"Cross Your Fingers and Pray for Winter..."

So this is going to be ridiculously long and possibly just as depressing. I know I haven't updated in a while and some of you may feel inclined to read, but pace yourselves. You have been warned.

Alright, I think I'm going to work backward here. I'm home now. So strange. "They say home is where the heart is/ but what a shame/cuz everyone's heart doesn't beat the same" - Greenday. My heart is currently split up between five states. Gross. I'm in a very weird place right now. Don't get me wrong, I lovew that school is done. I, just like everyone else, needed a break from that oppressive college workload. I need sun, time to read pointless books, the beach, and sleep. See? I'm not a robot. Or if I am, I need to recharge my batteries. And on the bright side I will be working there all summer. Admissions. Come visit. So I'm not going far. But still, I want a little island, and I'm going to fly all the people I like there and we will live in a college-like environment -- classes optional, homework never. It would be beautiful. I know we've got next year, but it won't be the same. Yeah, it still is going to be fun, but as I discussed with Kate last night, I love my freshman standing. It's my excuse for innocence. Sophomores are expected to know better in all aspects. They are jaded in all departments by a year of college. So now I have that year, too. But I kind of like innocence - my image holds. But I can see it getting old with people next year. Don't get me wrong - odds are it won't change, but while a fresh-faced freshman is appealing, a sophomore with the same attributes is sort of...sad.

Maybe I'm wrong. I didn't feel this way going from first to second year of high school. I also didn't feel so threatened by the incoming class. This is a major issue for me this year. I have a horrible fear of being replaced in each thing I'm involved in by that new freshman. It's going to happen. And I know I'm a jealous person by nature, but this is irrationally severe - border-line debilitating. I am at war with myself, one side saying 'get over yourself and be happy that there will be new people for you to learn from next year and keep you on your toes' and the other being the typical Aries spotlight-hog you all have come to know. I'm worried that people felt like this last year. I'm more worried they didn't. What is my issue then? Why the constant need for attention? Maybe its because I don't realize what I did to get any of it, and now the thought of not having it would be a change. And we all know how I deal with change. Each area is primed for their next golden child. It's just that, alright - I go into work and I do my job - I give tours, and then I go on stage and I play a part. I don't know what makes me doing either of those things stand out to people anymore than anyone else. I certainly notice other people more, and I just want to scream "But look at them! They're running circles around me...why can't you see it?" So maybe it's the fact that my, I don't know, "achievements" were subconcious to me and now I don't know what to do to keep them going. So what happens when a person who has him or herself together walks in? But more importantly, why does it even matter? Maybe it's a self-confidence thing. Gross.

On the topic of self-confidence, though, I don't think I'm too worse for wear. At least I put on a good show of it most of the time, I think. I mean, I have lapses (I need to start working out again) just like anyone else, but overall, I'd say I'm fine. I'm relatively sure about who I am. I'm happy. I won't be alone. I know I joke about it a lot ("I'm going to die alone," "I'm going to start buying cats so I won't die alone," etc), but I know that's not true. One day, some guy is going to come along and say, "This one's not so bad...a little quirky, but hey she makes good mac and cheese, so I guess it evens out," and that will be that. And until then, I'm fine with just me. So I guess that stands for something. I mean, I think about it, and this time alone is good for me. I haven't been single (read: single and functional) in...5 years...so I need this. Not so I can "find myself" or anything like that, because I'm pretty sure I'm right here. It's like, yeah, I was in a long-term relationship for arguably the most developmental years of my life, but I still think that I turned out okay. No matter what I say now, Brian was good for me then. I was able to grow up as Pam, not PamandBri. So I started to figure myself out, but just had the benefit of a loving (?) relationship in addition. No, scratch the question mark. On my end it was true - I never lied when I said "I love you." I can account for now. It's like, as you grow up and learn and mature, your capacity to love changes, too - grows and shifts. Now, in a lasting relationship, the love you have for a specific person grows with that capacity. In most cases, though, the love stays the same, while the capacity grows - sort of like pouring a cup of water into a bigger glass. So it's not as fulfilling, but that doesn't mean it was never there. Or that it won't always be there. That's how I've looked at it for awhile - it gives me hope...and makes me not a liar. But I digress (I love that phrase). So here sits a person who is taking a little time off. Who knows that someone will find her eventually. And if that doesn't speak to self confidence, I don't know what does.

And yet, something has been on my mind for a while now. Since the formal, I'd say. Don't get me wrong, I had a blast - particularly memorable and hysterical was the bus ride home (ask me about it). I recieved the Rookie of the Year award. It's for the freshman who has made a sizable contribution to The Masque in the first year. I should mention that Kate was also given the award this year, a rare occurance. Personally, I don't see then issue - I would have given it to her hands down. I was honestly surprised to have the honor of recieving it. Because what do I do that several other people don't do better than me already? I act - so I've done it in four shows here - ok, but each is easily justified. Cockaigne - Chris had worked with me all summer and knew I was reliable. Plus, I never really got past adolescence so the whole playing a thirteen year old thing wasn't much of a stretch. Also, if you look in the program it wasn't even me - it was Pam McDonald (kidding, kidding). Forum - I'm bendy. And i had a couple years of dance under my belt - there you go. Red Herring - Tom now knew I was reliable. And that I could play a small, bell-like instrument. And Shakespeare - not all that many people tried out, first off. Then there's the fact that I am easily thrown and carried and can say things like "pre-Neitzchian" and "jejune" coherently at an elevated rate of speech. Right then. I'm not the one staying up til all hours of the night to make something that actors will probably abuse and break several times before opening anyway. I don't stand backstage and deal with people like myself screaming for costume changes and props like I'm the end all, be all of the group. And I certainly don't watch other people take a bow and get applause and be recognized for what they did while I sit quietly backstage waiting for the curtain to close so I can reset for the next night. I get my recognition every time I set foot on that stage. She does not. As a matter of fact - so many techies do not. So I don't see where the issue arose. Please don't mistake me here - I'm ridiculously honored - I just have trouble wrapping my mind around it.

And then came Kiss the Wall. Here's where things got tough. Staying until the end was never a question for me. I enjoyed the whole night. I wish I had been better prepared for it. There's so much more I could have said. I think about it now. I should have written letters or something, while still riding the emotional wave of the night. Hell, I should have written this entry then, too. Then maybe it would be beautiful, like Melissa's. But the fact is I couldn't. I had thoughts, but I couldn't put them into words yet. I'm still having trouble. So I wait until I can rationalize more. Until I can convince myself of the logical progression of things. So imagine my concern when things don't get any easier. So now I struggle with my thoughts a week later. The seniors wont be back next year: fact. The effects of that occurence though, I can't quite figure out yet. As I think about it, it blows my mind what they managed to do. Nik, Allie, Gwen, Elisa...I forget sometimes that they are only 21, 22 years old. It's so young. I can't see myself having the effect that they had in such a short amount of time. I feel so far behind. I don't worry for them like I worry for me. I know they will be just fine. I wonder do they know that, too? Or are we all blind to our own personal potential? I'd be happy to tell them over and over again that I know they're about to make changes in places bigger than The Masque. To constantly remind them of the fact that I'm slightly starstruck conversing with them, being with them - just listening to them talk. Even when I can't quite believe the things the say. At Kiss the Wall, Gwen gave me the People Crush award. It means I'm the person people, for some-not-quite-known reason, are drawn to. And if she deosn't know why, then I sure as hell don't. She said that she respected what I did on stage. I don't get that. This from the person who made everything come to a stand-still when she sang. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is what is missing for me. I can't do that. I do not have that kind of stage presence. And yet I'm dying for it. Since last Saturday, it's all I can think about. How I want a shot at something like that. I have yet to feel like I have been pushed to stretch for a role. I don't know why. But until that happens, I don't know how I can have that kind of effect. To me, that is what makes a great actor. I want to make an audience forget where they are for three and a half minutes. I want to captivate people who have seen the same scene over and over again. I want to make people feel. Really feel. And I just don't see that actually happening. And maybe that's why I'm so reluctant for this next class to come in and for next year to start. It's like I already have enough going against me in this battle with myself to be the best I can be that the thought of added pressure from others is terrifying. I feel like I will break. It's like I get before every show: a week a head of time I am always consumed with the irrational fear that I am going to break my ankle. I can feel it. And that's what I feel like now, just that instead of a twinge in my ankle, it's in my heart. And still I want more. No one quite got what I said at the end of Kiss the Wall, so I kept saying in to everyone, in hopes that eventually someone would have been in my place and could tell me what would come next: "I don't want to let you down." All the seniors seem to have such high hopes for me. They seem to think I can go so far. So I feel like I'm carrying this big secret - that I've hit a wall. And so I felt the need to apologize and to warn them. I don't want their faith to be misplaced. And I don't want to let them down. So there is dome type of pressure there. Whether it's from me, or unintentionally from them, from Chris, from anyone who has ever paid me a compliment, I don't know. I seem to set my goals so high that when I, by some stroke of luck, attain them quickly, I'm stuck at the top and am terrified of the fall.

So there you have it...so much for self-confidence - I'm scared.