The Final Countdown...

List 15 things that you want to say to people but never will. Don't say who they are. Never discuss it again.

1) I'm starting to worry I was wrong about you. I have this flawless image of you in my head and I don't want to believe that you are punching holes in it with every in-circles conversation we have. I want to keep you perfect.

2) You are starting to grate on my nerves and i can't place exactly why. I am not as predictable as you would like to think - nothing personal.

3) I miss you. I never thought you would completely put me in your past - I had every reason to think you'd be there in some aspect. That was selfish off me. I admit it...now please come home.

4) I practically idol-worship you. Well, not literally, but I just wish I could be like you. You would think I was crazy for saying that - but I would take your flaws over my best qualities any day of the week.

5) I wish you would trust me. Some has to help you at some point, and I promise you I would never let you down. There are few things you could do that I wouldn't forgive you for. I will always be there to catch you if you fall, even if you refuse to acknowledge it or me. I don't care, because I do.

6) If you asked me today, I would marry you tomorrow.

7) You treat me too well. I don't deserve it or you. People do not appreciate you nearly enough - if they had any idea how much you cared about them, they would be floored. I wish they could see that - I wish you would let them.

8) I think you are beautiful. It makes me jealous, but in a good way. I'm glad you are happy. You have no idea.

9) I'm scared about what I will do without you. I don't think you realize that every smile in your direction is sincere. Your apology was unnecessary and made me think even more highly of you. I miss you and you haven't gone anywhere.

10) You're not so bad. We even have some stuff in common - who knew? That doesn't mean you can hug me though - please don't try yet.

11) 'What ifs' weigh heavy on the minds of friends. You are in a good place and I hope you stay there.

12) Thank you for dealing with me. I'm a pain in the ass and what's worse is I know it. I hope I can change this and start to make it up to you. Your patience is awe-inspiring. I hope I can learn from it.

13) That person you're stuck on doesn't deserve you. I wish you would expand your horizons. Let someone love you. I'm sorry I don't always listen when you talk.

14) People can see right through you. Stop being so fake and throwing what you have in everyone's faces. They've caught on finally - have you?

15) You have the most beautiful smile I have ever seen - it's as confident as you are. I'm lucky to still have you. You know me as well as anyone - and if I forget that, you are quick to remind me. Keep cutting me down to size and reminding me that I don't know as much as I think I do.

Goodbye, 2006

(I'm scared of you, 2007)

Forgive me if I slip away...

Josh Groban. I wish my words were half as beautiful as his. I wish my voice was worthy of speaking the same language...or a language from the same common mother-tongue. It's not. I forget how much I appreciate him. And then this CD comes out. I was blown away. He made use of his falsetto on this one - to great success. So much control over his voice. I feel compelled to convince you to give it a listen. I figure I'll stick to the English songs for now - I'll translate the others eventually. But for now...

Don't Give Up (You Are Loved)
I worried after the opening peice - a powerful Italian number - this would lose something. I was so wrong. He almost made me believe it; I'd be loved by Josh Groban any day. Perhaps a song to look to when things get rough this year.

February Song
I can not wait until February so this can be my song quote in my AIM profile. So sad. But already, this is my new theme song - the origin of my title today. Rings true to me in so many ways. A safe song. Tied for favorite with

So She Dances
Positively haunting at the beginning and then completely uplifting in the middle. Mark my words, I will choreograph a routine to this. Ideally with a guy who will be willing to dance, and with other people. But I will dance alone to it if I have to ('I will dance so freely - holding on to no one' - Let Me fall, also by Joshy) I can see it so clearly in my head - I wish I had a reason to put this together and show it off. I can barely sit still and listen to it.

In Her Eyes
Of course it's partially the title, but this one does remind me of Jekyll and Hyde. It's a very good compliment to In His Eyes. I have to wonder if it influenced him, particularly the piano part.

Now or Never
I liked this one right away - very ...driving. It seems forceful in away - I guess it makes sense according to the title - I'm having trouble finding words for this one. Some of the lyrics I love...others I give my 'really?' look to occasionally. But still, beautiful.

Lullaby
I will sing this to my children one day. Or play it for them nightly. It would lose something if I did it - the harmonies. It's starts out a cappela. And then piano comes into accompany. It paints a picture of a father tucking in his little child perfectly - you can see him brushing back a curl of hair and turning out the light. I'm going to see this scene for real one day. Look at that hope.

Weeping
I guess if I had to have a least favorite one, this would be it. It has a sort of African flair to it - it's like a story. Still, if this is my least favorite, it's clear that I'm in love with this CD.

Machine
When I read the title of this I thought immediately of what the background music should be like - it should sound almost metallic, definitely mechanical - as the name suggests. Damned if it didn't - which made me feel like I knew what I was talking about for once. Distinctly different from any of his other songs. More synthetic. And jazzy. There is a part that sounds exactly like Fields of Gold by Sting, which makes me happy as that song was my childhood. Other parts remind me of Michael Buble meets Michael Tolcher. Which makes me smile. Horns make me think of Matchbox 20. All my favorites rolled into one song with a pretty good result.

Awake
The title track. My goodbye 2006 song. Perfect. Piano, words I can relate to, and that voice...that voice. I'm such a sucker for a distinct voice.
And I know that only time will tell us how
To carry on without each other

So keep me awake to memorize you
Give me more time to feel this way
We can't stay like this forever
But I can have you next to me today

Yeah.

My mind is wandering again. Making lists and boundaries. Cans and Can nots. I feel myself compelled to do strange things sometimes. Like now.

My first boyfriend is dead. His name is - was - Shawn. Drugs. Kindly stop jumping to conclusions. We were two when he was my boyfriend, when it was nothing but innocence. He was a cousin of a cousin on the other side. We danced at our aunt and uncle's wedding. Video records show he spent a good portion of the night avoiding me. Some things never change. It was one of those things family members joke about forever. He was 20 days younger than me. He died on his birthday this past year. We hadn't been in touch for years. I would see him briefly at family parties - where we'd smile sheepishly at each other blushing at the memory of the relationship that had essentially been forced on us by those around us. Where does one go from having been together and broken it off before either of us could really speak in full sentences? We took 'different paths'. ('And it's no one's fault/ there's no black and white/ And as the hours run away/ with another life/ darling, can't you see it's now or never?' sings Joshy) But I would never think of him anything but fondly. But why now? For Christmas, the aunt and cousins we shared gave me a simple gift. I openned the picture frame upside down, nervous at what it might show. Expecting an embarrasing face with the girls and I, I laughed nervously as I turned it over. And then my breath caught. I knew of so many pictures - tricycles in the kitchen on top of a red dress with white apron perfectly complimenting a white shirt with red bow tie half hidden by a pooh-bear birthday cake. I'd never seen this one before. It's in my pool. Something has our attention in the deep end as we watch on the steps. My stomach is hanging out (I repeat, some things never change). He is precious. The whole scene is. So candid. How do you go from one to the other? We were both there. So why am I here now without him? Not to say we would be together in a romantic sense at all - I had broken up with him over the Price Is Right at the sitter's house...He wasn't paying enough attention to me. I recall he was devestated. But no one had any idea. And I looked at the picture on Christmas as I look at it now - torn between smiling at the memory and wanting to scream 'do something different and change what's coming'. The Butterfly Effect. Such a strange thing to think of. It's just a picture.

Where has that old friend gone
Lost in a February song
Tell him it won't be long
Till he opens his eyes
Opens his eyes

Where is that simple day
Before colours broke into shades
And how did I ever fade into this life
Into this life

And I never want to let you down
Forgive me if I slip away
And all that I've got is lost and found
I promise you, I
I'll come back to you one day

Someday when it's me...

MEREDITH: "I can't, I can't remember our last kiss. All I could think about was 'I'm going to die today' and I can't remember our last kiss. Which is pathetic but the last time we were together and happy... I want to be able remember that. And I can't, Derek. I can't remember."
DEREK: "I'm glad you didn't die today."
[pause]
DEREK:"It was a Thursday morning, you were wearing that ratty little Dartmouth t-shirt you look so good in. The one with the hole at the back of the neck. You'd just washed you hair and smelled like some kind of... flower. I was running late for surgery, you said you were going to see me later, and you lean to me, put your hand on my chest and you kissed me. Soft. It was quick. Kind of like a habit. You know, like we'd do it everyday for the rest of our lives. Then you went back reading the newspaper and I went to work. That was the last time we kissed."

Strikingly similar to the internal conversation I had with myself a couple of days ago, minus the whole almost dying thing, time, circumstances, and dress. That may not seem to leave much, but it does. Enough for me to have thought immediately of this quote when I tried to remember the situation in my own words. I think I'm lucky to remember my last kiss, even though I didn't know at the time what it was. I will not mention which of my relationships or non-relationships it belonged to at this point - just one that's been weighing in lately. I can even give an exact date, and recall the circumstances leading up to it - one of the many benefits of my need to record the general things I do in my planner. I can look back at a date and in many situations remember more than just the event happening, but the details. Those details are very clear to me. Five more days and I will put them out of my mind. I hope that since they're recorded as usual, I'll be able to think of them again when this is over and in as much detail.

It's easy thinking this could work from my cloistered position inside my house. I find myself breathing easy concerning it until about 1 o'clock each night. Then it comes time for sleep and I get anxious again. This is a new situation for me. I am not going to be comfortable. And in five days time I'm done discussing it, even obscurely. Another new thing for me. 2007: the year of the new.

Look, it's kicking in already...I don't even want to write anymore currently. Voila.

Student Leader #537

Apparently AD-ing the dean of students show is worth receiving a La Salle tracking bracelet. I find it amusing and will continue to do so until I am shocked for unwittingly doing something that contradicts the Affirmation.

I have done absolutely nothing in the past two days. Yesterday I didn't get out of my pajamas. The only reason I did so today was to take a shower and throw on sweats and my oversized AU long-sleeved T-shirt. The one that makes me look about six years old. I took a long nap on my couch as South Park droned in the backkground. It lead to strange half-dreams about fake tooth-fairies and profanity. I woke up at 9:30 PM feeling like I should be studying something.

I'm trying to detox. Rid the system of everything. For New Years, for my academic sanity, for everything. It makes me feel empty. I hate feeling empty. Somehow I'd rather be suffering than numb. Numb doesn't feel alive. I am forever worried I don't do enough living and as little pieces of my mind and heart grow dull it only seems to confirm said worries. But in typical contradictory fashion, I feel like it's what needs to happen. In not thinking and not feeling I'm feeling stronger. I think.

I got an A in physics. Not even an A minus. I should be happy about this. I always thought I took my grades for granted and that if I would just have to work for them they would mean something. I worked so hard for this and I feel disgusted by it. Seeing it made me literally scowl at my computer. I still do not know what I am talking about. I did not earn this grade. The rest of my poor class, in struggling more than I did, earned it for me. This does not make me feel better. I'm done trying to compete with people. I'd rather understand. It's like I was finally ready to get what I deserved - a bad grade. I was ready to see what happens when you don't understand things. And it was taken from me. How am I supposed to learn to fail if things keep interfering with my doing so? I guess I've been trying to prepare myself for such failures ever since the no, thank you came from Yale. Two years ago this past Sunday, actually. It was before a performance of A Christmas Carol. I didn't cry much. Things just got very quiet. And then I went back to school and played my part. I was unprepared for how to deal with something like that. I never went without getting something I wanted like that. Parts in shows, positions on committees, grades. I get what I try for. For eighteen years, without fail. I was spoiled. And then a huge slap in the face. One that I still am trying to come to terms with. And that's not healthy. This is why I can't condone teams not having cuts when kids are younger and finding a place for everyone. People will be so ill-equiped for dealing with the failure that comes about eventually in life - they need to be conditioned early. Learn that sometimes your best isn't enough, but that you will get through it. I haven't learned that myself yet. I'm trying. And ironically failing. Does that count?

My ipod broke on the way home from school. I am forced to listen to Pandora.com which introduces me to tons of good new music, but I really just want to listen to Transatlanticism by Deathcab on repeat until I fall asleep.

Now you learn the hard way...

One day I'll know better than to listen to music that is anything less than up-tempo. One day i'll know better than to put on love songs. I have to wonder though - Michael Buble is working his way through my speakers and into my heart right now, but is any of it real? Here is a man singing a love song and he's so convincing. But is it all a market ploy or does it really happen? Do guys ever really fall in love like he makes it sound or do they just do what it takes to sell a record? These are the things they should warn people about if they aren't real. Just so we know better from the start.

If I write it down I have to do it, right? Or at least try. Because it's closer to being proof then a half-concious verbal complaint from a work weary-mind. People will see it and come closer to believing it. And then it's not just mine anymore, it's a collective expectation. And we all know how I feel about letting people down. So i'll write it down and come that much closer to following through.

In 2007 I will be taking a hiatus from boys - complaining about them, pursuing them, pretending to be pursued by them, consciously flirting with them. It's too much of my life. It's all I talk about, too much of what I think about and worry about. I annoy myself with it, so I can only imagine how others feel. So it's done. I know it won't be that easy - it's going to a concious effort for me. That is so sad. I fear I'll become much quieter, at which point people start to worry, and question, and tell you what you're doing wrong. But this doesn't feel wrong - it just feels difficult. So in about 23 days expect me quieter, hopefully more serene.maybe I'll be a good listener again. i've never been very good at resolutions - I lack willpower when it comes to so many things - but this one's important for everyone. Maybe people will want to be around me more if I quit being so self-absorbed. I guess we'll see.

In these next three weeks, I hope to get everything squared away. It's the last time I'm stepping up though. part of me knew I would have to - I just let hope get the better of me sometime. The world keeps beating the optimism out of me. It's too soon to say everyone was right. I still give too much credit, I think. I have no reason to, but it's like instinct. I am nice for the wrong reasons. I don't know what they are, but they don't feel virtuous. I talk myself into a philosophy class too often. Why do I always feel guilty and nervous? I'm a Catholic - that must be it. But there I go making excuses for myself again...

...yes, it's time to downsize.