So your college has famous speakers and prestigious alumni. Your football team is unbeatable and basketball is second to none. But at my college a cop killer is approached at the apartments I regularly go to parties in and is apprehended after a shootout down the street outside the window of the office I work in. And I get to watch.

Hell yeah, I am La Salle.

So needless to say the office came to a stand still for all of a half hour as we watched out our window as John Grady with his Jedi-like powers and mob connections mingled with police. Then it was back to filing as usual. Don't get me wrong - despite the typical monotony and simplicity of it, I love my job overall. There are enough little things that happen to make it worth the less than amazing pay. Moments like yesterday. Like picnics on the ground with food from TGIFridays. As in waffles for breakfast when the boss is out and writing a musical defacing Disney songs on company time. I get paid to know my alphabet and do Sudoku. And give the occasional tour to people from the Czech Republic. It's like living in Office Space or on The Office. Anyone who doesn't see the humor in either of those things needs to work with me for a day. You'll find it.

Otherwise - or rather in that same vein - life has been quiet. I've slowly been reconnecting with the Jersey Loves. I got to see Feesh the other afternoon on the pretense of lending a calculator. Also, Billy D and I talked into the wee hours of the morning on the meaning of life and philosophy. Seriously. He and I can just do that. It's weird, they say you find people in college to have those deep conversations with. Well, I think about it and I didn't have one of those this year. Oh yeah, I had serious talks - but they were all like 'how does this relate to me' types. Billy D. and I talk in the big picture sense. I love it. And I missed it more than I realized. Jenna is home and we picked up right where we left off. That's the best part about our friendship - it never really falters. It's like we put it on pause for a few weeks but when we come back, it's right where we left it. So beautiful. Tonight I went and saw Over The Hedge with my babies Christopher and Shawn Kyle. And those are the two I laugh hardest with here. Honestly, from previews through the credits we never stopped. "It is Persian for 'I am Persian'"..."spuuuuudies and coffee - you fat bitch!"..."curse you, weldsman of plastic"..."its a cow farm...dersgonbeacowindabackyaarrdd". Yeah. I knew I needed to start working my abs again. This was the perfect way.

But something here is still not sitting right. I still can't do big groups. So strange. But after last summer's debacle, beginning with senior week right through the semi-self-inflicted quarantine and isolation, I'm not quite sure where to start again. Like in big groups - which happen often when there are nine of you - I feel like an outsider. Like I'm missing something. And I'm sure most of it is psychological on my part, but some of it isn't. I think they still like to shelter me from some things. They think I'll judge. And for a long time I would have. I was a very judgemental person in high school - one of my many self-admitted flaws. But I'm learning. I am. And if I can let them grow up in their ways, why won't they let me grow up in mine? Give me a chance at least. Let me earn whatever praise or scorn I deserve. I don't need you to shelter me anymore. I hope that in itself doesn't sound too condescending. It probably does. It could be subconcious and unintential on my part - I radiate judging like I radiate nerdiness - I have flashing neon signs apparently that everyone but me can see. But I just want a chance to get back to where I was. And I know I'm not fully doing my part yet, but I'm nervous. So when I can finally try I hope they can, too. And if they're still the friends I think they are, they will.

And then I find out I'm a heartbreaker all over again. Just when the guilt starts to abate just a little, when I start to move on, a chance encounter brings it all back. I broke his heart, they tell me. Mine was a little bruised compared to what I did to him, they say. And even though I knew what I did, it still came as a shock. Why? I don't know exactly. All along I knew that situation was bad. I knew that I wasn't being fair and that I screwed up. Anyone who's heard the story has to admit that it was a pretty shitty thing to do - fuck the honesty aspect - I still put him through hell. And I knew that. And I felt guilty on my own about it. And I apologized and tried to mend things and never forgave myself and tried to make things work again and make it up to him. But he wouldn't let me. Because although he said it was fine and said we could get past it, we couldn't. Because he never admitted that he was hurt. And he didn't yell and he didn't talk to me and let us sort things out. It was just buried. The proverbial elephant in the room. Eventually it ended and I had to deal with my actions. Never would I say that I wasn't at fault. But he did. So how was I to know? The fact is, I just should have. I should have known him well enough, recognized the signs on my own to see. But I didn't. So when my honesty is finally returned by others, it floors me again. What was I expecting? Maybe for them to sugar-coat it a little. It's easier when, even though you know you were wrong, someone says it's okay, even if all you'll do is deny it eventually anyway. It still is comforting. On some major level, though, I appreciate the straightforwardness more. It stings, but it is, in fact what I asked for. Dish it and take it, if you will. And in the long run there are fewer loose ends with honesty. I really do enjoy it. But right now it sucks. Because I'm feeling guilty all over again. And I try and rationalize it - we were just kids, he's moved on, I'm getting what I deserve as it is in a different shoddy relationship followed by what's shaping up to be a good long period of being single (not complaining, I need it) - but that rationalizing in itself makes me feel guilty. These are people and feelings we're talking about, not just numbers and words, it's not something to be rationalized. Maybe I had just started to desensitize myself to it - make it less human and less real by telling and retelling the story. And here it is right in front of me again. I compartmentalize. School was a different compartment, hence safe. Not for long of course, but it was totally isolated. And that shouldn't change too much anyway, I don't have joint memories of us there. But home is different. There's history here. And I was never really a fan of history. So less than three weeks into summer and I realize that it could be a long one. This is the trouble with having the same group of friends as your ex. I don't want to subject them to the awkwardness and I don't want to make them choose, so I do it myself, and I lose in the process...again. I'm forming quite the record here...I look like the Eagles of the mid-90s.

Alright, enough enough. I did not want this journal to become one giant cry for pity, which it seems to have done anyway, againt my intent. I promise one day I'm going to have one big happy entry. I'm ruining my happy-go-lucky image on here. I swear, just reading this one might think I was an unhappy person.

Who me? Couldn't be.

"Cross Your Fingers and Pray for Winter..."

2006-05-07T00:08:00.000-04:00

So this is going to be ridiculously long and possibly just as depressing. I know I haven't updated in a while and some of you may feel inclined to read, but pace yourselves. You have been warned.

Alright, I think I'm going to work backward here. I'm home now. So strange. "They say home is where the heart is/ but what a shame/cuz everyone's heart doesn't beat the same" - Greenday. My heart is currently split up between five states. Gross. I'm in a very weird place right now. Don't get me wrong, I lovew that school is done. I, just like everyone else, needed a break from that oppressive college workload. I need sun, time to read pointless books, the beach, and sleep. See? I'm not a robot. Or if I am, I need to recharge my batteries. And on the bright side I will be working there all summer. Admissions. Come visit. So I'm not going far. But still, I want a little island, and I'm going to fly all the people I like there and we will live in a college-like environment -- classes optional, homework never. It would be beautiful. I know we've got next year, but it won't be the same. Yeah, it still is going to be fun, but as I discussed with Kate last night, I love my freshman standing. It's my excuse for innocence. Sophomores are expected to know better in all aspects. They are jaded in all departments by a year of college. So now I have that year, too. But I kind of like innocence - my image holds. But I can see it getting old with people next year. Don't get me wrong - odds are it won't change, but while a fresh-faced freshman is appealing, a sophomore with the same attributes is sort of...sad.

Maybe I'm wrong. I didn't feel this way going from first to second year of high school. I also didn't feel so threatened by the incoming class. This is a major issue for me this year. I have a horrible fear of being replaced in each thing I'm involved in by that new freshman. It's going to happen. And I know I'm a jealous person by nature, but this is irrationally severe - border-line debilitating. I am at war with myself, one side saying 'get over yourself and be happy that there will be new people for you to learn from next year and keep you on your toes' and the other being the typical Aries spotlight-hog you all have come to know. I'm worried that people felt like this last year. I'm more worried they didn't. What is my issue then? Why the constant need for attention? Maybe its because I don't realize what I did to get any of it, and now the thought of not having it would be a change. And we all know how I deal with change. Each area is primed for their next golden child. It's just that, alright - I go into work and I do my job - I give tours, and then I go on stage and I play a part. I don't know what makes me doing either of those things stand out to people anymore than anyone else. I certainly notice other people more, and I just want to scream "But look at them! They're running circles around me...why can't you see it?" So maybe it's the fact that my, I don't know, "achievements" were subconcious to me and now I don't know what to do to keep them going. So what happens when a person who has him or herself together walks in? But more importantly, why does it even matter? Maybe it's a self-confidence thing. Gross.

On the topic of self-confidence, though, I don't think I'm too worse for wear. At least I put on a good show of it most of the time, I think. I mean, I have lapses (I need to start working out again) just like anyone else, but overall, I'd say I'm fine. I'm relatively sure about who I am. I'm happy. I won't be alone. I know I joke about it a lot ("I'm going to die alone," "I'm going to start buying cats so I won't die alone," etc), but I know that's not true. One day, some guy is going to come along and say, "This one's not so bad...a little quirky, but hey she makes good mac and cheese, so I guess it evens out," and that will be that. And until then, I'm fine with just me. So I guess that stands for something. I mean, I think about it, and this time alone is good for me. I haven't been single (read: single and functional) in...5 years...so I need this. Not so I can "find myself" or anything like that, because I'm pretty sure I'm right here. It's like, yeah, I was in a long-term relationship for arguably the most developmental years of my life, but I still think that I turned out okay. No matter what I say now, Brian was good for me then. I was able to grow up as Pam, not PamandBri. So I started to figure myself out, but just had the benefit of a loving (?) relationship in addition. No, scratch the question mark. On my end it was true - I never lied when I said "I love you." I can account for now. It's like, as you grow up and learn and mature, your capacity to love changes, too - grows and shifts. Now, in a lasting relationship, the love you have for a specific person grows with that capacity. In most cases, though, the love stays the same, while the capacity grows - sort of like pouring a cup of water into a bigger glass. So it's not as fulfilling, but that doesn't mean it was never there. Or that it won't always be there. That's how I've looked at it for awhile - it gives me hope...and makes me not a liar. But I digress (I love that phrase). So here sits a person who is taking a little time off. Who knows that someone will find her eventually. And if that doesn't speak to self confidence, I don't know what does.

And yet, something has been on my mind for a while now. Since the formal, I'd say. Don't get me wrong, I had a blast - particularly memorable and hysterical was the bus ride home (ask me about it). I recieved the Rookie of the Year award. It's for the freshman who has made a sizable contribution to The Masque in the first year. I should mention that Kate was also given the award this year, a rare occurance. Personally, I don't see then issue - I would have given it to her hands down. I was honestly surprised to have the honor of recieving it. Because what do I do that several other people don't do better than me already? I act - so I've done it in four shows here - ok, but each is easily justified. Cockaigne - Chris had worked with me all summer and knew I was reliable. Plus, I never really got past adolescence so the whole playing a thirteen year old thing wasn't much of a stretch. Also, if you look in the program it wasn't even me - it was Pam McDonald (kidding, kidding). Forum - I'm bendy. And i had a couple years of dance under my belt - there you go. Red Herring - Tom now knew I was reliable. And that I could play a small, bell-like instrument. And Shakespeare - not all that many people tried out, first off. Then there's the fact that I am easily thrown and carried and can say things like "pre-Neitzchian" and "jejune" coherently at an elevated rate of speech. Right then. I'm not the one staying up til all hours of the night to make something that actors will probably abuse and break several times before opening anyway. I don't stand backstage and deal with people like myself screaming for costume changes and props like I'm the end all, be all of the group. And I certainly don't watch other people take a bow and get applause and be recognized for what they did while I sit quietly backstage waiting for the curtain to close so I can reset for the next night. I get my recognition every time I set foot on that stage. She does not. As a matter of fact - so many techies do not. So I don't see where the issue arose. Please don't mistake me here - I'm ridiculously honored - I just have trouble wrapping my mind around it.

And then came Kiss the Wall. Here's where things got tough. Staying until the end was never a question for me. I enjoyed the whole night. I wish I had been better prepared for it. There's so much more I could have said. I think about it now. I should have written letters or something, while still riding the emotional wave of the night. Hell, I should have written this entry then, too. Then maybe it would be beautiful, like Melissa's. But the fact is I couldn't. I had thoughts, but I couldn't put them into words yet. I'm still having trouble. So I wait until I can rationalize more. Until I can convince myself of the logical progression of things. So imagine my concern when things don't get any easier. So now I struggle with my thoughts a week later. The seniors wont be back next year: fact. The effects of that occurence though, I can't quite figure out yet. As I think about it, it blows my mind what they managed to do. Nik, Allie, Gwen, Elisa...I forget sometimes that they are only 21, 22 years old. It's so young. I can't see myself having the effect that they had in such a short amount of time. I feel so far behind. I don't worry for them like I worry for me. I know they will be just fine. I wonder do they know that, too? Or are we all blind to our own personal potential? I'd be happy to tell them over and over again that I know they're about to make changes in places bigger than The Masque. To constantly remind them of the fact that I'm slightly starstruck conversing with them, being with them - just listening to them talk. Even when I can't quite believe the things the say. At Kiss the Wall, Gwen gave me the People Crush award. It means I'm the person people, for some-not-quite-known reason, are drawn to. And if she deosn't know why, then I sure as hell don't. She said that she respected what I did on stage. I don't get that. This from the person who made everything come to a stand-still when she sang. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is what is missing for me. I can't do that. I do not have that kind of stage presence. And yet I'm dying for it. Since last Saturday, it's all I can think about. How I want a shot at something like that. I have yet to feel like I have been pushed to stretch for a role. I don't know why. But until that happens, I don't know how I can have that kind of effect. To me, that is what makes a great actor. I want to make an audience forget where they are for three and a half minutes. I want to captivate people who have seen the same scene over and over again. I want to make people feel. Really feel. And I just don't see that actually happening. And maybe that's why I'm so reluctant for this next class to come in and for next year to start. It's like I already have enough going against me in this battle with myself to be the best I can be that the thought of added pressure from others is terrifying. I feel like I will break. It's like I get before every show: a week a head of time I am always consumed with the irrational fear that I am going to break my ankle. I can feel it. And that's what I feel like now, just that instead of a twinge in my ankle, it's in my heart. And still I want more. No one quite got what I said at the end of Kiss the Wall, so I kept saying in to everyone, in hopes that eventually someone would have been in my place and could tell me what would come next: "I don't want to let you down." All the seniors seem to have such high hopes for me. They seem to think I can go so far. So I feel like I'm carrying this big secret - that I've hit a wall. And so I felt the need to apologize and to warn them. I don't want their faith to be misplaced. And I don't want to let them down. So there is dome type of pressure there. Whether it's from me, or unintentionally from them, from Chris, from anyone who has ever paid me a compliment, I don't know. I seem to set my goals so high that when I, by some stroke of luck, attain them quickly, I'm stuck at the top and am terrified of the fall.

So there you have it...so much for self-confidence - I'm scared.

"Let's Get These Teen Hearts Beating Faster..."

2006-04-27T16:19:00.000-04:00

Oh, I can see this becoming an addiction much too quickly...

Today is shaping up beautifully. I survived the freshman triple. I want a t-shirt saying something to that effect. No eight o'clock class allowed me to get sleep - it was kind of nice and reaffirmed my beliefs that I should never take a class that early ever again - I've done my time with one every day this semester. In my defense, I only missed 4, and two were in connection with my grandma passing away. All in all a pretty good record. We'll see if the test I get back tomorrow confirms that. I'm not thinking about that now though - it's out of my hands. Much time spent at the Masque table today - I wish I'd had more time for that this year; I do love those kids (and I should be shot for using a semi-colon in a journal entry). Volpe's class was cut significantly short - no complaints there. Soon its off for kissing and petting on the Quad. Yes, it's something I enjoy. What can I say? I'm a sucker for little animals. Breakfast for dinner tonight, followed by Improv and the "We Hate Boys" Night. It reminds me of my MSA ladies from freshman year...it's been too long.

And tomorrow - formal.

I'm absolutely thrilled. And that's without knowing the intricacies. To quote Dane Cook "I've just gotta dance." Looking back, it has been a long, long month. I'm not typically one for self pity (somewhat contrary to popular belief, I think), but I'd think the objective person would put me in the category of having had a pretty crappy April. So tomorrow, it's over. I made it through a year of college. Most importantly, I stayed fairly true to myself the entire time - nothing got done that I didn't want to see happen. If the person I was a year ago looked at me now, I think they'd be proud of the relative consistancy. Likewise, I think if the person I am a year from now looks back, they, too, will be satisfied with the progress made. I don't know how many people can say that. I'm single and happy - over two boys, two relationships - but content with what I learned from each. No regrets, which is a big deal for me - I'm usually one to dwell. So I deserve to dance. For hours. No questions, no reservations...

...just dance.

"At least it's not filled with cancer..."

2006-04-27T01:14:00.000-04:00

The wise words of Elise...not in reference to this journal, but it sounded good.

So I've crossed over. Under peer pressure from assorted individuals and the fact that my time writing for La Salle's website is over, I'm leaving xanga and writing here instead. I figure I'll keep my other journal for those time-consuming quizes and survey results that come in handy when procrastinating. That said, expect nothing too profound or entertaining - just me rambling about my days. If that doesn't work for you...screw you (not really though - that's mean)

I absolutely can not believe freshman year is almost over. It's kind of hard to put into words how I feel right now about it. I feel like the year absolutely flew by, like everyone else. At the same time, though, it seems like I've been here forever. Not that I can't remember high school, but it's like that time in my life is so far removed - recall that it's only been a year. That's kind of frightening when you think about it - one year out and they're already "the good ol' days"? Life moves fast - thank you Ferris Bueller. This has been bothering me for awhile now. I turned 19 a month ago and do you know what stuck out to me? The songs that sang about 18 year olds would never be about me again (see Maroon 5 "She Will Be Loved" or Brand New "Soco Amaretto Lim") For some reason this always really upsets me..."Sixteen Candles" "Dancing Queen" ('young and sweet, only 17')...you don't ever get those back. Such a trivial thing to be bothered by, I know - but it's so final. And changing the words doesn't cut it - I tried. For now, all I can think of with 19 is Nelly "Ride Wit Me"...'she can be 18, 18 with an attitude or 19 kinda snotty actin' real rude'...yeah, that's attractive...

Such an uplifiting first post...hopefully Elise is still right.