Student Leader #537

Apparently AD-ing the dean of students show is worth receiving a La Salle tracking bracelet. I find it amusing and will continue to do so until I am shocked for unwittingly doing something that contradicts the Affirmation.

I have done absolutely nothing in the past two days. Yesterday I didn't get out of my pajamas. The only reason I did so today was to take a shower and throw on sweats and my oversized AU long-sleeved T-shirt. The one that makes me look about six years old. I took a long nap on my couch as South Park droned in the backkground. It lead to strange half-dreams about fake tooth-fairies and profanity. I woke up at 9:30 PM feeling like I should be studying something.

I'm trying to detox. Rid the system of everything. For New Years, for my academic sanity, for everything. It makes me feel empty. I hate feeling empty. Somehow I'd rather be suffering than numb. Numb doesn't feel alive. I am forever worried I don't do enough living and as little pieces of my mind and heart grow dull it only seems to confirm said worries. But in typical contradictory fashion, I feel like it's what needs to happen. In not thinking and not feeling I'm feeling stronger. I think.

I got an A in physics. Not even an A minus. I should be happy about this. I always thought I took my grades for granted and that if I would just have to work for them they would mean something. I worked so hard for this and I feel disgusted by it. Seeing it made me literally scowl at my computer. I still do not know what I am talking about. I did not earn this grade. The rest of my poor class, in struggling more than I did, earned it for me. This does not make me feel better. I'm done trying to compete with people. I'd rather understand. It's like I was finally ready to get what I deserved - a bad grade. I was ready to see what happens when you don't understand things. And it was taken from me. How am I supposed to learn to fail if things keep interfering with my doing so? I guess I've been trying to prepare myself for such failures ever since the no, thank you came from Yale. Two years ago this past Sunday, actually. It was before a performance of A Christmas Carol. I didn't cry much. Things just got very quiet. And then I went back to school and played my part. I was unprepared for how to deal with something like that. I never went without getting something I wanted like that. Parts in shows, positions on committees, grades. I get what I try for. For eighteen years, without fail. I was spoiled. And then a huge slap in the face. One that I still am trying to come to terms with. And that's not healthy. This is why I can't condone teams not having cuts when kids are younger and finding a place for everyone. People will be so ill-equiped for dealing with the failure that comes about eventually in life - they need to be conditioned early. Learn that sometimes your best isn't enough, but that you will get through it. I haven't learned that myself yet. I'm trying. And ironically failing. Does that count?

My ipod broke on the way home from school. I am forced to listen to Pandora.com which introduces me to tons of good new music, but I really just want to listen to Transatlanticism by Deathcab on repeat until I fall asleep.