Change of pace...

Headed over to word press so I can creep the lives of people who creep my life...

check it out at memoryhideshere.wordpress.com

We'll see if a change of scenery leads to more updates.

Forces me out of bed...

My mind won't turn off tonight.

February 15th. Tomorrow. Birthday. Miss him. Miss her. April 8th. Horrible weekend. Break up was inevitable. Didn't need you. Just someone that day. Missed her. Who else? That's right. Forgot she was gone. I literally felt gravity upon remembering. Sunrise, sunset. Sunrise, sunset. Last time I felt this way was the day before. September 3rd. It was louder outside then. Frustrated tears then. For the first time in five months. It's been over six since. None since. Nunsense. Need to pick a musical. Need to make a show. Need to make a dance. Need to write a lab. Need to plan a party. Need to make people happy. Need to see him and him. Need to see her and her. Six months. Four years. For years, days stick. September 3rd. April 8th. February 15.

I will see faces in my dreams tonight and in the morning I will be torn about whether to leave them or stay.

'Turn around now - switch...'

Reading the back and forth over the 15 things entries and those violently opposed inspired me to try something different this year. So here is a list of 15 things that, given the chance along with the guarentee of no Butterfly Effect, I would have done differently owing to 20/20 hindsight:

1) I would not have written the first 15 things entry. Apparently it has resulted in major strife. Sorry.
2)I would not have bothered with a resolution. I should have known better. I think I did know better. I set myself up to fail.
3) I would have let go sooner.
4) I would have opened my eyes wider.
5) I would have put things in persepective sooner.
6) I would have taken people off of pedestals. Or, better yet, not put them there to begin with.
7) I would not have taken four sciences in one semester.
8) I would not have stressed out so much over physics.
9) I would have gone into the city more in the spring time.
10) I would have spent more time with my townhouse in the first semester.
11) I would have made it a point to find my Aunt Ellie after 'Smile' and given her a hug.
12) I would be less inclined to wear my heart on my sleeve.
13) I would have done a little something extra for my part in Urinetown. There was still something left to give, even if I'm not quite sure what that was.
14) I would have gone the extra mile.
15) I would have said exactly what I was thinking the one time I didn't and should have.

However - no regrets. The events and missteps of yesterday make me who I am today. And that person isn't so bad. A year ago I was afraid of 2007. Parts of it sucked. A lot. But a lot of that was my own fault - lesson learned. But the vast majority of it was pretty awesome. And we're on another upswing here. 2008 has the potential to be highly interesting...in a good way.

Don't let me down, '08.

'And I can't go home - cuz you're my home...'

mmm SoCo - you allow me to survive traffic jams in states that should be too small to have major highways in them.

So the Maryland trip has sadly come to a close. It was a whirlwind four days, that's for sure, but I hand a fantastic time. To recap:

~I met the mom. Patrick says it went well. I think it could have. I just get nervous. We talked a lot about admissions-type things. She was very interested in school stats. I happen to know school stats. Patrick was dying for a change of topic. I definitely don't think she hates me. This is good.
~I like the brother. Chip is fun and funny. I feel like had he gone to La Salle we would have become friends anyway. He asked my opinion on the Christmas gift he got for his lady friend. I take this as a good sign.
~I got to see Annapolis. It was so quaint. I wish New Jersey's state capital was as cute. And the Governor's Mansion is located right in the middle of the town. I think our governor would get shot if he tried that. Good fudge place in the middle of town reminded me of the shore - and made me miss the shore. Shiver and drank tea after I'm pretty shore we trespassed on to a dock. It was worth it.
~I pumped my own gas for the first time ever. It sucked. God bless the catering to laziness in New Jersey.
~Tolls suck. Delaware sucks more. Seriously - people cross into that state and suddenly become incapable of driving.
~Cracked out food shopping with Mehow and Mel after many hours of driving is the greatest experience ever.
~The Cerkez's are awesome for letting nine of us crash in their house. And for cooking kickass food. And for having a really comfortable bed for me and my wife to sleep in.
~National Treasure is a pretty decent movie. I want to see the second one now.
~Videoes of Kyle singing and dancing to OKGo after driving through the same toll three times are hysterical.
~Washington DC is the stupidest city ever when it comes to street names. Whose brilliant idea was it to have multiple 7th streets and D streets in the same city. The capital should have stayed in Philly - we've got our shit together when it comes to a map.
~The spy museum was pretty kickass. We scored a four out of five on our mission. Then Emily ruined lives. It was excellent.
~Amanda was a pretty good spy. I was not.
~The museum really makes you think about stuff. Maybe there is a lot of stuff going on that we don't know. I'm trying to go back to being blissfully ignorant.
~Seriously - the Cerkez's know how to cook.
~My friends and I are old ladies and gentlemen who take naps at 7 PM.
~Game Show Network really is amazing when you watch it with friends.
and finally
~Jamie Lynn Spears is pregnant and I find it hysterical. This makes me a horrible person and I might be okay with that.

That's about it. I miss my friends again already - can't we just stay at school over break and do like day trips? Yeah, I like that...

Let's do the time warp again...

A month and a half. That's all the time that has passed since my last post. When I think of that it makes me feel ridiculous for everything that i've done in that time. It makes me feel like I'm moving too fast. But only when I think of that.

The fall semester is over. It is unbelievable how much I managed to fit into it. I think what I'm most excited about are the friendships I've strengthened over the past couple months. I didn't see them coming at all but I couldn't be more thankful for them. With some others cooling off, I don't know what I would have done had they not come along. Thank you...you know who you each are.

Cryptic-ness is to be saved, though, for December 31st and my second annual 15 Things list. I'm feeling more straightforward tonight than I have in a good long while.

London gives me back my best friend tonight. I'm thrilled. We probably would have gone the semester without seeing each other even if she had been in the country, but it's amazing how the physical distance seemed so...physical. We have so much to catch up on. But that will have to wait until I return from Maryland. The trip has the potential to be fantastic. Patrick is taking me into Annapolis, as I've never been. The trade-off is I have to meet the family. I'm irrationally nervous. After a day there it's off to the boondocks and Liz's house where we'll spend a night before going to the spy museum in DC for Amanda's going away celebration. I'm way excited. Don't judge me.

Something weighs heavy on my heart, though. I feel like a secret is being kept by some of the people close to me. I see it in their eyes. It's making me nervous and I'm inclined to pray more. I hope I'm being dramatic.

So much for not being cryptic...but that one isn't my fault.

'So kiss me hard - cuz this will be the last time that I let you...'

It's a sad song kind of day.

I have a special playlist for just such an occassion. I also have a sweet song playlist. I never listen to that one.

'You ask me "How?" - it's like "How does your heart beat?" or "Why do you breathe?"'

I'm not stressed. I haven't been particularly stressed all year. No anxious heart beats since late August. I'm unsettled though. I need a constant.

'I am no prince, I am no saint, and if that's what you believe you need you're wrong; you don't need much - you need someone to fall back on.'

It's funny how you can say things to other people that you would never be able to realize on your own. 'Sometimes "great" just isn't enough. Wouldn't it be great if that's all there was to it? There are plenty of awesome guys that I would never consider dating. And plenty of assholes I would. Him being a great guy doesn't mean anything if to you there's still something missing.' I've tried everything. Everything isn't always enough either.

'And it's no one's fault; there's no black and white - only you and me on this endless night. And as the hours run away with another life, oh darling, can't you see it's now or never.'

I'm getting impatient. On multiple planes.

'Oh say you'll miss me one last time - I'll be strong. But whatever you do, please don't get me rescued...because I'm feeling like I might need to be near you.'

I never had the whole 'I'm so alone in the world thing' down. I was more disappointed in that though - being one of the masses. A million people listen to these songs everyday and each relates to them. I don't feel alone. I just feel bad for people.

'Cuz we have spoken everything, everything short of 'I love you' - right where you are from right where I am - somewhere between unsure and a hundred.'

I'm getting impatient.

I'm a loser, baby, so why don't you kill me...

Why today, you ask? I'm writing this wearing one of my costumes from Urinetown that came in the mail today. I was a little excited to get them and they actually fit, so I'm kind of excited. Plus in the one dress all the jokes about my chest might actually read. Sweet.

Speaking of Urinetown, this entry may just have a theme for once. Assorted musings concerning the musical.

A) We aren't ready. And we are not collectively good enough to be messing around as much as we do. At least I know I'm not good enough to not need every second of rehearsal time they can give me. I'm turning into the actor-bitch I was during Footloose. I just want things to be as good as they can be. And that means staying focused. I shouldn't be saying this to a journal, I should be saying it in a constructive way to my fellow castmates instead of snapping. Soon.

B) Sometimes I secretly have more fun at tech than rehearsal. I'm not quite sure why. Maybe it's the constant productivity that is evident aside from the goofing around. The visible progress that I don't see with the show itself. Whatever the reason, "Girls Building Shit" (and it's many sequels)are rapidly becoming the parts of my week about which I get most excited. (Sad that I took the time to figure out how to not end that sentence with a preposition.)

C) I need to learn to say "no." I can't walk away. Ever. I'm going to get myself rundown and screw things up but here I was again today instead of taking the afternoon to sleep I set up for the haunted house for six hours. It's just too much, logically - but I don't want to miss a thing. I'm like a three year old that won't go to bed for fear of being left out. Grow up.

In other news, I flirted with someone brand new the other day. Not even a La Salle person. And he flirted back. It was blissful. No, there was no information exchange, but it was like there didn't need to be. I just needed to know that when I can find some time, I will be able to get back in the game. Or whatever.

I thought about writing in this for a long time but now I have no idea where else to go. I've used up all my words for today. When I find more, I'll find you.