A little mood music...

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And the worst part is there's no one else to blame
Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me, I am small and needy
Warm me up and breathe me
Ouch, I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found
Yeah, I think that I might break
Lost myself again and I feel unsafe
Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me, I am small and needy
Warm me up and breathe me
Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me, I am small and needy
Warm me up and breathe me

Chills every time. Every single time. From the first time Chris played it for me over a year ago for The Land of (ambrosia cake) Cockaigne. We gave everyone such a hard time about the show. Fought it tooth and nail. And yet at the end, when this song would come on at the end and the six of us would look up to the cats for just a second, I didn't care how tough the show was. I never felt more in character than I did in those few seconds. Things fell together there. Ryan, Gwen, Ange, Melissa...it felt right. It played on an episode of a show when I wasn't expecting it (Life As We Know It, maybe?) and tears were in my eyes by the time the first measure was done. We were in New York and it came on in an American Eagle and took my breath away. Help, I have done it again. And now I can't seem to take it off repeat. I should stop. It's hitting close to home and there's that ridiculous knot in my chest again. I'm teetering again and it's too soon. People start to notice from the outside in and I hate it. I have been here many times before. I'm crying for attention when I don't want to. I'm writing this and it's going to be read. I could set it to draft but won't. But I don't want to hear about it. I don't want questions and looks. I could write in my book. It's been staring me down lately but I'd rather not go there. We aren't there yet. Hurt myself again today. But I'm drawn to it. So strange. I'm looking for a pattern and can't find it. It's illogical and I can't stand it. There is no reason. Well not no reason, but nothing I deem significant enough. And the worst part is there's no one else to blame. I'm starting to consider being quiet. But I'm too easily convinced otherwise. Too easily convinced by everyone else of everything. A follower. I don't trust myself anymore. Ouch, I have lost myself again. When did that happen? Keep it together, keep it together. Got a call about Kairos. I could use it again. Though it does something to me. I wasn't meant to lead that. I just need to go and spend four days there curled in a ball with about 4 people there. Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found. People barely connected to one another but that I connect so strongly with the retreat. I hadn't particularly missed any of them lately - until now. I've been subconciously yearning for it recently. All the notes. When I should be paying attention all I can do is write. Try to keep connected. Yeah, I think that I might break. Hold on, hold on. I can't decide if getting away is what I need or not. The prospect of Thanksgiving is alternately enticing and painful. Like so much lately. Lost myself again and I feel unsafe. I suddenly wish my Grandma was here. Before she got sick. I feel like she would have known what to do. This is irrational and I hate it. This was not where this was supposed to go. Stream of conciousness takes me places I don't want to go. Be my friend. Hold me, wrap me up. Unfold me, I am small and needy. Warm me up and breathe me.