Suffocating

This heat is oppressive. Why my mother refuses to turn on the air is beyond me. The sad thing is we're only one day into this little heat wave. I should go swimming but I'm oh so lazy. Maybe I will when I'm done this anyway.

My social streak continues. Maybe having Liz living with me forces it, but whatever the reason it's nice to see people...I think. Miniature golf last night was fun despite what others said. At the very least it was a little different. Apparently I'm six feet tall...but not tall enough to ride the go-carts at top speed. I lost at Cranium for the first time in at least year. This is devastating. I'm waiting on a Smile schedule so I can map out the rest of the week.

I feel like everyone is turning 21 lately. Or about to. Against my better judgement I'm starting to look forward to nine and a half months from now. I say against my better judgement because for as long as I can remember I have been just fine without drinking or going out to bars. I feel people become too dependent on alcohol - using it as an excuse or not being able to loosen up without it. I've never needed more than a bottle of water and have maintained the ability to take responsibility for every one of my actions. I don't want to have the option of an out - I do not want to have that as a crutch. And don't try and say that it won't become one. I know myself well enough to know that I don't have the most willpower in a lot of situations. I feel like I'll be setting myself up for a fall. And we all know that I don't fall gracefully. So then why am I starting to look forward to it? Maybe it's because I'm tired of being a social pariah. I laugh off the judgements that come my way with every new group of people and successfully dodge the 'just one drinks' and each party but it can be absolutely exhausting sticking to a decision, no matter what your reasons are and how soundly you've made up your mind. I'm just so tired of the looks and the thoughts that are running through peoples mind. Even the occasional admiration stings. You wish you could be like me? Then why aren't you? Because then maybe you could let me know how to get over the insecurities that come with the territory. And I know I have Kelly and Kate in the same boat as me but they have always seemed so much more resolute for some reason to me. There's like some inner peace that got dealt that I missed out on. Or at least they're more composed than I am. I've become defensively judgmental towards all the people I feel are judging me. Vicious, vicious cycle.

Anything I write anymore ends up in a place I didn't intend for it to go. Where do these little rants come from? I'm going to end up starting trouble if I'm not careful. I really just need to fix that which is at the root of this...unrest. I think I know what part of it is. At least fixing that would tell me if it was everything or if there's more to it. I hope there's more to it. If not, I'll feel far too vulnerable and it could ruin my outlook on a lot of things, future and past. I can't bring myself to believe it could be so simple to get myself into a situation yet so seemingly impossible to get myself out of it. It should be much harder to find yourself in such a place, at least. If that's not the case, though, it jades everything in such away that all else seems trivial. That is not an outlook I want to have from now on - it might ruin me. Admission is the first step to recovery, but part of me feels that by admitting to something I'm not ready to hear will cause even more trouble than I started with. Don't try and make sense of that as I can't myself.

My horoscope today was uplifting for the first time in weeks. People were supposed to think I was pretty. Of course I haven't seen anyone all day. I can't believe I'm wasting my one day of cosmic good-fortune.