Maybe it's best you leave me alone...

What to do, what to do.

I deal in facts. Always. I make the next logical move after careful thought and analysis. I avoid involving emotion until I deem the situation safe through careful use of logic.

I have a fact.

Rock, paper, scissors. (Cheney...Colbert, anyone?). People suggest scissors. Is this really what's best? Really? I've done it before. But it doesn't feel right this time.

It's not about what I want. What's best for me. Who knows what that is - because I sure don't. What I want is now second to what others want. Because what I want isn't an option. So I gladly take a backseat. I get tired of making decisions and first-moves. Don't I deserve to have an effort made for me? Maybe not.

People mean a lot to me. I don't believe them when they say the same to me. In my mind I have become replaceable. Unremarkable. I am content to simply be allowed to care, unreciprocated, for people. If they'll let me. But I'm thinking that people might be bothered even by that. Don't be cared for, don't care.

I'm considering a social experiment. Did you know people literally wither away if they don't have some type of physical contact - be it only a hug or a handshake? This is fascinating to me. I'm starting to think I would like to be completely self contained. I would like to beat the theory.

I had a dream last night. There was a transfer student in it I had never met. It was raining and he originally went to a school with a giant glass pyramid like the one at the Louvre. You couldn't go in it before his freshman year, though. This probably has no deeper meaning other than the fact that I should get out of the office more.

This was not written to be commented on. I'm just trying to sort things out.

The Sound of Settling...

'And when I see you, I really see you upside down
But my brain knows better, it picks you up and turns you around...'

I have found myself in a Deathcab mood for nearly four months now. So many lyrics I can apply to myself in so many different situations or moods. So many I wish someone had written for me...

'Love of mine
Someday you will die
But I'll be close behind
I'll follow you into the dark...
If Heaven and Hell decide that they both are satisfied
Illuminate the 'No's' on their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you when your soul embarks
Then I will follow you into the dark'

I would like to be someone's muse, I think. At least serve as an inspiration. Or maybe it would be better to have on of my own. Something that at least yielded productivity. Instead of just infatuation I would at least get something cool out of it. A song or a painting or a dance or a play.

'You may feel alone when you’re falling asleep,
And every time tears roll down your cheeks.
But I know your heart belongs to someone you’ve yet to meet
And someday you will be loved
You’ll be loved, you’ll be loved
Like you never have known
And the memories of me will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved'

Stupid itunes putting the above with the following...

'This is the moment that you know,
That you told her that you loved her, but you don't.
You touch her skin and then you think,
That she is beautiful, but she don't mean a thing to me...'

I sat in my car with my head on the steering wheel. Stupid music and stupid my need to relate it to everything else.

'There are different names for the same thing...'

Suffocating

This heat is oppressive. Why my mother refuses to turn on the air is beyond me. The sad thing is we're only one day into this little heat wave. I should go swimming but I'm oh so lazy. Maybe I will when I'm done this anyway.

My social streak continues. Maybe having Liz living with me forces it, but whatever the reason it's nice to see people...I think. Miniature golf last night was fun despite what others said. At the very least it was a little different. Apparently I'm six feet tall...but not tall enough to ride the go-carts at top speed. I lost at Cranium for the first time in at least year. This is devastating. I'm waiting on a Smile schedule so I can map out the rest of the week.

I feel like everyone is turning 21 lately. Or about to. Against my better judgement I'm starting to look forward to nine and a half months from now. I say against my better judgement because for as long as I can remember I have been just fine without drinking or going out to bars. I feel people become too dependent on alcohol - using it as an excuse or not being able to loosen up without it. I've never needed more than a bottle of water and have maintained the ability to take responsibility for every one of my actions. I don't want to have the option of an out - I do not want to have that as a crutch. And don't try and say that it won't become one. I know myself well enough to know that I don't have the most willpower in a lot of situations. I feel like I'll be setting myself up for a fall. And we all know that I don't fall gracefully. So then why am I starting to look forward to it? Maybe it's because I'm tired of being a social pariah. I laugh off the judgements that come my way with every new group of people and successfully dodge the 'just one drinks' and each party but it can be absolutely exhausting sticking to a decision, no matter what your reasons are and how soundly you've made up your mind. I'm just so tired of the looks and the thoughts that are running through peoples mind. Even the occasional admiration stings. You wish you could be like me? Then why aren't you? Because then maybe you could let me know how to get over the insecurities that come with the territory. And I know I have Kelly and Kate in the same boat as me but they have always seemed so much more resolute for some reason to me. There's like some inner peace that got dealt that I missed out on. Or at least they're more composed than I am. I've become defensively judgmental towards all the people I feel are judging me. Vicious, vicious cycle.

Anything I write anymore ends up in a place I didn't intend for it to go. Where do these little rants come from? I'm going to end up starting trouble if I'm not careful. I really just need to fix that which is at the root of this...unrest. I think I know what part of it is. At least fixing that would tell me if it was everything or if there's more to it. I hope there's more to it. If not, I'll feel far too vulnerable and it could ruin my outlook on a lot of things, future and past. I can't bring myself to believe it could be so simple to get myself into a situation yet so seemingly impossible to get myself out of it. It should be much harder to find yourself in such a place, at least. If that's not the case, though, it jades everything in such away that all else seems trivial. That is not an outlook I want to have from now on - it might ruin me. Admission is the first step to recovery, but part of me feels that by admitting to something I'm not ready to hear will cause even more trouble than I started with. Don't try and make sense of that as I can't myself.

My horoscope today was uplifting for the first time in weeks. People were supposed to think I was pretty. Of course I haven't seen anyone all day. I can't believe I'm wasting my one day of cosmic good-fortune.

I really feel that one of these would make everything alright...

Seriously. I think that one of these could fix anything. I had a lovely weekend and then I came home this afternoon and it's like the thunderstorm that was absolutley awesome outside work today had gotten into my head where it wasn't nearly so entertaining.

The bike race on Sunday was spectacular. I'm a nerd and I don't care. There was all this activity on Lemon Hill and the city just seemed so...healthy. We walked all over the place and despite the fact that my hips wanted to abandon the rest of my body, it was worth it. Check facebook in the near future for pictures. Yesterday was just another piece in creating the Best Life Ever.

Today though I've just been so cranky upon returning home from work. I think it's because there was so little talking at the office today. I was allowed to sit and think for far too many hours. Plan speeches and hypothetical responses. I came home and the new door we got shut on my foot and made it bleed. We didn't even have cool bandaids for it. Just plain sheer ones. I went to rehearsal where I found my part to be bland with no opportunity for real character development. Entirely forgettable and lacking in any substance. And with no singing. In a musical. I know, I know - it's a part and I should be grateful I have anything. I feel worthless in a performing sense, though. I think Greg might have said that in the coming season at La Salle I'd see myself with parts. I don't agree though. The parts in Urinetown aren't really in my range (or lack there of) and Picasso has a small cast, or so I hear. I'm starting to think I should call it a day with acting, believe it or not. She doesn't have a flame, she'd prefer to burn out like a torch - Something Corporate has a song or lyric for any mood at all I've found. This is why I love them. I need to find something that gets me excited again. Theater used to, but I'm not finding that to be the case as much anymore. I used to not be able to sit still all day before a performance and I did nothing but smile backstage before walking out. It effortlessly took all my focus, if that makes any sense. It does to me. Nothing does that anymore. Isn't this a void you're supposed to fill with volunteering? Yeah, that didn't work either. I loved Appalachia and all but I'm pretty sure it was for the wrong reasons and at any rate was far too transient. That was a word my horror-scope of the day used. All of them have been so bad for the past month or so - which isn't nearly as upsettiing as how much stock I've been putting in them in that same time period. To be rational again. I guess to just be seventeen again. I was an oddly rational yet blissfully optimistic seventeen year old. It was a good time. Glory days. Now at 20 I'm cynical and disenchanted. And these stupid entrys all end up sounding the same. As each other, as every other cynical disenchanted 20 year old's, since the beginning of time. I am painfully ordinary and just becoming painfully aware of it.

But if I had a giant hampster ball...now that would be something extraordinary.