Now you learn the hard way...

One day I'll know better than to listen to music that is anything less than up-tempo. One day i'll know better than to put on love songs. I have to wonder though - Michael Buble is working his way through my speakers and into my heart right now, but is any of it real? Here is a man singing a love song and he's so convincing. But is it all a market ploy or does it really happen? Do guys ever really fall in love like he makes it sound or do they just do what it takes to sell a record? These are the things they should warn people about if they aren't real. Just so we know better from the start.

If I write it down I have to do it, right? Or at least try. Because it's closer to being proof then a half-concious verbal complaint from a work weary-mind. People will see it and come closer to believing it. And then it's not just mine anymore, it's a collective expectation. And we all know how I feel about letting people down. So i'll write it down and come that much closer to following through.

In 2007 I will be taking a hiatus from boys - complaining about them, pursuing them, pretending to be pursued by them, consciously flirting with them. It's too much of my life. It's all I talk about, too much of what I think about and worry about. I annoy myself with it, so I can only imagine how others feel. So it's done. I know it won't be that easy - it's going to a concious effort for me. That is so sad. I fear I'll become much quieter, at which point people start to worry, and question, and tell you what you're doing wrong. But this doesn't feel wrong - it just feels difficult. So in about 23 days expect me quieter, hopefully more serene.maybe I'll be a good listener again. i've never been very good at resolutions - I lack willpower when it comes to so many things - but this one's important for everyone. Maybe people will want to be around me more if I quit being so self-absorbed. I guess we'll see.

In these next three weeks, I hope to get everything squared away. It's the last time I'm stepping up though. part of me knew I would have to - I just let hope get the better of me sometime. The world keeps beating the optimism out of me. It's too soon to say everyone was right. I still give too much credit, I think. I have no reason to, but it's like instinct. I am nice for the wrong reasons. I don't know what they are, but they don't feel virtuous. I talk myself into a philosophy class too often. Why do I always feel guilty and nervous? I'm a Catholic - that must be it. But there I go making excuses for myself again...

...yes, it's time to downsize.