"I will dance so freely holding on to no one..."

My heart feels squiggly inside...I don't know why.

So I've started to fall back in love with New Jersey. Scratch that - I've started to fall back in love with summer. Being around the girls again is doing me good. I missed them more than I would admit. Saw two of them last night near midnight - not low. Took it well for me...and they're beginning to get that. I like that we're reaching this point. Here's to middle ground. Work has been fantastic. Much to Schu's lament, we're bonding - she, Annie, and I are getting along really well, as are Mark, Rachel, and Diana. Since the bosses have been away and work came to a screeching halt - first due to lack of paperwork and today because of a downed server - we spent two days eating on the university dollar and watching Grey's Anatomy in the lobby. And as if I didn't get enough there, I've just finished watching the episodes from season two I didn't see - behold the power of the internet. I am way too emotionally attached to this show.

And in perhaps the biggest and most surprising news of the summer thus far, I'm in another show. I decided to audition, on a whim and a suggestion from Matt, my costar in Footloose ::shudder::. It was for the Intern Company's production of The Matchmaker - the straight show Hello, Dolly was based on. This company sounded really interesting...like the Masque but even more - you learn about all aspects of theater. Actors don't just get away with being actors - they're learning to design sets, finding out what goes into a performance before and during a show. It sounds like exactly what I'm looking for at this point. Of course I didn't know that going into it. I decided to audition the morning of, thinking what the hell? So I read through the suggested scenes once before getting asked to go to a baseball game with Jen, got back an hour before, cleaned up a little, typed up a quick resume, re-read, and headed out. I didn't go in thinking I stood any chance - I knew I was unprepared. Just how unprepared became clear very quickly. These kids - and I do mean kids, as the Intern Company is only open to 15-22 year olds - were amazing. I felt so out of my league, to be honest. They had head shots and credentials and what do I have? Last minute preparations. I wasn't expecting a thing though - at least I would get some experience auditioning for community theater. So I watched these 30 or so girls audition for six parts and I was floored. Absolutely fantastic, and I really do mean all but a couple. I didn't like how I read for my first character - Minnie Fay, but I didn't really like the scene all that much either. As I was waiting for my name to be called to do an on-the-spot with a scene, I started to get attached to a character which, as anyone who knows me will say, I hate doing - it only leads to trouble. Ermengarde. It's silly - there was just one line that I knew I could do from that scene different than the others were doing it...what's even more is it was just one word. "Where?". I knew I could make it work. So I was thrilled when I got assigned that scene. The thing was, I didn't feel like I'd done anything else with the part. Just that word. And it had the effect I'd thought it would. Just a little giggle and murmur from the other people. But an audition doesn't turn on one word...right? Wrong, apparently. And apparently I underestimated the audition. I got a call today from the director asking if I would accept the part of Ermengarde. I asked him if I could be excited. He said it was a free country. So I was excited. But more shocked. I wonder if people think I fake my attitude. But it was real as I worried to myself all day that I wouldn't be able to check my email with the server down to get the rejection Kevin was sending out. I didn't even take my phone with me. I just wonder when I will maybe see myself as legit. Stop writing myself off. Now I'm desperate for a cast list. I know Matt got Cornelius, the part he wanted, and Meg - my protege from Cross - is Minnie Fay - and I couldn't be happier for her...or proud. But there were a few more Cross people who went out that I'm pulling for. My original theater family. Selfish, I know, and I am looking forward to meeting new people. But I still have my fingers crossed. That said, I'm actually really excited about this.

And yet this evening I got that squiggly feeling. You know the one, I'm sure. It feels like not only did your rib cage shrink in on your internal organs, but there are a hundred worms that have taken up residence right in the middle. In your heart. It's so strange - it's a happy day. But then I was watching an episode of Grey's and the next thing I knew I was in tears. And I can't blame horomones, so don't suggest. Why? I'm happy. The happiest overall I've been in months - since winter of my senior year, I'd wager. The pieces of me are back together. Except for one. He's missing. And no, there is not a particular "he". I don't even know if I've met him. I just miss being in love. Even the shitty parts where you can't sleep at night because you want them to be thinking about you so bad, or where you know they don't reciprocate. Cuz through the pain, you know you're alive. I don't have that now. Not even a crush, really. So a little part of me feels empty - less alive, and less human. I'm in love with love. Who isn't, though, right? And with all that I've got going for me lately, who am I to complain? Things are on the upswing - and I'll be damned if I miss out on one more day being upset - I did enough of that in the past 12 months. With so much to be happy about, why waste time on the other things? It will all fall into place with time.

"Where?"